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-   -   HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY! (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=5557)

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 11-21-2007 02:47 PM

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Please bookmark this page and check daily for updates on the latest terrorist threats, and what you can do to keep your family safe.

April 16th '15: In a major security failure, clearly Obama's fault, which I will call Choppergate, a man used a weird, nerdy vehicle to get past a fence, allowing him entry into a public building. Worse, he was heavily armed with "letters to congress", which he could have used to dish out brutal papercuts. I hear there was a second conspirator on the "grassy knoll", so to speak, with lemon juice, to be rubbed into the papercuts of every member of congress.

On the bright side, I am reassured to see that people still have a healthy fear of the unusual, and distrust of weird people and their weird technology. Are you paying attention, nerds who want flying cars? You're never going to get them, because we can't risk having weird people going to public buildings with them.

Quote:

http://si.wsj.net/public/resources/i...0415171940.jpg Even the guy from "The Hurt Locker" is afraid of nerdmobiles.
September 17th '13: Mass shooting at Washington Naval Yard:

The Air Force Times reports that the area of the Washington Navy Yard where the shooting occurred was as well guarded as the pentagon itself:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Air Force Times
the public’s attention is shifting to security rules at Naval Sea Systems Command headquarters, a high-security building in the middle of the prestigious yard that is home to the Navy’s top officer and other admirals.

The headquarters, Building 197, contains classified and highly sensitive information about technical details of Navy ships and weapons, and it is closely guarded.

Visitors must first get access to the Washington Navy Yard with a military or civilian photo ID. The building is three blocks from the main gate. Those entering must go through an automated turnstile by flashing their NAVSEA badge. They are not allowed to bring in cellphones or photographic and recording devices, which can be exploited by foreign intelligence.

After passing through the turnstile overseen by the security guards at a desk, an employee can enter the lobby, which rises up to the building’s four-story height.

Guests must be checked in and turn in any recording devices. On a recent visit in June, a Navy Times reporter was required to lock his cellphone in a small locker outside the turnstiles before entering. The guest was not made to go through a metal detector but was constantly escorted by a staff member.

These security rules are comparable with those at the Pentagon.

What does this mean? It means THE PENTAGON IS VULNERABLE! Obviously the 1,000,000,000+ terrorists in America have found this out and are decending on the Pentagon right now! As every NRA member knows, mass shootings happen because we don't have enough armed kindergarten teachers and husky 12-year-old boys around.

Fellow patriots, your orders are to find husky 12-year old boys are deliver them to Pastor Ezekiel's learjet at Freehold Airport. Due to limited space, each boy may be individually screened to test for sufficient huskiness.

September 16th '13: I have heard reports that a public-school math teacher was teaching children ARABIC NUMERALS!

December 31st: Massive I.E.D. network uncovered!

December 22nd: Be on the lookout for pumpkin-headed sex-offenders.

November 7th: Terrorist halloween parties!

October 8th: Al Queda sending coded messages the grunts and moans of phone sex!

August 26th:

ALERT! TERRORISTS ARE EVERYWHERE! There are 8 year old terrorists, terrorist attorney generals, and even terrorist pilots who are allowed to bring guns onto their planes!

Worst of all, they have recieved sophisticated training in advanced infiltration tactics such as replacing their first name with an initial, or going by their middle name.

THERE ARE ONE MILLION TERRORISTS AMONG US AND THEY KNOW HOW TO USE INITIALS!:fear2:

Quote:

SAN FRANCISCO, California (CNN) -- James Robinson is a retired Air National Guard brigadier general and a commercial pilot for a major airline who flies passenger planes around the country.

He has even been certified by the Transportation Security Administration to carry a weapon into the cockpit as part of the government's defense program should a terrorist try to commandeer a plane.

But there's one problem: James Robinson, the pilot, has difficulty even getting to his plane because his name is on the government's terrorist "watch list.":fear2:

....more than 1 million names have been added to the watch list since the September 11 attacks....

Besides the airline pilot, there's the James Robinson who served as U.S. attorney in Detroit, Michigan, and as an assistant attorney general in the Clinton administration; and James Robinson of California, who loves tennis, swimming and flying to the East Coast to see his grandmother.

He's 8.

The third-grader has been on the watch list since he was 5 years old. Asked whether he is a terrorist, he said, "I don't know."

