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-   -   How to be a Good True Christian™ Wife (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=161)

Daisy Mae Johnson 09-21-2006 09:22 PM

How to be a Good True Christian™ Wife
 
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

A good Wife KNOWS her place!

And remember, a good spanking or slap upside of the head maybe required to keep her in line.

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/6199/spanking1hd.jpg

Ladies, please post your ideas and comments on what makes YOU a good True Christian™ Wife.

Helpful, Sister Thumper

MoonFlower 09-21-2006 10:22 PM

I agree BTB. If there's something this tree-hugger can do well is please her man. I love to spoil my man (if I had one :( ) and serve him on hand and foot. There's nothing more pleasing than seeing your man happy.

Moon

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFlower (Post 2389)
I agree BTB. If there's something this tree-hugger can do well is please her man. I love to spoil my man (if I had one :( ) and serve him on hand and foot. There's nothing more pleasing than seeing your man happy.

Moon

You have the right attitude. Now all you need to do is shave your legs and armpits and start tithing to Landover.

MoonFlower 09-22-2006 12:36 AM

:wallbash: Like I've said a million and one times before...I SHAVE ALL MY BODY HAIR (except for my head) TO PREVENT FLEAS. And, just in case you haven'ty heard...I TITHE TO LANDOVER EVERY SUNDAY (if not Pa'daddy will come to my Sycamore and beat me silly).

So, now that I tithe AND shave, what's my next move Mikey? I'm already going to start my Bible Studies® and Healings® with Lar baby.

Moon

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFlower (Post 2469)
:wallbash: Like I've said a million and one times before...I SHAVE ALL MY BODY HAIR (except for my head) TO PREVENT FLEAS. And, just in case you haven'ty heard...I TITHE TO LANDOVER EVERY SUNDAY (if not Pa'daddy will come to my Sycamore and beat me silly).

So, now that I tithe AND shave, what's my next move Mikey? I'm already going to start my Bible Studies® and Healings® with Lar baby.

Moon

Get a proper job and tithe more. It creeps me out knowing that you live in the woods like a jungle monkey. :themonkey:

MoonFlower 09-22-2006 12:49 AM

:( Sorry Mikey. The last thing I wanna do is creep anyone out. :sorry: I'm trying to see if anyone needs someone that's going to mainatin the house for them. I'm hoping Lar baby or BJ will hire me...they'd be really good bosses and they're very patient with me.

I'll get a job Mikey, but then what??

Moon

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFlower (Post 2477)
:( Sorry Mikey. The last thing I wanna do is creep anyone out. :sorry: I'm trying to see if anyone needs someone that's going to mainatin the house for them. I'm hoping Lar baby or BJ will hire me...they'd be really good bosses and they're very patient with me.

I'll get a job Mikey, but then what??

Moon

REPENT™ from your wiccan ways and accept JESUS into your life and become a True Christian™. Then find ways to tithe more to Landover Baptist. :thumbsup:

SalvationSeeker 09-22-2006 12:54 AM

Despite all the patience you have obviously been shown, Moon..
You still spit in the face of Jesus?! :angry:

You're lucky I don't live in Freehold (as of yet) or I would have dragged you by-the-hair back to good Pastor Al!

Lets hope Brother Mike will set you straight.
For your own sake! Because hell is no fun.

MoonFlower 09-22-2006 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother_Mike (Post 2479)
REPENT™ from your wiccan ways and accept JESUS into your life and become a True Christian™. Then find ways to tithe more to Landover Baptist. :thumbsup:


The only way I'll convert to Christianity...again...is if I marry a Christian. And since that's probably NOT going to happen, then neither is me converting. :(

It's a shame too cuz I'd make a great wife! I love to cook and clean and I REALLY want babies! And I'd NEVER turn down hanky panky (for the purpose of making children, of course).

*sigh* At least I have my 13 cats to keep me company.

Moon

Pastor Al E Pistle 09-22-2006 01:08 AM

That's the silliest thing I ever heard! Christianity is not something you can put on and take off like clothes to please a man! Christianity is accepting CHRIST, heart and soul and tithing to Landover. Then, when you get married, your husband and his family can tithe as well!

Glendora Christianson 09-22-2006 01:37 AM

To Be "Glendora Good", Add These Steps.
 
How to be a "Good as Glendora" Wife

1. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.

2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him.

3. DO NOT distract him with your female insanity; PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

4. Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.

5. You may sit at the dinner table, but if he wants hotter gravy or something from the kitchen, you need to be up and gone for it with a smile.

