Sister Elizabeth Johnson?
 

Dearest Sister, my one true friend of all time,


Darling, how COULD you not contact me regarding the unfortunate and untimely passing of your dear husband? You know I would have dropped my spatula or whatever else I was holding at the time and would have helped you through that turbulent time. You simply must come visit me in Dallas where we will have the most glorious reunion and go shopping at the finest stores! I will not take no for an answer.


Are you dating?


Your gracious and kind servant of Jesus,
NRL


PS: I overnighted a signed copy of The Book of the Lamb to you! Enjoy, dearest.

Re: Sister Elizabeth Johnson?
 

Dearest Naomi!

How lovely of you to reach out! It's been a difficult time as widow, as I have been deep in my duty of raising my children without the aid of my husband, who resides in Heaven, hallelujah! I currently am under the guidance of my father (we all know that us women are to be obedient to the men in our lives), but should he give his permission, I'll gladly come out to meet you! I am currently not looking for a husband, but my father, who is wise, has recently decided it's time for me to remarry according to 1 Corinthians 7:39 which says, "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord." And thank you, dear, for the lovely cookbook! It arrived today, and it is such a gorgeous, well laid out textbook that my family will be sure to enjoy!


Yours in Christ,
Elizabeth

Re: Sister Elizabeth Johnson?
 

Whatever. Haven't you gotten over that dude yet, Liz? You had your chance and your dad took way too much time deciding on me, when it is obvious that I am a prize. Sure, it's sad how he was killed but the person that did it probably thought he was going to marry you and show you what a real man is like rather than treating you like some kid factory. He probably wanted to interject some passion into your life and show you what life can be when you wear a dress that comes a few inches above the knee and show him around California where he could meet glamorous stars and live the high life.


Um - sinful, yes - but wow the fun he could have had. But no, you had to go and listen to your old man, who could just as easily be the next victim. That's not going to happen, though, so don't worry. I think the killer has moved on to other things. Perhaps even other genders. (I am merely speculating here)


Well, have a nice Sunday, Sister. As a True Christian™ man, I would recommend a bottle of Rumchata and a gallon of vanilla bean ice cream while watching reruns of Sex and the City.


In Christian Love and Virtuous Regard,
BrotherLarry