...
Denise Robinson says she tells the skycaps her son is on the list, tips heavily and is given boarding passes. And booking her son as "J. Pierce Robinson" also has let the family bypass the watch list hassle.

Capt. James Robinson said he has learned that "Jim Robinson" and "J.K. Robinson" are not on the list.

And Griffin has tested its effectiveness. When he runs his first and middle name together when making a reservation online, he has no problem checking in at the airport.:fear2:
May 26th:

Job Opening!

December 13th:

Al Queda has recruited recent college graduates to go to sperm-donor clinics, smuggling in vials of Saddam Hussien's preserved sperm, so that they can pass off Saddam's sperm as their own.

The plan is that 9 months from now, there will be an economy-shattering mass panic as Saddam's sons and daughters start being born all over America.

Of course, True Christians do not engage in the baby-murdering practise of artificial insemination, but I'm still posting this just as a general heads-up.

November 30th:

Okay, I trust all of you are keeping up-to-date with the recent 9-11-all-over-again in New Hampshire. Yes, once again a drunken man has duct-taped roadflares to his chest and is threatening to do something rash - perhaps using the flares to blind someone (those things are bright, you know).

Anyone who purchases or sells duct take and/or road flares is to be immediately apprehended. A extra house-search has been added to the schedual, to round up anyone who has duct tape and/or road flares in their house or vehicle.

Some might say this is an overreaction, but whose side are you on? You're either with us, or with the drunken crazy people who want to light up road flares in your face and make you blind.

No word yet on whether we will be getting Homeland Security money to pay for the 90,000 sunglasses that have been ordered for immediate delivery, so I expect extra money on the collection plates this Sunday!

NOVEMBER 22ND:

New reports from undisclosed high-level sources indicate that Iran is planning to recruit obese and/or black women into Islam. These women will then have large lumps of body fat liposuctioned from them, and one lung removed. Then the empty space will be filled with explosives, and these "chubby bombs" will be used to infiltrate aircraft and fundraising events for republican politicians.

All men are urged to inspect all obese and/or black women for implanted explosives. Watch their buttocks or "booty" for lack of wiggleage. Feel all fatty parts of their body for explosives. As they may use plastic explosives, which are soft, you will have to be forcefull.

Women with large fatty areas who wish to attend republican fundraisers are asked to arrive at least one hour early, due to inspection-related delays.

November 21st:

Landover Security, during a routine warrantless search of brown people's homes, uncovered this piece of chilling evidence:

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/im...od-Posters.jpg

As you can clearly see, this is a terrorist training manual. It is designed to recruit white children into Islam (Note the Hijab, or veil). As you can also see, the plan is to have these brainwashed children plant landmines in parks and on hiking trails.

All parks and trails have been closed as a result. If you see someone in a park or on a path, you are to shoot them on sight.

Undeclared Freshman 11-21-2007 04:37 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Little Red Riding Hood is not a terrorist training manual. It was written about 150 years ago.


Don't shoot any innocent children please.

eliot mayfield 11-21-2007 04:54 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
It is not only Islamic, it is a commie propoganda piece!
The commies persicuted by the evil west (big bad wolf) the whole story reeks soviet lies!

Pastor Isaac Peters 11-21-2007 05:01 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Undeclared Freshman (Post 110192)
Little Red Riding Hood is not a terrorist training manual. It was written about 150 years ago.

That's what they said about On the Origin of Species, too, isn't it?

Quote:

Don't shoot any innocent children please.
We're not talking about innocent children. Try to keep up, okay?

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 11-22-2007 09:35 AM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
NOVEMBER 22ND:

New reports from undisclosed high-level sources indicate that Iran is planning to recruit obese and/or black women into Islam. These women will then have large lumps of body fat liposuctioned from them, and one lung removed. Then the empty space will be filled with explosives, and these "chubby bombs" will be used to infiltrate aircraft and fundraising events for republican politicians.

All men are urged to inspect all obese and/or black women for implanted explosives. Watch their buttocks or "booty" for lack of wiggleage. Feel all fatty parts of their body for explosives. As they may use plastic explosives, which are soft, you will have to be forcefull.

Women with large fatty areas who wish to attend republican fundraisers are asked to arrive at least one hour early, due to inspection-related delays.

