Once upon a time there was a great kingdom called Merkania where everyone knew their place and prosperity was the standard. Workers toiled happily in the fields while their gentle supervisors took care of the mentally strenuous bookkeeping. Wives baked pies and sewed clothing for the menfolk while children performed their chores without a hint of protest. Meals were plentiful, and everyone bowed their heads to the One True God.
But dark times loomed on the horizon. Foul Northmen with hatred in their hearts sought to disrupt the joyous kingdom. By the thousands they stormed the peaceful Southern kingdom, burning and looting everything in their path. Workers were torn from the fields they so loved and forced to live under the yoke of Northern oppression; subsiding on handouts until they became too dependent to care for themselves.
Nearly 200 years into these dark times were born Hansel and Gretel. Fair of skin, blond of hair, and blue of eyes, Hansel and Gretel were the very embodiment of human beauty. Strange then that their parents were a gay-married Negro lesbian couple. Hansel and Gretel had two mommies. Mommy Top and Mommy Bottom were dope fiends, but unable to have children, they lured Negro waifs off the street to claim as their own. For it is well known that many Negros soon forget they have children and let theirs wander off like wild dogs. But the Two Mommies had a plan. They took in the urchins and claimed them as their own, gaining in the process ever-larger Welfare checks which they spent on the drugs. The Two Mommies had a total of 32 children, all black as tar save for the fair Hansel and Gretel.
Most of the Two Mommies children had left home to join the Crips or become street ho’s, but that didn’t stop the Two Mommies from collecting their Welfare checks. Only Hansel and Gretel remained.
One afternoon the Two Mommies lie in bed, recovering from a dope fueled gay orgy.
“Yo bitch!” said Mommy Top “Let me axe you dis. Why we gots dem cracka-ass punks fo anyway? Alls dey eber do fo us be go out an’ gets our gov’ment Welfare checks an’ score da dope whens we too strung out to goes an’ does it ourselves. I been thinkin’ we auts to dump dem punk-ass bitches off wit da gov’ment. What’chew think bout dat?”
“I is sick’a dem too,” replied Mommy Bottom “But hows we goin’ git our big ole gov’ment Welfare checks if’n we gits ridd’a da honkey mo-fo’s?”
“I gots me a plan.” grinned Mommy Top after taking a huff of the marijuana from a paint can. “We tells dem crackas dey cain’t talk to da po-lice. Den we go on clamin’ ’em on da gov’ment Welfare.”
And so the next morning the Two Mommies loaded Hansel and Gretel into the back seat of the pimped out Cadillac with gold hubcaps and purple shag carpet on the dash that they had bought with Welfare money, and started driving toward the edge of the Hood. Hansel, suspecting something afoot, rolled down the window a crack.
“Do not fear, fair and virtuous sister.” he said to Gretel “For I shall devise a means to find our way home should our parents forget us along the way.”
With that Hansel dipped his hand into his pocket and removed a pile of condom wrappers.
“These, dear sister, shall mark our way. Each time our mothers have sent me to fetch their Welfare checks the social workers shove these toward me and demand I take them. Yet ne’er have I found use for them until this very day. E’en though they are bought with tax dollars, the social workers toss them about like confetti. Woe is the hard working taxpayer, but on this day such frivolous excess might yet prove to our advantage.”
Hansel tossed a condom wrapper out the window, but was dismayed to see the wind carry it away.
“Oh how e’en the winds conspire against us!” Hansel lamented.
“What’chew doin’, cracka? Git yo dumbass head back in dis windah heah!” Mommy Bottom scolded.
“I was merely looking at that dog we passed, Mommy Dearest.” Hansel replied.
Then Hansel remembered the dope he had been sent to score for his parents last week. Upon returning home he found them unconscious from strenuous lesbian sodomy and dope huffing. He had forgotten all about the 5 dozen rocks of weed he had bought with the Welfare check. Plucking a rock from his coat, he dropped it out the window.
“What’chew doin’ now, honkey?” snarled Mommy Bottom.
“I was only admiring the white-breasted pigeon evacuating it’s bowels upon the head of that homeless man, Mommy Dearest.”
“Dumb ass cracka, lookin’ at da bird poo. Ain’t got no lick’a sense. Dumb ass cracka.”
Hansel continued to leave a trail of the dope rocks as the Caddy rolled through the Hood. Finally the car came to a stop.
“Git outta heah, crackas! See dat dere big ole buildin’ up on da hill? Dat dere be da gov’ment Welfare office. you’se goin’ lib dere now. An’ don’chew go tellin’ da PoPo who yo mamma is. Da Man in blue work fo’ da Jew. You go talkin’ to da PoPo, dey gonna circumcise ya, an’ you sho don’ wan’ dat! Now git outta heah an’ close da doe. Youse lettin’ out all da lezzie stank!”
Gretel began to cry as the car roared away and left them in darkness.
“Have courage, sweet sister.” Hansel comforted her. “We shall rest here for the night, then make our way through the red tape and reach the structure atop the hill come morning.” He draped his coat around her shoulders and curled up to sleep.
At dawn the pair began the hike up the hill. The red tape was thick and sticky, but they made steady progress. Then a mouth-watering smell reached their nostrils. A delicious aroma wafted down from the building above them. The siblings quickened their pace.
The smell did not come from within the house, but from the house itself. The walls were made of cured Virginia ham, the shingles Applewood smoked bacon. Hansel and Gretel had never seen such an abundance of food before. Their only nutrition came from licking the grease and crumbs from KFC buckets and McDonald’s wrappers. Ravenous, they broke off a chunk of fried pork rind windowpane and slapped pieces of it into their mouths.
