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-   -   Antique Battle-Axe For Sale (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=97521)

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 09:31 PM

Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4KrkeX1T_Y...n+pictures.jpg

The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.

Cranky Old Man 03-06-2014 09:41 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.

Mother Of Seven 03-06-2014 10:14 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071200)
grow her own foot

Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 10:21 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071200)
The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.

I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them, on account of the fell odor wafting from her long-wilted birth-hole. Her arthritis makes it impossible for her to scrub out the demons of uncleanliness, and even my wife is loath to do it for her. We hung a pine scented air freshener around her neck, which helps a bit. I will throw that in on the deal, and reduce her price to $2.50.

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 10:34 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven (Post 1071205)
Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!

The foot was removed by me in accordance with Mark 9:45, a few years back. She tripped over a copy of the KJV Bible that she had carelessly left on the floor, provoking my righteous fury. I amputated the offending foot before Christ could cast her into eternal flame, since back then I still had hopes that she would die any day now, and mightn't have time to repent properly...yet she lingers on...

I gave her an iron-boot from my inquisition chamber, but she refuses to wear it. I'll throw that in, too. Maybe someone else will have better luck persuading her.

Cranky Old Man 03-06-2014 11:43 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071206)
I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them

That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 12:00 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071213)
That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?

She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 12:07 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071221)
She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?

$.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 12:35 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071223)
$.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?

There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20 sound, and I pay the freight charges?

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 01:48 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071232)
There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20 sound, and I pay the freight charges?

I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20 we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 07:56 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071346)
I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20 we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.

Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Attila's Wife 03-07-2014 08:32 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071389)
If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right? :o

YiC
AW

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 09:44 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Attila's Wife (Post 1071392)
Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right? :o

YiC
AW

I should have put that part in fine print...:(

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 11:26 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071389)
Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Excellent, I will let you know when the package arrives. My grandson is looking forward to his surprise already. I am certain he doesn't expect we will celebrate his 10th birthday already even though he is only 8. My memory is not what it used to be so I forgot what I needed the old lady for. But I am sure it will come back to me.

John Creeser 03-07-2014 11:54 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
She looks all skin and bones, I doubt you could make a decent soap out of her.:thumbdown:

Cranky Old Man 03-08-2014 10:23 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
I got a call from the shipping people. Apparently the package will be delayed. I think the reason was bad smell, but the Indian call center slut was very hard to understand, so it could be anything. Did you include enough water in the crate for you mother-in-law to survive an extra day?

Cranky Old Man 03-08-2014 10:27 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
I got another call from the hellbound Indian call center whore. Apparently the crate started making noise, so clearly your mother-in-law is still in great shape. I explained to the Indian call center harlot why she will burn in Hell for all eternity and then she hung up, but I am certain the crate will arrive real soon now. My grandson was crying a bit since we had to postpone his birthday but after a firm beating he recognized the wrong of his ways.

Cranky Old Man 03-09-2014 11:39 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

Witch Hammer 03-10-2014 07:56 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071921)
The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

I shipped her economy, which didn't come with tracking or insurance...I hope I addressed the crate correctly. If she gets shipped back to me, I can assure you she will be dealt with severely for having delayed your grandchild's party, and for causing you to have to exert yourself upon the whelp...I still have hope that she will arrive eventually, though.

Cranky Old Man 03-10-2014 09:15 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The crate finally arrived. Unfortunately she ate what was left over from the cake and she even ate the candles. I gave her a severe beating for that and ordered her to make new candles and to use the wood of the crate to build her living quarters. As soon as she makes new candles, we can finally have that birthday. She smells horrible by the way, I hope that is temporary.

Cranky Old Man 03-11-2014 10:30 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The birthday was a disaster. The candles she made were horrible (she used ear wax for those) and when the festivities required her to be stoned by the children, she started throwing the stones back! I don't think anyone is going to miss the Wilson's kid, but it completely ruined my grandchild's birthday. :thumbdown:

But it gets even worse, way worse. For some reason she and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seem to like each other. Your mother-in-law now actually lives there so now I have two highly annoying women as neighbors. :fear2:

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.

Freddy Osborne 03-12-2014 01:24 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Could she be a candidate for Pastor Zeke's Raise The Dead project?

A successful trial on the half dead would boost confidence and create momentum.

Witch Hammer 03-12-2014 03:17 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1072442)

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.

Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.B)

But it sounds like the old girl has gone rogue...
Hmmm...two old women living in the same house...smacks of bulldykery to me! And they are probably practicing witchcraft as well. It seems to me that one might have probable cause to implement the mandates of Leviticus, if one could get away with it under the nose of secular law enforcement.:thumbsup:

Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.

Let me know!

Cranky Old Man 03-12-2014 08:16 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1072463)
Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.B)

I was considering to mention Romans 13:7-10 but then I realized I didn't have to pay for her. You are as shrewd as in Luke 16:1-15. I have to applaud you for that, you clearly outsmarted me. Ever considered running for congress?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1072463)
Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.

I have been trying that for years. Unfortunately as soon as I mention it's for Mrs. Johnson, everyone suddenly has other obligations ranging from emigrating to another continent to dying on the spot. I tried it myself a few times but she is always hidden somewhere making it impossible to shoot her from a distance and she seems to have an unlimited supply of annoying dogs making it impossible to come close. I shot so many of those dog that the dead dogs are the primary source of nutrition for the living dogs. I burned down her house a few times but she always find somewhere to hide while her house is being rebuild. I even tried selling her house but she keeps removing the for sale signs. I also tried getting the IRS involved but they hang up immediately when I mention my name. Apparently they still remember I accidentally shot an IRS agent a few years ago.