Talitha 11-22-2007 09:46 AM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
1 Attachment(s)
OK.
After making forcible entry into every Foreigners house within a 20 Mile Radius of Freehold,
all copies of said book:

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/im...od-Posters.jpg Have been confiscated and replaced with: Attachment 2969

Far more appropriate don't you think?

PRAISE JESUS FOR HIS HOLY GUIDANCE :jesus:

Mrs. Mary Whitford 11-23-2007 03:28 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Talitha (Post 110382)
OK.
Have been confiscated and replaced with: Attachment 2969

Far more appropriate don't you think?

Note the filthy furry in the background, leering at the young girl. Yes, it's a small factual error, as furries tend to prefer young boys, but it gets the point across that if you ask to be raped, all manner of perverts will then think they can have their way with you.

Deaner 11-23-2007 05:33 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria (Post 110623)
but it gets the point across that if you ask to be raped, all manner of perverts will then think they can have their way with you.

http://img125.imageshack.us/img125/6...irdrapehp6.jpg


It looks like she knows what's coming. I bet a hundred dollars she's reaching into her pocket for condoms and jelly lube.

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 11-30-2007 11:20 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Okay, I trust all of you are keeping up-to-date with the recent 9-11-all-over-again in New Hampshire. Yes, once again a drunken man has duct-taped roadflares to his chest and is threatening to do something rash - perhaps using the flares to blind someone (those things are bright, you know).

Anyone who purchases or sells duct take and/or road flares is to be immediately apprehended. A extra house-search has been added to the schedual, to round up anyone who has duct tape and/or road flares in their house or vehicle.

Some might say this is an overreaction, but whose side are you on? You're either with us, or with the drunken crazy people who want to light up road flares in your face and make you blind.

No word yet on whether we will be getting Homeland Security money to pay for the 90,000 sunglasses that have been ordered for immediate delivery, so I expect extra money on the collection plates this Sunday!

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 12-13-2007 11:25 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
December 13th:

Al Queda has recruited recent college graduates to go to sperm-donor clinics, smuggling in vials of Saddam Hussien's preserved sperm, so that they can pass off Saddam's sperm as their own.

The plan is that 9 months from now, there will be an economy-shattering mass panic as Saddam's sons and daughters start being born all over America.

Of course, True Christians do not engage in the baby-murdering practise of artificial insemination, but I'm still posting this just as a general heads-up.

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 03-07-2008 04:11 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
March 7th:

Quote:

Police and the military are currently investigating a "small explosion" in Times Square, in midtown New York City. The investigation focuses around reports of a hole in the window of a military recruitment office in the center of the Square.

Reports suggest that the device was a "small bomb or incendiary device"
Our backs are against the wall, people. Be vigilent for small bombs or incendiary devices - failure is not an option!

It seems that the Times Square recruiting office was lax in its security: if they had duct-taped x's on the windows, there would only be cracks, not a hole. No doubt it was an Al-Queda member who prevented the duct-tape defenses from being prepared.

The Landover Security detail is doing an immediate check to make sure that all windows are duct-taped and that every building has a reserve stash of duct-tape. If you find someone who does not have their duct-tape defenses prepared, make a citizen's arrest and prepare them for waterboarding so that we can find the other members of their Al-Queda cell.

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/...84.1.650,0.jpg

Dr. Laurie PHD 03-08-2008 12:56 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond (Post 156107)

I have a cracked-window incident to report. Around noon yesterday my bay-window became ground zero in the Global War on Terror, leaving several visible cracks. Outside I found a mexican kid who claimed to be "sorry" and "playing baseball". I put his baseball bat to good use and the security detail took care of the rest.

I'm still a bit tramatized by my close encounter with terror.

Mrs. Mary Whitford 03-08-2008 05:49 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Laurie PHD (Post 156466)
I have a cracked-window incident to report. Around noon yesterday my bay-window became ground zero in the Global War on Terror, leaving several visible cracks. Outside I found a mexican kid who claimed to be "sorry" and "playing baseball". I put his baseball bat to good use and the security detail took care of the rest.

I'm still a bit tramatized by my close encounter with terror.

Oh, Laurie, I'm sorry to hear that! Hopefully that little Mexican't enjoys his stay at Guantanamo. But are you sure he was a child and not a midget? Terrorists love to use midgets to catch unwary Americans off-guard. But then, they also love to strap bombs to children and send them in too, so I guess it doesn't make a difference, does it?