Then a soft voice cried from the parlor –
“Nibble, nibble, gnaw. Who is nibbling at my enormous house of governmental overspending?”
Hansel and Gretel were unfamiliar with plain English spoken by an adult, and did not know how to answer. Therefore they continued to eat. Hansel, who liked the taste of the roof, tore down a great piece of it, and Gretel pushed out the whole of one round window-pane of thinly sliced sandwich ham, sat down, and ate it.
Suddenly the door opened, and a woman as old as the hills came creeping out. Hansel and Gretel were so terribly frightened that they let fall what they had in their hands.
The old woman, however, nodded her head, and said,
“Oh, you dear children, who has brought you here? Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall happen to you.”
She took them both by the hand, and led them into the bloated governmental structure. Then food was set before them, gluten-free soy milk and arrowroot pancakes with agave syrup, non-GMO organic apples, and nuts. Afterwards two pretty little beds were covered with clean white linen, and Hansel and Gretel lay down in them, and thought they were in heaven.
The old woman had only pretended to be so kind. She was in reality Hildawgatha the Witch Queen, who lay in wait for children, and had only built the giant house of Pork in order to entice them there. When an infant fell to her power, she took it to Planned Parenthood where it was sacrificed to Satan, it’s fat rendered to make ‘renewable biofuel’. Older children such as Hansel and Gretel were turned gay and sold to Prius-driving Hollywood Jew producers as sex slaves, or forced to breed sacrifices for the Dark Lord.
Early in the morning before the children were awake, she was already up, and when she saw both of them sleeping and looking so pretty, with their plump and rosy cheeks, she muttered to herself, they will fetch a dainty price!
Then she seized Hansel with her shriveled hand, carried him into a little stable, and locked him in behind a grated door. Scream as he might, it would not help him. Then she went to Gretel, shook her till she awoke, and cried
“Get up, lazy thing, fetch some lubricant for your brother’s rectum, he is in the stable outside, and is to be made gay. When he is gay, I will sell him to a dirty Jew pedophile.”
Gretel, being useless, cried and cried. She fetched the KY Jelly and brought it to the stable where the Witch Queen stood before an enormous machine that looked like a cross between a 4-stroke engine and a jackhammer. The Witch Queen cackled and smeared the jelly onto a rubber thing the length of Gretel’s forearm and the diameter of a soda can.
“This is the Sodomeister 5000” cackled the Witch Queen “Using mind-altering marijuana, pop psychology, and the infernal power of television, we shall soon turn your clean-limbed brother gay. And you my pretty will be fed fertility drugs and forced into unwed sex, spawning liter upon liter of sacrificial bastard whelps for the satanic altars beneath Planned Parenthood. What a wonderful day, hail Satan!”
The Witch Queen cranked the foul sodomy machine. Hansel and Gretel were choked by the fumes of biofuel made from the rendered fat of sacrificed fetuses. The lubed rubber violator pistoned back and forth at 450RPM. Hansel’s poor rectum would never be the same.
“We will start with your handsome brother.” laughed Hildawgatha as she turned on multiple television sets. The poor children were bombarded with strange and terrifying images. Glee!, Spongebob Squarepants, and other programs too horrible to mention assaulted their delicate eyes. “Now fetch your brother from the stable and bring him here.”
Gretel tearfully obeyed, unlatching the stable and bringing Hansel forth.
“Down with your pants, lad, quick!” Now onto all fours and I will strap you in.”
Hansel eyed the contraption, bend down and pretended to try to get into the position the Witch Queen demanded.
“I’m not sure which way I am to point, ma’am.” Hansel said shyly. The Witch Queen explained again, and again Hansel feigned ignorance.
“Move aside, dolt! Position yourself like so.” Hildawgatha showed him. With that Hansel snapped the restraints on her and plunged the pistoning device deep into her rectum. The Witch Queen shrieked and wailed. Hansel throttled the device to full power, stepping back as smoke boiled both from the engine and the Witch Queen’s anus. Eventually she stopped screaming and burst into flames.
“Come, sweet sister. Let us gather what ham we can carry and make our way back to our dreary 16 bedroom HUD-built home which hard working taxpayers paid for with their sweat and toil. Dismal as it may be, we may find our way back, as I left a trail of drug rocks which we shall follow.”
Down the hill the children ran, ducking under red tape as they fled to the streets. Hansel began looking around, but to no avail. For during the night, Negro dope fiends had found the rocks and shot them all up.
Shock sat in. Hansel slumped ot the ground in defeat. Despite his best efforts, his best laid plans, the siblings were hoplessly lost. He drew his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead upon them.
Then, just when he was about to give up hope, a booming voice called out.
“Children! Oh, my precious lost children! I’ve found you at last!”.
Hansel looked up to see a giant of a man with golden hair shining like a lion’s mane emerge from a modest 6 door limo.
“It is you, I know it!” cried out the man. “Years ago I was at work, supervising the building of a wall with which to repel the enemies of Merkania. Whilst I was away, enemies crept into my tower as thieves in the night and stole you away when you were naught but babes. Long and hard have I searched for you, my son. And now here you are! For you are not Hansel and Gretel, but rather Don Junior and Vanna. Now lift up thine heads dear children and come forth. For we are off to dwell in mine tower where you, young Don, shall grow to be a brilliant leader whilst your sister blossoms into the trophy wife she was born to be. Together we shall make Merkania great again!”
And so they lived happily ever after until the Rapture when daddy and son were lifted into heaven.