Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

I know this is an uncomfortable subject, but in every wedding there is the FIRST FART. I know some grooms expect their new wife to never fart, while all good brides know men fart, but know better than to complain.

Anyway, I think it would help our newlyweds if some of us more seasoned spouses would share their experiences and wisdom.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

let me just say that I HAVE NEVER PASSSED air infront of Zeke since we got engaged back in 2005, but sadly, he is not discrete in some bodily functions.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Thanks to Elmer's Coon Dog, I have never passed gas in my 25 years of marriage. I do wonder if we should stop buying Old Roy dog food from Walmarts.

PS I keep a body pillow between Elmer and I so I can block his barn burners.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Lol, maybe not eat much? A woman should be drinking more tea, anyway.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

A good TC wife should WORSHIP her man's flatulence! That's some Godly poot coming out of her man's sphincter and it's the wife's duty to inhale in a great, BIG whiff the moment she detects that delightful odor. :worthy:

There's nothing to complain about. I let out great, big, juicy man farts all the time. There nothing at all bad about the smell. In fact, Creation Scientists have proven that WOMEN LOVE IT!! Last time I ripped a big one, Sister SUV practically fainted out of ecstasy when she passed by!!!


There's nothing like a great big "whodunnit" to keep the wife in her proper place! :thumbsup:

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Now you women quit blaming the men. We know you really does it!
Men, maybe it's time to quit being gentlemen and taking the blame.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Keep it plugged up with a Cork.
You can then go discreetly into the Bathroom to release it in it's proper place.
I happened upon this handy little gizmo a few years back. It suites the purpose well, although I've absolutely no idea what it really is.

Attachment 5330

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Looks awfully like one of those "pineapple" things that grace the outdoor balustrades of my mansion.

http://www.chilstone.com/Images/c330..._finial_th.jpg

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

I guess there are some advantages to being a widower. :(

Genesis 22:5
And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Pineapples are acidic, and I think that is a counter-fart agent.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

Wait a second....Is this why I keep finding bottles of "Beano" on my doorstep, in the collection plate, and on my car? :angry:

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

"Beano"? What is this "Beano" of which you speak? I've never heard of "Beano." What is the purpose of this "Beano"? :ph34r:

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

We are far too tolerant of women around here. :wacko:
Try clicking on the word "Beano" in the Great pastor's post.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

I think the Mens fart a whole lot more than we do, Mother Glynndie - and show off about it, too!!! :angry:

Rumor has it that the idyllic 32-day Marriage of Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman http://ts4.images.live.com/images/th...7bed9d5882be54
broke up due to his propensity for sticking her head under the covers to give her a "Dutch Oven" :(

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

My dear Tom told me once that semen is a good cure for flattulence. Better than spilling it at least. I don't know whether or not it works, but we have tried numerous times. He says it works. I always trust what he says.

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

I followed your instructions, Brother Eliot, and I want to assure you that I have never laid eyes on this product before, much less left it on Pastor Ezekiel's anyone's property for them to find. Never. I swear. :innocent:

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

I think the essence of a True Christian™ is to be modest, and generally socially considerate. Some things you know are right, and where there is doubt, look to the Unsaved Trash™. If they are doing it – it is wrong.

Silence is the correct way of proceeding in the presence of flatulence is Am:5:13: Therefore the prudent shall keep silence in that time; for it is an evil time.

And was it not Amos himself who said, Am:5:21[…], and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.

If there is a noise to be made, The Lord of Hosts will do it: 1Th:4:16: For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: - and the even the dead will be aware of it.

I attach a picture of Unsaved Trash hurrying to his newly wed wife – I believe most will see why breaking wind is not big or clever:

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

He plays the butt trumpet?

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

:D Who is to explain the ways of the Unsaved?

Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...
 

:( Mrs.Momma Glynndie, please tell me that not true, cuz now i gots a schmelly image in my brains of all landover ladys doing fartz :icon8: , an i thawt they were like the Queen of englands she never ever done a fartz in her hole life, she never even pooped, an if she did it would schmell like a bootiful rose :) just like our poops will when we gets to heevens :angel: i wonder if lord Jesus did fartz, were they silent an violent, were they fartz of wrath or were they loud an proud like angel trumpets in revelations? :unsure: these be the big kwestions in my brains rite now-_-