Justina Thyme 03-08-2008 09:33 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Dr. Laurie, did any of your surveillance cams happen to catch the little wetback kid who did this? Granted, they all look alike, but sometimes you can tell which is which by their markings.

I cannot stress enough how much we here should pay attention to Brother Jeb's sound advice. It would be a great comfort to me to know that big, strong, Brother Jeb were up and ready to lead my slim, helpless, feminine self to a well-concealed place of safety with him. Praise!

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 05-26-2008 02:10 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Job Opening:

Mole

Job Description:

Infiltrate terrorist potlucks, terrorist church groups, and terrorist bicycle rides. "Make aggressive moves", cause enough mayhem so that we can arrest everyone.

Requirements:

Must be friendly, personable, able to remember password if you get accidentally arrested.

Pay:

Undetermined amount, if you get someone arrested.

Contact:

FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force

Details:

http://articles.citypages.com/2008-0.../moles-wanted/

“She told me that I had the perfect ‘look,’” recalls Carroll. “And that I had the perfect personality—they kept saying I was friendly and personable—for what they were looking for.”

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant—someone to show up at “vegan potlucks” throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protestors, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force...

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

“I’ll pass,” said Carroll.:(

For 10 more minutes, Mazzola and Swanson tried to sway him. He remained obstinate.:angry:

“Well, if you change your mind, call this number,” said Mazzola, handing him her card with her cell phone number scribbled on the back.

(Mazzola, Swanson, and the FBI did not return numerous calls seeking comment.)

Carroll’s story echoes a familiar theme. During the lead-up the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York City, the NYPD’s Intelligence Division infiltrated and spied on protest groups across the country, as well as in Canada and Europe. The program’s scope extended to explicitly nonviolent groups, including street theater troupes and church organizations.:thumbsup:

There were also two reported instances of police officers, dressed as protestors, purposefully instigating clashes. At the 2004 Republican National Convention, the NYPD orchestrated a fake arrest to incite protestors. When a blond man was “arrested,” nearby protestors began shouting, “Let him go!” The helmeted police proceeded to push back against the crowd with batons and arrested at least two. In a similar instance, during an April 29, 2005, Critical Mass bike ride in New York, video footage captured a “protestor”—in reality an undercover cop—telling his captor, “I’m on the job,” and being subsequently let go.

Minneapolis’s own recent Critical Mass skirmish was allegedly initiated by two unidentified stragglers in hoods—one wearing a handkerchief over his or her face—who “began to make aggressive moves” near the back of the pack. During that humid August 31 evening, officers went on to arrest 19 cyclists while unleashing pepper spray into the faces of bystanders. The hooded duo was never apprehended.

In the scuffle’s wake, conspiracy theories swirled that the unprecedented surveillance—squad cars from multiple agencies and a helicopter hovering overhead—was due to the presence of RNC protesters in the ride. The MPD publicly denied this. But during the trial of cyclist Gus Ganley, MPD Sgt. David Stichter testified that a task force had been created to monitor the August 31 ride and that the department knew that members of an RNC protest group would be along for the ride.

“This is all part of a larger government effort to quell political dissent,” says Jordan Kushner, an attorney who represented Ganley and other Critical Mass arrestees. “The Joint Terrorism Task Force is another example of using the buzzword ‘terrorism’ as a basis to clamp down on people’s freedoms and push forward a more authoritarian government.”:thumbsup:

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 06-05-2008 11:18 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
GOD has warned Pat Robertson that a major terrorist attack is coming this year!


Pastor Ezekiel 06-05-2008 11:34 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond (Post 197947)
GOD has warned Pat Robertson that a major terrorist attack is coming this year!


Yeah, God told me the same thing a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I forgot to mention it here. I guess there's still time....;)

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 08-26-2008 08:45 AM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
ALERT! TERRORISTS ARE EVERYWHERE! There are 8 year old terrorists, terrorist attorney generals, and even terrorist pilots who are allowed to bring guns onto their planes!

Worst of all, they have recieved sophisticated training in advanced infiltration tactics such as replacing their first name with an initial, or going by their middle name.

