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Red Riding Hood – A Values Tale

By Des, a Concerned True Christian Man

Little Red Riding Hood with a gun

Once upon a time there was a young lady barely into her teens whose name is unimportant. As it was raining on the particular day of this story and she donned a hooded red cape, we’ll call her Red Riding Hood.

Red Riding Hood wished to see her grandmother who had recently moved to her town. And so Red Riding Hood drew on the one article of clothing which would define her, and set off to visit her grandmother who she had never met.

Red Riding Hood lived in a miserable town that was ran by liberals. This fact indeed was what allowed Grandmother to move there. Because the Liberals opposed gentrification and blocked all efforts of the respectable citizens to do so, large sections of town had fallen into disrepair, allowing even retired grandmothers to afford property and causing property values to plummet while packs of ravenous wolves prowled the streets unchecked. The dozens of wolf attacks that happened every week were not reported by the Liberal news service, but on the rare instance that a police officer was forced to shoot a wolf the news turned it into a horror story about the police brutality. Red Riding Hood was therefore woefully ill-informed as to the dangers that awaited her.

Setting out toward the neighborhood her Grandmother lived, Red Riding Hood skipped along merrily, singing a chererful tune.
Over the train tracks and through the hood, to Grandmother’s house I go! 

First she came onto the dens of the hook-nose wolves who nipped at her purse, but they were soon wheezing and out of breath.

Next she passed the dens of the brown wolves who were all asleep when they should have been out hunting.

Then she passed the dens of the mostly harmless yellow wolves, the females of which are docile and make nice pets.

Then she passed the dens of the sand wolves who were decapitating a social worker dispached to welcome them to the neighborhood.

She made it past the dens of the rainbow wolves unharmed, they prefering the flesh of young boys.

A pair of wolves in sheeps clothing tried to lure her into a stall, but she didn’t need to use the restroom.

Finally she came to the territory of the worst wolves of all; the black wolves!

Skipping along, blissfully ignorant of the danger, she soon found herself acousted by the biggest, blackest wolf in the town. As wolf daddies never stick around, it is the practice of wolf mothers to name their children after the likely daddies. Therefore the wolf who approached Red Riding Hood was named Jerome Treyvon Eugene Barack Kanye T-Bone Rufus Wolfson.
“Yo dere, sugah,” he called to her “Where such a fine thang like yo’sef be off to?”
“Why, I’m off to visit my Grandmother who only recently moved here.” she explained with a smile.
” You ain’t gotts to be in no hurry, sugah. I sees you gots yo’sef a pie barely covered up dere. C’mon ovah heah an’ lets ol’ Wolfson have a piece’a dat.”

Red Riding Hood, raised in such a foul and secular Liberal environment, lacked the common sense to securely bundle her pie. Now she was embarassed that she had covered it so poorly and left it virtually exposed.
“I’m terribly sorry, Mister Wolf sir, but I’ve never let anyone try my pie before. I wouldn’t feel right letting a stranger sample it first.” she explained.
“Aww, c’mon, sugah, let ol’ Wolfson have jus a lil bitt’a dat pie! Ain’t nobody gots to know. I bet dat dere be a ‘nilla cream pie.”
“No sir, it’s a cherry pie. Now I really must be off to visit my dear old Grandmother.”

“Mmmm Mmmm!” The big black wolf said to himself while licking his oversized lips and watching the young girl skip away. “I’s gwine gets me dat pie, fo sho, fo sho!” With that the wolf rushed off down an alley, taking a shortcut to Grandmother’s house.

Wolves are not intelligent, but can be very cunning, and this one was no exception. By the time he reached his destination he had concocted a plan. He knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” came a voice from inside.
“I be’s wit da AARP, ol woman. I’s heah what fo talk wit’choo ’bout yo socialist securitary.”
” Oh, in that case come on in. I’ll put on a pot of tea.” replied the Grandmother.

black wolves will take any pie they find, wasted no time ravaging the old lady’s pie

The big black wolf rushed in, and as black wolves will take any pie they find, wasted no time ravaging the old lady’s pie. Grandmother died of shame then from having her pie stolen by a big black wolf. The wolf stuffed her body into a closet, and in direct violation of Deuteronomy 22:5, threw on her robe and climbed into her bed.

