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-   -   Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christian? (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=42182)

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 05-01-2010 05:44 PM

Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christian?
 
For the last time, THIS IS FOR MEN ONLY! THIS INCLUDES YOU, LITTLE LADY, YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! MEN ONLY! MEN ONLY!

Is there such a thing as Christian penis enlargement? I ask because there are a lot of websites with information on how to grow a bigger penis, but all of them are filled with sin, including pictures, lust-inducing discussions, and disturbing arabic words like "jelq".

I think the "jelq" method is not Christian, because it requires a state of semi-arousal, making it half-masturbation. The tempation to think lustfully is too great, and there is even a risk of onanism - and the very thought of killing unconcieved children makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide inside me.:(

Creams aren't Christian, since they have to be "applied", so that leaves pills. However, I don't recommend these for older gentlemen, as Obama's death panels might give you a cyanide capsule instead.

I asked Dr Laurie if she could enlarge my penis, but she misinterpreted my request with awkward results.

Advice please.

EDIT: NO I don't ask this for lustful purposes. It is just that I used to take pride in all forms of my manliness and after seeing a certain brother have a certain "church boner" I have been feeling less-manly. Frankly I was shocked to learn that God makes them longer than 4 inches.

Bobby-Joe 05-01-2010 06:15 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Pastor Zeke needs to chime in. He is widely held to know the most about Christian penises.

Rev. Jim Osborne 05-01-2010 06:29 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
As an ordained reverend who knows the Bible through and through, I can vouch that it is not a sin to enlarge your penis, as long as it is for the right reasons. If you are doing so for vanity or to attract more sexual partners, then no. That's a sin. But, if God created you with a small tallywhacker and you find it difficult to have proper intercourse with your wife, then that is perfectly acceptable.

I have a friend of mine, let's call him Rev. Joe, that's a fellow televangelist. He has everything he wants in his life...a nice mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean, a fleet of Rolls-Royces, a beautiful wife 30 years his junior, an award-winning television gospel program, and a faithful flock who listens to his every word and is generous in their tithing. Even when he got caught with a Thai transsexual prostitute and his money laundering and tax evasion were brought public, and he ended up spending the next fifteen years in a federal prison, Rev. Joe was still blessed by God. Upon his release, he made a comeback with his career and joined up with one of the richest churches in America.

Rev. Joe had one problem though. He was not "gifted" by God down there. His first wife nicknamed his appendage "Lil' Stubby". As a result, intercourse was always embarrassing and awkward. It didn't help that he had a massive gut in the way.

So, Rev. Joe went to see Dr. Bernie Schwartz of the Schwartz Male Health Clinic in Beverly Hills. Dr. Bernie was able to enlarge Rev. Joe so that he would be able to satisfy his wife in future adventures. The office was very clean, the staff helpful, and Dr. Bernie listened to me patiently and was truly professional. I highly recommend Dr. Schwartz.

HTannor 05-05-2010 01:49 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
I, too, know of a person suffering the same affliction as Rev. Joe. My friend longs for relief from this problem.

Could you ask Rev. Joe to share some of the techniques as practiced by the good doctor?

My little friend would be appreciative of learning more of this subject.

Oakland "Reb" Griner 05-05-2010 01:56 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
I should think that if such treatments were for the only purpose of facilitating conception of more soldiers for Christ with your wife, then there would be no problem at all.

I might add a caution, that if some other motive(s) were present besides fathering more Godly children, God's wrath over the practice might assume particularly gruesome and disturbing proportions.

Pastor Isaac Peters 05-05-2010 03:55 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

Pastor Ezekiel 05-05-2010 04:01 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters (Post 518697)
If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

Is that the new "fluffer" technology that the Creation Scientists over at Lanbover Baptist University have been telling me about? :huh:

Brother V 05-05-2010 06:37 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
This just makes me sad. :(

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?

Levi Jones 05-05-2010 06:45 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother V (Post 518745)
This just makes me sad. :(

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?

I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20. :o

Seth Campbell 05-05-2010 06:49 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters (Post 518697)
If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

I would be interested in this technique, as sometimes it slips out at the most inopportune moment and I do not want to be smited as Onan was.

Brother V 05-05-2010 06:56 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Levi Jones (Post 518749)
I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20. :o

That's the affliction.

:(

But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have. :(

Rev. M. Rodimer 05-06-2010 06:04 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother V (Post 518753)
That's the affliction.

:(

But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have. :(

Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.

Bobby-Joe 05-06-2010 08:12 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer (Post 518933)
Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.

From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.

James Dewitt 05-06-2010 08:52 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
The good Lord made all of us, some He gave big feet, some big hands and some a big:blushroll:.

Rev. M. Rodimer 05-06-2010 09:38 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe (Post 519012)
From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.

Ah, I hadn't seen that image.

Perhaps a handcart would be useful?

Brother V 05-06-2010 09:51 PM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Sorry to derail your thread brother Jeb, i'll let you people get back to your little issues.

YIC
V

Jimmy C Lombardo 05-07-2010 09:22 AM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
I was taught that God invented many great things like fire, electricity and penis enlargement. Only a Christian knows how to use these gifts wisely.

handmaiden 05-08-2010 02:50 AM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Don't worry, I m not looking at the screen, only at my keyboard. As an anthropologist, I should tell you that larger scrotums. not larger penese or penises or whatever serve God. The larger the teabag, the stronger the tea, so to speak. "Stronger" tea means more tadpoles for Christ per fluid ounce. That's all you need to know to serve God while stumbling along, in the dark, doing your part for the furtherence of the True Christian Race.

I will back out of the forum slowly with my eyes averted.

Uncomfortably Yours,

Handmaiden

James Dewitt 05-08-2010 02:58 AM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by handmaiden (Post 519474)
Don't worry, I m not looking at the screen, only at my keyboard. As an anthropologist, I should tell you that larger scrotums. not larger penese or penises or whatever serve God. The larger the teabag, the stronger the tea, so to speak. "Stronger" tea means more tadpoles for Christ per fluid ounce. That's all you need to know to serve God while stumbling along, in the dark, doing your part for the furtherence of the True Christian Race.

I will back out of the forum slowly with my eyes averted.

Uncomfortably Yours,

Handmaiden

It seems that you have achieved a higher education level that most . It is unfortunate that you did not learn how to read. THIS section is for MEN only. Unless you can grab some thing other than air between your legs(Testicles) I suggest you move on. Take note of the highlighted text!

handmaiden 05-08-2010 03:15 AM

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia
 
Actually, "penes" minus the "e" is an acceptable plural for the word "penis". "Furtherence" I gotta give ya, though. Still, considering that I'm typing without reading, that is pretty impressive.

Plus, I was married, you know. So I saw one in person once. My husband was a deeply, sincerely spiritual man who did not allow his sex drive to get out of hand, so I was spared too much exposure . There was just enough to remind of God's glory in having made Man in His Own Image.


Backing out once again, no looking back at Noah's Ark or anything.

Handmaiden


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