THERE ARE ONE MILLION TERRORISTS AMONG US AND THEY KNOW HOW TO USE INITIALS!:fear2:

SAN FRANCISCO, California (CNN) -- James Robinson is a retired Air National Guard brigadier general and a commercial pilot for a major airline who flies passenger planes around the country.

He has even been certified by the Transportation Security Administration to carry a weapon into the cockpit as part of the government's defense program should a terrorist try to commandeer a plane.

But there's one problem: James Robinson, the pilot, has difficulty even getting to his plane because his name is on the government's terrorist "watch list.":fear2:

....more than 1 million names have been added to the watch list since the September 11 attacks....

Besides the airline pilot, there's the James Robinson who served as U.S. attorney in Detroit, Michigan, and as an assistant attorney general in the Clinton administration; and James Robinson of California, who loves tennis, swimming and flying to the East Coast to see his grandmother.

He's 8.

The third-grader has been on the watch list since he was 5 years old. Asked whether he is a terrorist, he said, "I don't know."

...
Denise Robinson says she tells the skycaps her son is on the list, tips heavily and is given boarding passes. And booking her son as "J. Pierce Robinson" also has let the family bypass the watch list hassle.

Capt. James Robinson said he has learned that "Jim Robinson" and "J.K. Robinson" are not on the list.

And Griffin has tested its effectiveness. When he runs his first and middle name together when making a reservation online, he has no problem checking in at the airport.:fear2:

Jeb Stuart Thurmond 10-09-2008 09:47 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
October 9th:

We've known it all along - now a high-ranking general confirms it - phone sex is a threat to American security!

US Soldier's 'Phone Sex' Intercepted, Shared

Faulk says he and others in his section of the NSA facility at Fort Gordon routinely shared salacious or tantalizing phone calls that had been intercepted, alerting office mates to certain time codes of "cuts" that were available on each operator's computer.


"Hey, check this out," Faulk says he would be told, "there's good phone sex or there's some pillow talk, pull up this call, it's really funny, go check it out. It would be some colonel making pillow talk and we would say, 'Wow, this was crazy'," Faulk told ABC News.

In testimony before Congress, then-NSA director Gen. Michael Hayden, now director of the CIA, said private conversations of Americans are not intercepted.


"It's not for the heck of it. We are narrowly focused and drilled on protecting the nation against al Qaeda and those organizations who are affiliated with it," Gen. Hayden testified.

As a long-time studier of the evils of Big Phone Sex, I have no doubt that all those weird moans are actually coded messages from Al Queda. I'm sure with enough studying, we'll be able to find out what those codes mean. For example "wrong hole, daddy!" means "target golf and country clubs" and "No! Stop! Harder!" means "attack atargets of opportunity". Of course I'll need to do more research to confirm this.

And it's not just the phone sex industry in bed with Al Queda - so is the Red Cross and Doctors without Borders!

NSA awarded Adrienne Kinne a NSA Joint Service Achievement Medal in 2003 at the same time she says she was listening to hundreds of private conversations between Americans, including many from the International Red Cross and Doctors without Borders.


"We knew they were working for these aid organizations," Kinne told ABC News. "They were identified in our systems as 'belongs to the International Red Cross' and all these other organizations. And yet, instead of blocking these phone numbers we continued to collect on them," she told ABC News.


Jeb Stuart Thurmond 11-08-2008 07:08 PM

Re: HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE! CHECK DAILY!
 
PROOF that Haloween, science, and university students are linked to terrorism:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...rror-laws.html

Students in 'Weird Science' Halloween party arrested under anti-terror laws

Caretaker of the property, Richard Watson, 29, was arrested under The Anti-Terrorism Act and questioned while the entire area was evacuated and roads cordoned off with police tape.

He said: 'I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police van for over an hour while the bomb squad and drugs team came down.

'There was a ridiculous amount of police there. Every time I looked out of the van I could see a new group of them swarming around.'

Three fire engines and three ambulances were also called to the scene as Mr Watson was searched and interrogated...

Shanara Begum, 26, a spokesperson for Hackney Police said: 'A raid was conducted on the property and some paraphernalia was found. The London fire brigade and expo teams were also called to the scene.

'The expo teams deal with bomb threats and explosives but the scene was later declared non-suspicious and the case was handed over to Tower Hamlets our neighbouring borough.'


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