6. After dinner you may begin clearing the table as he waits for you to bring his dessert. If he aims a playful swipe at your backside during the clearing, smile and continue to get his dessert.

7. Do not complain or question if your Husband has plans for after dinner. He has the right to a private life. Never call to check up on him. Use your free time to bake more, or to do his laundry.

8. Always go to bed before your Husband. He deserves a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously.

9. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.


MoonFlower 09-22-2006 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle (Post 2485)
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! Christianity is not something you can put on and take off like clothes to please a man! Christianity is accepting CHRIST, heart and soul and tithing to Landover. Then, when you get married, your husband and his family can tithe as well!

Well I need a good True Christian man to be my teacher and future husband before I convert! Remember what happend last time I jumped into Chritianity?! Remember what happened??? :seesaw2zg: I don't want that to ever happen again, so if any man out there can possible make me think twice about what I believe...he's the man for me. Untill then, I'll continue my search.

Moon

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFlower (Post 2491)
Well I need a good True Christian man to be me teacher and future husband before I convert! Remember what happend last time I jumped into Chritianity?! Remember what happened??? I don't want that to ever happen again, so if any man out there can possible make me think twice about what I believe...he's the man for me. Untill then, I'll continue my search.

Moon

I dunno, moon. Are you gonna stick to all these guidelines and become a True Christian™? :wub:

MoonFlower 09-22-2006 01:44 AM

If the man's a good teacher, of course. I'd do anything for the person I'm gonna spend eternity with. I think I'd make a damn good wife!

I make kick ass pies too. :D

Moon

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 01:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonFlower (Post 2493)
If the man's a good teacher, of course. I'd do anything for the person I'm gonna spend eternity with. I think I'd make a damn good wife!

I make kick ass pies too. :D

Moon

:wub::wub::wub:

Pastor Ezekiel 09-22-2006 04:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brother_Mike (Post 2496)
:wub::wub::wub:

Uh...ahem....I think you need to speak to Pastor Pistle about making some arrangements for a proper Christian chaperone Brother Mike....And don't get too involved until you've tasted some of these allegedly delicious pies.:thumbsup:

Brother_Mike 09-22-2006 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel (Post 2523)
Uh...ahem....I think you need to speak to Pastor Pistle about making some arrangements for a proper Christian chaperone Brother Mike....And don't get too involved until you've tasted some of these allegedly delicious pies.:thumbsup:

I've already tithed the chaperone fee ($200) via paypal, when Pastor Pistle gets here we'll organize something. :wub:

SalvationSeeker 09-22-2006 04:46 AM

Congratulations, Brother Mike & Moon.
I am sure you will make a True Christian woman out of her, Brother. :thumbsup:

For as we both surely know:
"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."
Proverbs 21:19

Mrs. Rogers 09-22-2006 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde (Post 2370)
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Indeed, but let us not be too eager; nothing angers a True Christian™ husband more than salting his food before he has had a chance to taste it. Mr. Rogers would give me a sharp rap over the knuckles - with the hard, heavy handle of his knife - whenever I abused the condiments, and therefore his dinner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson (Post 2490)
3. DO NOT distract him with your female insanity; PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

So very true - PMS is an indulgence that no True Christian™ lady need partake of; additionally, men do not want nor need to hear the words "cramps", "periods", or even "heavy to medium flow". In the interests of sparing husbands from the horror of our womanhood, I recommend all younger ladies who still suffer the Monthly Curse© find a good hiding place for their sanitary napkins - there's no need to succumb to the temptation of "discreet" Fingers of Satan. I suggest hiding your napkins under the laundry sink, behind the cleaning products; no True Christian™ man has ever ventured there, as far as I know.

lilith 09-22-2006 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers (Post 2532)
Indeed, but let us not be too eager; nothing angers a True Christian™ husband more than salting his food before he has had a chance to taste it. Mr. Rogers would give me a sharp rap over the knuckles - with the hard, heavy handle of his knife - whenever I abused the condiments, and therefore his dinner.


So very true - PMS is an indulgence that no True Christian™ lady need partake of; additionally, men do not want nor need to hear the words "cramps", "periods", or even "heavy to medium flow". In the interests of sparing husbands from the horror of our womanhood, I recommend all younger ladies who still suffer the Monthly Curse© find a good hiding place for their sanitary napkins - there's no need to succumb to the temptation of "discreet" Fingers of Satan. I suggest hiding your napkins under the laundry sink, behind the cleaning products; no True Christian™ man has ever ventured there, as far as I know.


So...Mrs R? Is it true that's because TC men believe that proximity to cleaning products will cause...um..vital..bits of their anatomy to drop off?:innocent:


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