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How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I got a litter of kittens for my children a few months ago. They were awesome and brought my little girls much joy, such is the Grace of God. However, they have recently started becoming willful and mischievous. One of the even scratched one of my sons and pushed my little girl, Anabella, in the face. Not knowing what to do, I of course went to the premiere authority on animal handling: The King James Bible.

I start with the fact that, as we all know, God gave us dominion over all animals on the Earth:

Genesis 1:26
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

This means we can do as we see fit to all animals, but it also means we must be stewards to them. Now, I had to find out what God wants me to do to Tinkebell, Snowball, and the rest of the “pretty kitties” as my girls call them.

I found answers in Exodus:

Stone Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:28
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.

Stone Animals Who Push People
Exodus 21:32
If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.

So it is clear… If any animal I own attacks or even “pushes” someone else, I MUST kill it. Also of note is that I am at risk of being stoned to death if Mr. Tibbles were to get out of the house and “push” a neighbor:

Stone Owners Of Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:29
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.


I hope you can see that this make it a very urgent matter for me.

So it seems that Sweet Baby Jesus wants me to take Mrs. Puss-N-Boots and the rest of the “cuddly crew” and bash their skulls in with rocks. But then I saw the following:

Genesis 6:5-7

5And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

This is, of course, God’s decision that he needed to wipe out all humans and animals with his great flood. A cat that was in teh flood could have lived for week, adrift on floatsom, before slowly drowning. God has clearly given me two ways to deal with disobedience animals.

So it leaves me with a dilemma: do I bash the kittens to death or drown them slowly in the tub? Which shows more love for God?


handmaiden (28-12-2017 10:50 PM): God drowned a lot of kittens* in the Flood, but head-bashing (in the form of stoning to death) was something He only commanded to be done to sinful humans. For example, a woman who was raped in a well-populated ...
Ezekiel Bathfire (29-12-2017 12:29 AM): You might consider burning. Witches often have cats as familiars. Witches are traditionally burned, especially in places where there are few suitable stones. Burning purifies and at the same time allow ...
handmaiden (29-12-2017 02:38 AM): . . . it doesn't matter much which method you use as animals have no soul. That is an excellent point, esteemed Brother Bathfire. Animals have no souls because they are nothing more than a collection ...
gayboi900 (29-12-2017 07:26 PM): Don't be silly. Prisons are some of the most efficient breeding-grounds for religion. Besides, one cannot abuse a position of unrestricted authority. There is simply no room for corruption when one has ...
GayChristian (29-12-2017 10:13 PM): this site is a cult ...
Johny Joe Hold (30-12-2017 02:24 AM): this site is a cult You do not know the definition of a "cult". A cult is a group of people under the domination of a person or idea. The members do not think for themselves. We here at Landover Baptists ...
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