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-   -   "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa (https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=111825)

Elijah Mee, PhD 02-12-2017 03:11 AM

"eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
As my wife and I were busy performing the procreative deed, I was channel-hopping as usual and I happened to come across something that scared me half to death.

I was perusing the sports section, as I often do, in search of some manly activity to enjoy and, well, my wife's bobbing head must have obscured my vision because I ended up on channel 219 (the very last sports channel on our cable network).

It was some kind of motorsport. I'm usually more of a wrestling man myself because I find it gets the job done quicker (the job is my wife ;)) but I thought I'd see what was going on. I'd never seen anything like it before. It was a two-car race between a Subaru Impreza and a Ferrari Enzo. Now, this seemed a little bit odd to me. Men, you'll already know what I'm talking about. Women, this is what a car looks like:

http://blog.caranddriver.com/wp-cont...W-2-series.jpg

And, women, these two particular aforementioned automobiles are hilariously mismatched:

http://o.aolcdn.com/dims-global/dims...tion-001-2.jpg

http://images.honestjohn.co.uk/image...X~2006~(2).jpg

Notice how one is black and one is blue and also notice how they look not the same.

Okay, now I've brought the women up to speed (puns, eh, men? :thumbsup:), I can carry on with the story.

I thought this oddly mismatched race must've been some kind of exhibition event for charity or something. I didn't recognise the course but it looked to be a proper F1 track they were using. An F1 course featuring a Ferrari and a Subaru? Needless to say, I was somewhat intrigued. So I watched for a while.

The Subaru was cornering nicely and had the kind of handling one would expect from a veteran rally car manufacturer. The Enzo was, expectedly, an absolute beast. As both cars emerged from a set of bends and hairpins with nary a half-second to divide them, they moved out onto the final stretch. The Subaru had been trailing the whole time - but only just, I might add - but on the final straight, the Subaru outpaced and eventually overtook the Ferrari! Both cars seemed to be gunning it for all they were worth and the Impreza did the Enzo for pace over 200m on an outside line! This had to be a staged event for some kind of charitable cause or comedy thing, I thought to myself.

Immediately after both cars passed the finishing line, the filming cut away to one of the drivers and what I saw made my, uh, how do I say this delicately? I dropped out of the mission with my wife, I could no longer point in the opposite direction of Mecca (which has long been a tradition in my household), my chores list for the day went uncompleted.. You get the idea.

Here's what I saw:

http://i.imgur.com/zfbuA2I.jpg


I was expecting, at the very least, a manly, muscular man dressed in suave, tight-fitting safety gear. But this skinny little fag with his sandals and infertility jeans wasn't even driving a car! He was sitting in a chair consuming potato chips and pretending to drive the whole time! He was playing a video game called "Forza Automobile Racing Formula 1 Fastest Lap Challenge Final 2017". I tell you, this kid wouldn't survive a minute on a wrestling show because I would flip the channel rather than watch this nubile, twig-like skeleton roll around on the floor with another man. (If you can call this one a man..)

In a fit of rage, I wrote to the network responsible (which I refuse to name out of principle) and received a reply this morning informing me that what I had suffered was known as "esports" or "electronic sports". In other words, "esports" is the practice of being a sofa vegetable and calling it a sport. Horrified by my discovery, I hopped over to the Google and searched for corroborating evidence to confirm that this wasn't just an elaborate hoax.

To my dismay, it was not. This "esports" thing is "real". Every year, thousands of sub-humans "compete" in "professional" "tournaments" to determine who is the "best" at video games. Sometimes these "tournaments" have huge prize funds. Half a million dollars for playing a game called "LoL"? I have one thing to say to that: LOL.

Google Imagery is full of pictures of these God-mocking pre-op psuedo-men gathering at festivals of sin to celebrate "gaming", which is apparently now a viable career choice!

