God's News Ticker

Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accounts

By Sister Basilissa, a Chaste and Concerned True Christian Woman

The End Times must be upon us, because Jesus is testing our faith as never before. Our Great Spiritual Leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, has been recently smeared in the National Enquirer, and now there are some rumors within our Godly community, alleging that Pastor Ezekiel has been involved in the Panama Papers scandal (these false allegations are being fueled by an emotional plea made recently by Pastor Ezekiel).

Therefore, it is our obligation to publish on this forum a recent press release that has been submitted to local, regional, national, and international press:

***Breaking News: Landover Baptist Church Press Release***


Landover Baptist Church strongly denies baseless and totally false accusations thrown against the Church leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, which have surfaced recently in relation to the Panama Papers leak of off-shore bank accounts data.

First, the allegations that Pastor Ezekiel Flint possesses such off-shore accounts are completely false, because all evidence that could have been used to support such false claims has been burned in an accidental fire which has consumed all church accounting data.

Second, even if Pastor Ezekiel Flint currently has (or has had at some point in time) such accounts, he definitely does not have much or even any money on these accounts.

Third, assuming that someone were to demonstrate Pastor Ezekiel Flint’s ownership of substantial amounts of money in such (completely hypothetical and definitely non-existent) off-shore bank accounts, Pastor Ezekiel Flint and other church leaders strongly deny the accusations that Pastor has been stuffing church money into his own private off-shore bank accounts over the past decade, as his father Pastor Lamentations Flint had also been unjustly accused of doing before him.

Landover Baptist Church stands united behind its leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, and our congregation asks all True Christians™ to pray for Pastor Ezekiel Flint in these difficult times. An additional donation box has been installed next to the east entrance to the church. Pastor Ezekiel Flint wishes to remind the Landover Baptist Church congregation that they should tithe often and charitably to plant the seed of their own financial abundance.

One thing that we can be absolutely sure based on all of the available information, is that Pastor Ezekiel Flint is an upstanding True Christian™, beloved by God, as shown by all of the unjust persecution he is currently suffering.

Matthew 5:10-12
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Praise Jesus, pray for Pastor Ezekiel, and please do not forget about that donations collection box mentioned in the press release!

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Replies:
Michael Hezekiah Esq (21-11-2016 06:30 AM): If my gardener, my driver and my hairdresser have many companies in Panama, that happen to have many accounts in Switzerland, this has nothing to do with me. I just gave my name in case they needed someone ...
Dr. Anthony J. Toole (21-11-2016 10:30 PM): Your name does not appear in any of these records. Of course, I could dig deeper. This is the kind of persecution of Good Christian People that could get Your kind of people in a lot of hot water. Did ...
Brother Gonzalez (21-11-2016 11:45 PM): Your name does not appear in any of these records. Of course, I could dig deeper. There is no need to name names, Michael. Let it be. In a complete unrelated manner, I have found that I have a bullet ...
Roland (22-11-2016 01:59 AM): There is no need to name names, Michael. Let it be. In a complete unrelated manner, I have found that I have a bullet with your name on. Wouldn´t those irregularities cause problems extracting the shell ...
Brother Gonzalez (22-11-2016 01:02 PM): Wouldn´t those irregularities cause problems extracting the shell from the chamber? If you need more than one bullet, that is. But I would not know as my government opress me and I cannot legally own ...
handmaiden (22-11-2016 04:54 PM): . . .I cannot legally own handguns, automatic rifles or armored vehicles. Oh, how I long for freedom. That's just awful. All the world's problems would be solved if we had more guns. . . Except for the ...
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