Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
What Would Jesus Do With Dr. Laurie
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The answer they've never given me, is, exactly what body-part are they supposed to be eating, anyway? It's too small in diameter to be a slice of his thumb, too big to be a slice of his wrist, and there's no bone. No, there's only one boneless, sliceable body-part it could be, but I won't go there. Read for yourself what the Bible says about the Last Supper: (Mt. 26:17-30, Mk. 14:12-26, Lk. 22:7-39 and Jn. 13:1-17:26). He even said it four times (Jesus tended to say everything four times with different wording, just to be certain everybody could understand) Is there anyplace in that scripture where the almighty :lord-fancy: claims that he wanted to see future generations treat him as some kind of gingerbread man? Quote:
So, which body part of Christ is the gluten-free one? Is it his left buttock that's made of rice, or the right? Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), United Methodist, Christian Reformed, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches/covens believe this. Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free! However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet. I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals. My advice to you is to quit whining about your "Coeliac disease" and suck it up. God sends plagues, to punish us when we're bad, and to test our faith when we're good. (Exodus 9:9-11 Num 14:36-37, Num 16:41-50, 2 Samuel 24:13) He even deliberately targets the digestive tract: (1 Samuel 5:6-12) It is not our lot to try to thwart God's will. Cripples should graciously submit to the plagues that God has smitten them with. "Who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" -- Exodus 4:11 The Bible specifically says that cripples, defined as anyone with ANY blemish, are not to approach the altar at Church: "Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;... Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries." -- Leviticus 21:17-23 Don't worry, you'll still be a allowed at the back of the church. You might want to bring binoculars, and avoid bringing any valuables that the coloreds might steal. In my day people knew how to suffer in silence, without demanding special privileges, or trying to rewrite history by implying that Jesus also served gluten-free bread at the Last Supper. What's next, a claim that the loaves and fishes miracle involved only fish labeled dolphin-free? That the Three Wise Men brought "conflict-free" gold and "hypoallergenic" incense and "fair trade" myrrh? Suck it up, cripple. Stop whining and start winning! Ps. It's spelled P.H.D. |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
I was diagnosed as a coeliac when I was 18 months old and only weighed 12 lbs and was too weak to even sit up. I was on my death bed. They wouldn't even admit me to hospital because they said I'd fret, and I had no energy to fret. If I fretted, I'd die. I looked like a starving Biafran baby - all belly, and no flesh on my limbs. Once diagnosed, I started gaining weight. I must have been a very sinful baby. But once I found God, I lost my gluten intolerance! I now eat totally normally - I eat wheat bread, pies (lots of pies), everything (but not shrimps).
GLORY!! |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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Sorry, I couldn't resist. :lol: Don't you shop at the UranusCo company store? I heard that long ago they replaced wheat products with cheaper alternatives. Last I heard nerve gas manufacturing byproducts are gluten-free. |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
Hey wait, so Dr. Laurie says the Eucharist/communion thing is nonsense, but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real:
Host-Nailing Epidemic hits LA, NYC, DC Not that I'm trying to start a fight between you two or anything… Oh, who am I kidding. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! :popcorn: http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2013...84807015-0.gif:popcorn: |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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My children and I hand out these bags on the steps of Catholic churches when the sheeple come out of their Mass. It's a guaranteed conversation starter. http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/or...513909a21c.jpg |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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The fight I want to see is between the churches that drink alcoholic communion wine and the Mormon grape-juice communionists. Get your act together guys: what part of Jesus' body contains the real wine, and what part contained the grape juice? If He bleeds from a certain point will grape Kool-ade come out, and Grape Crush from another? :wacko: Oh no, don't stress out on this, it's not like messing this stuff up with result in you losing eternal bliss and being sent into eternal damnation. :sarcasm: Oh. Wait. IT DOES! |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
Gluten-free food is a fraud. On the glycemic index gluten-free alternatives are slightly below injecting jet fuel into your eyeballs.
Not that I'm into that vampire stuff in the first place. The only blood I'm into is on the 5th moon of XzyXzzxork 8, tell the bartender you want a "5-dimentional anime nosebleed". It comes complete with handy little cocktail umbrellas (the planet has very small rainclouds). Strong stuff though, you get a vanilla-extract-hangover BEFORE you drink it. |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
I'm talking about being washed in the blood of the lamb, friend.
Both your animal and your bodily fluid are incorrect. |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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Surely the benefits overlap at some point, right? Is such extreme precision really necessary? |
Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
Gluten free is for gays, whores, sinners and foreigners. Read your Bible. Mark 16:18.
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Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?
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