Just look at some of this stuff (WARNING: IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR FEMALE, TURN AWAY NOW):















http://res.cloudinary.com/nerd-appro...rts_hqdzvn.jpg

http://imagescdn.tweaktown.com/conte...nal-sports.jpg
(Oh yes, this looks to be a real clash of the titans. I wonder who'll need their inhaler first?)



http://blogs-images.forbes.com/johng...-lan-la-21.jpg
(I am shocked and saddened to see a manly drink company with two manly beasts clashing horns adorning its logo sponsoring these testosterone-deprived wimps and will certainly be boycotting Red Bull from now on)



http://image.stern.de/6529816/16x9-9...of-legends.png
(You look at the crowd and you think maybe you're at a boxing ring and then... well, I really have no words to describe this)




This is what the modern day "sports" champion looks like:
http://imagescdn.tweaktown.com/conte...nal-sports.jpg

This fatty, stumpy gook doesn't even look like he could open that champagne bottle without assistance from his registered carer!


They have tournaments for every kind of sin you could imagine including many of the murder simulators discussed on this very forum. Shooting, fighting and witchcraft are all now encouraged -- but only if you're sitting in a chair!

Worse, they've taken real sports and created computerised versions of them so you can pretend to play real sports while having the motor skills of a downspergers stroke victim. Not only can you piddle on poor Baby Jesus, you can now piddle on real sports too. Or, if you've got a full bladder, you can piddle on sports by pretending to play sports that God hates! Like soccer, which I'm given to understand is going to have some kind of "world" "championship" "final". I hope you will join me in praying for an electrical fire at the "FIFA 2017 Ultimate Futball Team World Championships" next week.

The global feminist conspiracy backed by slants and slit-eyes to emasculate and feminise our men is well and truly working. These little dorks don't know the meaning of Vitamin D or exercise or going outside or NOT USING THE COMPUTER UNTIL YOUR EYES TURN SQUARE. But, most importantly, they don't know the meaning of sports. I won't get all nostalgic on you about how, back in my day, the jocks used to throw a football around and even the nerds used to play about with a soccer ball. All I know is that the times are changing and the Rapture™ can't come soon enough.

Mark my words, God will not stand idly by while we castrate ourselves en masse. These pasty, frail eunuchs abuse the LORD as they abuse their own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Let us heed the lessons taught in Malachi (Malachi 2:17) and trust in the LORD to end this insanity. I await a glorious flood or fireball or hurricane or natural disaster miracle of His choice any day now. I'm ready, God! Shout Glory!

Elijah Mee, PhD 03-11-2017 12:19 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
On further investigation, I discovered that a yearly tournament for a game called "DOTA" (which sounds, uh, absolutely thrilling) has a prize pool of over $20 million!

$20,000,000!

That's more than a tennis player would earn for winning all 4 Grand Slams in a year!

These psuedo-sports are apparently worth more money than real sports. Honestly, I weep for humanity. Just take me now, Lord.

lmaoxd 03-17-2017 12:18 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Well, if it's their career choice, then they can do that.

Alvin Moss 03-17-2017 12:49 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lmaoxd (Post 1206892)
Well, if it's their career choice, then they can do that.


That is deep, penetrating and timely, but before we talk philosophy, why don't you follow the directions and give us a proper introduction over on the introduction forum.

Dotty too 03-25-2017 11:04 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
I'm just surprised that used Usian Bolt as an example of a sports legendI thought you would hate him

Didymus Much 03-25-2017 11:07 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EvenMoreDottyThanTheLastTime (Post 1207907)
I'm just surprised that used Usian Bolt as an example of a sports legendI thought you would hate him

Why?

Dotty too 03-25-2017 11:10 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Didymus Much (Post 1207909)
Why?

Eh, never mind


Just a random thought of mine

Brother Gonzalez 03-26-2017 12:36 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dotty too (Post 1207910)
Eh, never mind


Just a random thought of mine

When I signed here, it was to read about the Bible, and not random thoughts of some random idiot.
At least quote a random Bible verse so there is something useful in your post.