Witch Hammer 03-12-2014 11:09 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Aye, there be witchery afoot...and witches are a wiley lot. I think that is why torturing them after they're finally captured is so gratifying. There have been instances when I, after having recieved a full confession in record time, have started backtracking, just to prolong the inquisition. "Are you sure you're a witch? Are you really, really sure?". It usually comes full circle, and they start swearing up and down that they are not a witch again, and I must start all over....which suits me fine. Doing God's work is never boring!:innocent:

I don't know how to eradicate your problem with the old hags, other than to suggest that you sit back, relax and let Jesus do the wetwork....He'll get them in due time! Our Lord is nothing if not tenacious!:thumbsup:

Ex-Primordial Dwarf 03-12-2014 11:38 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.:wub:

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.:ph34r:

Witch Hammer 03-12-2014 11:52 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ex-Primordial Dwarf (Post 1072633)
As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.:wub:

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.:ph34r:

Be still, Dwarf! The situation is well in hand!

Even so, you are a plucky little fellow. It is almost ashame that you should be cast into the fire everlasting. It would be novel to have you in Heaven to gawk and marvel at...I'll see if I can convince Jesus during my next prayer session, but don't hold your breath!

Chewer 03-17-2014 12:58 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071198)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4KrkeX1T_Y...n+pictures.jpg

The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.

My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?

Basilissa 03-17-2014 02:19 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dipper Man (Post 1073957)
My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?

You need to ask Cranky Old Man that question. He owns her now. Based on his remarks, though, I suspect he might be open to your offer. :)

(If she's still breathing).

Unless, of course, Brother Witch Hammer has another grandmother on sale. :hmmm:

curious1 04-18-2014 12:13 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:

Alvin Moss 04-18-2014 12:18 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082540)
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:

No, it would not.

The passage you refer to addresses illegal killing. In other words, while the Lord often bids us to kill His enemies, we are not to settle personal scores with murder.

Mary Etheldreda 04-18-2014 12:18 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082540)
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:

Don't let it get you down. When the LORD calls his own home - or perhaps in the case of Witch Hammer's mother-in-law, when He decides your time to choose between Redemption and Damnation has come to an end - nothing can prevent that. She could be hit by a bus, slip on a banana peel, fall down a flight of stairs, or have an accident during a father-son game of catch-the-stone. The point is, God is Sovereign and knows when her time is up.

:)

Witch Hammer 04-18-2014 06:40 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082540)
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:

She'd been dead inside for years anyhow, when I sold her to good brother COM. Although she seems to have escaped captivity shortly after he pried open her shipping crate, I have no doubt Jesus will hunt her down and kill her when He sees fit, if He hasn't already.

Lord, but I just had a terrible vision! I just imagined the old girl, puppet dancing at the end of satan's string that she is, summoning some inner daemonic strength and slowly but surely working her way cross-country back to the Hammer Family Compound, feeding on rats and drinking from filth-strewn drainage ditches to stay alive...ever circling her way back home like some gaunt, wretched vulture.

What a nauseating thought! Well, if she turns up it won't be the first time I've set the hounds on her, but it will be the last!:innocent:

curious1 04-18-2014 07:00 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Unless God specifically says to kill her, you can't , right ? Because you didn't mention her being gay or a witch, so what basis do you have in the Bible to kill her?

Witch Hammer 04-18-2014 07:24 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082611)
Unless God specifically says to kill her, you can't , right ? Because you didn't mention her being gay or a witch, so what basis do you have in the Bible to kill her?

Well, she did have a small herb garden when she was younger. She grew some malodorous pagan things like rosemary, sage and oregano. Her husband let her slide by merely beating her severely, throwing her down a flight of stairs, and chaining her up in the crawl-space under the house for a couple months, thereby securing himself a place in hell. His mercy toward her was totally unwarranted and flew directly in the face of God's commandment on the subject. Exodus 22:18

Aside from that, I can't be responsible for what the hounds will do to her if she pops back up one day...my hands are clean!

Dr Laurence Niles 04-18-2014 07:27 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082540)
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?:confused:

Christians are not vigilantes :thumbdown:

Romans 13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
Romans 13:3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:
Romans 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil.
Romans 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake.
Romans 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God's ministers, attending continually upon this very thing.

Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work,

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:

Taking the law into our own hands would make us no better than batman. :angry:

YIC

curious1 04-18-2014 08:59 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles (Post 1082615)
Christians are not vigilantes :thumbdown:

Romans 13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
Romans 13:3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:
Romans 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil.
Romans 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake.
Romans 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God's ministers, attending continually upon this very thing.

Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work,

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:

Taking the law into our own hands would make us no better than batman. :angry:

YIC

I agree with you about not taking the law into your own hands, but why do so many people talk about using someone for target practice?

Witch Hammer 04-18-2014 08:22 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082627)
I agree with you about not taking the law into your own hands, but why do so many people talk about using someone for target practice?

If God wants the old hag to survive a gunshot wound, she will. Nothing we say or do can prevent her pre-determined fate.

Ephesians 1:11 - " In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will".

curious1 04-18-2014 08:52 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
So basically, it's okay to shoot people , because they will survive if God wants them to?

Witch Hammer 04-18-2014 09:08 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by curious1 (Post 1082735)
So basically, it's okay to shoot people , because they will survive if God wants them to?

Athiests who go around shooting people will burn in hell, not necessarily for murder, but for refusing to adore Jesus. A True Christian, on the other hand, is always dead-center in the midst of God's will and can do no wrong. Do you really think any of us would take a shot at a senile old woman unless Christ gave us the green light?


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