Moments later there was a knock on the door.
“Who dat be?” asked the wolf.
“Ezra Lupenstein, ma’am. I want to offer you the opportunity to invest your pension in…”
“Git on outta heah!” yelled the big black wolf. “Ah ain’ts wantin’ any’a dat.”

The big black wolf settled back into the bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin. Moments later there was another knock on the door.
“Who dat be?” asked the wolf.
“It’s your unnamed granddaughter, come to visit you.” called back Red Riding Hood.
“C’mon in heah, sugah. Let yo granny gets a look at’choo.”

Red Riding Hood entered the small dimly lit cabin and saw the figure beneath the blanket on the bed.
“Lawdy, I gotts da po eyesight. C’mon ovah heah.” said the wolf. “Lets ya ol granny sees you, sugah.”

Image result for red riding hood gun
Red Riding Hood stepped closer.
“Why Grandmaw,” she exclaimed “what a large animalistic nose you have!”
“Da bettah what fo be sniffin’ out dem moist delicious pies, sugah. Now come closer.”
Red Riding Hood took a step closer.
“Why Grandmaw,” she exclaimed” what thick, rubbery lips and shiny gold teeth you have!”
“Da bettah what fo be gobblin’ up dem hot sweet pies, sugah. Now come closer.”
Red Riding Hood took a step closer.
“Why Grandmaw,” she exclaimed “what a huge wooden mixing spoon you’re holding beneath the blanket.”
“Da bettah what fo usin’ on dem fresh pies, sugah. Now jus’ a lil bit closer.”
Red Riding Hood stepped to the foot of the bed.
“Why Grandmaw,” she exclaimed “What a strange, tight perm you have in your hair.”
“Boo’yah!” cried the wolf, throwing off the blanket and leaping from the bed. “Gimme dat pie! I’s gwine wreck dat pie! Dey ain’t gwine be no pie left when I’s tru wit it!”
“Eeek!” shrieked Red Riding Hood. The wolf chased her in circles around the cabin.

American made Colt 1911 .45 ACP

Just then a strapping woodsman, born of the outdoors, NRA member and card carrying Republican, happened to be passing by. Hearing the screams coming from the cabin, he burst through the door.

Image result for red riding hood gun
“Unhand her, you fiend!” the woodsman cried in anger while brandishing his American made Colt 1911 .45 ACP.
“I din do nuffin!” whined the wolf, releasing his giant wooden spoon and throwing his filthy paws in the air in a threatening manner.
“I’m standing my ground!” called out the woodsman while firing eleven warning shots into the wolf’s chest, then reloading and pumping another magazine into the beast’s skull when it was clear the wolf was not going to put its paws behind its head and stand down. Then, seeing the monster was dead, the woodsman sank wearily into a rocking chair.
“Thank you, kind sir, for rescuing me.” said Red Riding Hood. “I am but a poor, helpless girl unable to protect myself, and am fortunate to have had a big, strong, heavily armed man of good moral standing come to my aid.”
“From but one of many savages, silly woman. You were foolish to wander these streets without the protection of a vigilant Christian male to defend your pie and honor.” responded the woodsman.
“I don’t understand.” sobbed Red Riding Hood. “The media says that wolves are harmless misunderstood creatures that deserve our love, respect, and tax dollars.”
“Oh, you darling ignorant girl.” sighed the woodsman. “Hook nose wolves own the liberal media. They only look out for their own kind. They don’t care what happens to anyone else.”
“Whatever shall I do?” she asked. “I must get home to the safety of my father and brother. But forever after I will dwell in fear each time I walk to school.”
“This happens every time Liberals take control. Wolves roam the streets and girls are taught they need not adequately cover their pies. Each time it is up to we staunch defenders of the Faith and Constituion to set things right. But fear not, sweet dullard. For I shall escort you home. Then I shall arm the townsfolk with shotguns and Bibles so that they might take back their streets. Soon the wolves and their Liberal puppets will be driven from the town. But first, come sit on my lap and let me try a piece of that juicy pie of yours.”
“Yes, sir!” agreed Red Riding Hood.

The End

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