Elijah Mee, PhD 03-21-2018 06:13 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dotty too (Post 1207907)
I'm just surprised that used Usian Bolt as an example of a sports legendI thought you would hate him

He may be a negro but he sure is good at chasing chicken.

Arnie Flenderson 03-24-2018 08:14 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lmaoxd (Post 1206892)
Well, if it's their career choice, then they can do that.

Men should be out hunting animals to extinction, driving big-rigs, and brawling in bars- all in the name of the Lord our God. It is their natural state! It is unnatural for our kind to sit down for hours on end with a computer mouse in hand, and what is unnatural is comparable to sodomy. These vile "sports" are simply tools of Satan to tempt the youthful soldiers of God, and they should be banned. I pray that all those skinny little snake-eyed fags that are hunched over their monitor playing the latest "Portals III" or "CZ:NO" will contract Ebola through their unnatural ways.

Bubba Buck 03-24-2018 08:45 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
I get conflicted when it comes to certain video games. Intense shoot em ups that show the US overthrowing towelhead regimes just so happens to coincide with some of my conservative values. On the other hand I would never condone blasphemy that says squids will paint off the earth. Sounds like true spaghettihead fairytales to be honest.

Elijah Mee, PhD 11-25-2018 11:47 PM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bubba Buck (Post 1229892)
I get conflicted when it comes to certain video games. Intense shoot em ups that show the US overthrowing towelhead regimes just so happens to coincide with some of my conservative values. On the other hand I would never condone blasphemy that says squids will paint off the earth. Sounds like true spaghettihead fairytales to be honest.

Don't concern yourself, brother. There's nothing wrong with spending a few hard-earned hours shooting rags off of ragheads' heads in a virtual world.

The Bible doesn't forbid the indulgence of video games, except in the excessive, sloth-like manner of these "e-sporticians". On the other hand, the Bible does encourage the execution of desert idolaters (Leviticus 24:16). And in a world that persecutes Christians, in which we cannot carry out the Lord's commands, sometimes it's healthy for a man to exhaust his natural desire to enact God's will in the harmless context of a video game.

Plenty of games involve the conquest of strange and sinful lands by righteous white Christian armies. These would be positive examples of the video game medium. The problem is that there are so many negative examples that it can often seem as though we're opposed to video games entirely. We're not. We just want the "Id" out of "video" and the "gay" out of "games".

In fact, several of our most talented programmers and artists are working on their own game called "Deus Vult: A True Christian Crusades Adventure for Kids". From what I've seen so far, little boys are going to grow up loving DV.

Basilissa 03-30-2020 12:49 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Now I'm inclined to believe that the CoronaHoax was invented by these videogaming lazy bums:

Quote:

For sports fans who've gone nearly two weeks without any live events, Fox Sports 1 offered an attractive alternative to Sunday's postponed NASCAR Cup Series race at Homestead-Miami Speedway.
But instead of actual cars trading paint in close quarters around the 1.5-mile oval, the drivers — including Dale Earnhardt Jr., Denny Hamlin, Kurt and Kyle Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Clint Bowyer, Alex Bowman and Joey Logano — practiced proper social distancing as they competed from their own home video consoles in a virtual 100-lap race.

Elijah Mee, PhD 03-30-2020 01:05 AM

Re: "eSports": Become Usian Bolt without leaving your sofa
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Basilissa (Post 1266648)
Now I'm inclined to believe that the CoronaHoax was invented by these videogaming lazy bums:

If those nerds can program a computer virus, I'm sure they can program a coronavirus. Nothing surprises me about heathens anymore. :angry::thumbdown::wacko:

Anyway, another weird thing that's happening is that you can now attend satanic music concerts through your computer too. I swear it's like they've invented teleportation. But for some reason it only works above a certain weight limit.

Like any real American, I enjoy NASCAR crashes but if it's all virtual, how is anyone going to get hurt? My Lord didn't bleed on a stick so that slovenly sinners could stay at home and not bleed.


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