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-   -   Poems about the Gospels (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19311)

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 01:24 AM

Poems about the Gospels
 
Jesus came to fulfill EVERYTHING in the Old Testament
He spoke in parables to make sure people went to hell!
Jesus was so wonderful, he even had two lineages
And even though the people He grew up with did not believe
He can still send evil spirits into pigs!
Jesus will destroy your unbelievers, even worst than Sodom and Gomorrah!
He'll destroy all the people He made sure would never know the truth!
God made sure he blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts, if He hadn't they would have believed!
And afterwards God will punish them for eternity, since they didn't believe!
God will reward you if you leave your wife and families to follow Him!
Thank God only the foolish and ignorant listen to Him!
Never those people with whom He grew up with!
If you believe and are baptised, you won't be damned for all time!
You have to hate your entire family, and yourself!
Jesus will give you a big reward when you abandon your children!
Whatever men like, you can be sure God hates!
And then the Jews killed Him, and we can blame all their descendants for that crime!
So as Jesus taught, slay all those who do not obey God!
Everyone will hate us, and kill us, but we'll never be harmed!
And he'll return, before this generation passes away!

Pastor Billy-Reuben 01-27-2009 01:48 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
:yahoo:

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 02:26 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based on Job

Satan walks up and down the earth, before going to the meeting in Heaven
God lets Satan punish the best person, and leaves all the sinners be!
To punish Job, God kills all of his children!
And every square inch of his body is covered with boils!
But Job won't curse God, because he knows if he did, he'd die instantaneously!
Instead he curses the day he was born
And accuses God of cursing Him for no reason!
God will laugh at the trial of the innocent!
Amen!

Pastor Ezekiel 01-27-2009 02:27 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
AMEN!! The Holy Ghost is strong in you today!!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:01 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Proverbs

Write truth upon thine heart!
Always have fun with your wife's breasts!
Make love with her all night long!
If you make a problem in your house, you'll inherit nothing.
Only the simple believe EVERY word
And a soft answer turneth away wrath.
Gray hair is glorious!
Don't take pleasure in your enemies falling!
Don't seek revenge!
Don't boast about yourself!
Give lots of alcohol to poor people, so they'll forget their problems!

God laughs at your misfortunes, mocks your fears, and ignores your cries for help!
Watch out for those strange, brawling, angry, contentious, adulterous, odious women!
Foolish women drag innocent men into hell!
Beautiful women without discretion are like pigs with jewelery!
Beat your children!
The bruises and scrapes will take away the evil!
The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous!
Don't give your slaves lectures! Beat them as if they're your own!
If you do not respect your parents, birds will eat your eyes!
Amen!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:09 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Esther

Queen Vashti did not want to get naked in front of her husband's friends
So he stripped her of the crown!
The King made sure all wives were obedient!
All the beautiful virgins were brought before the King, one to be the new Queen!
And Esther won!
To take away her feminine dirt, for twelve months she is purified!
She gets two men executed!
And the Hamam and his ten sons, too!
Amen!

Ahimaaz Smith 01-27-2009 04:21 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
That's about the most beautiful poem about Queen Vashti that I've ever read. :thumbsup:

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:00 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Ecclesiastes

Death is final!
Since there is no afterlife, enjoy yourself now!
The best things to do are to eat, drink, and be merry!
Do these things happily, because God accepts them!
Do what you feel, and go after that which you desire!
Amen!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:15 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Nehemiah

The children of Arah, six hundred fifty and two.
The children of Pahathmoab, of the children of Jeshua and Joab, two thousand and eight hundred and eighteen.
The children of Zattu, eight hundred forty and five.
The children of Binnui, six hundred forty and eight.
The children of Bebai, six hundred twenty and eight.
The children of Azgad, two thousand three hundred twenty and two.
The children of Adonikam, six hundred threescore and seven.
The children of Bigvai, two thousand threescore and seven.
The children of Adin, six hundred fifty and five.
The children of Bezai, three hundred twenty and four.
The men of Bethlehem and Netophah, an hundred fourscore and eight.
The children of Lod, Hadid, and Ono, seven hundred twenty and one.
The children of Senaah, hree thousand nine hundred and thirty.
The singers: the children of Asaph, an hundred forty and eight.
The porters: the children of Shallum, the children of Ater, the children of Talmon, the children of Akkub, the children of Hatita, the children of Shobai, an hundred thirty and eight.
Praise be to Nehemiah, for when he saw men marrying strange wives, did contend with them, curse them, kill some, and plucked out there hair!
Amen!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:22 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On The Song of Solomon

Your kisses are better than wine!
All night you will lie between my breasts!
His left hand under my head, his right hand holding me, I hope he never wakes up!
I want to have undisturbed sex with you in my mother's bedroom!
Your breasts are like twin gazelles!
When my love touched the door, my bowels were moved!
Your knees are like jewels!
Your breasts are like clusters of the vine!
My little sister is flat-chested, but my breasts are like towers!
Amen!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 03:24 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Ezra

Lots of people had lots of children!
The Israelites corrupted the Holy Seed by marrying foreigners!
Ezra was so upset, he tore his clothes, ripped out his hair, and couldn't move!
To avoid God's wrath, Ezra tells them they must abandon their wives and children!
Amen!

Heathen_Basher 01-27-2009 08:34 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Isaiah

Blessed be You, O Lord, who crack's women's skulls when they dress like whores!
You God, who uncovers their secret parts!
Call forth the flies and the bees!
Thank You Lord, for forcing every man to eat his brother and then his own flesh!
Pray God doesn't find you, or He'll thrust you through, smash your kids to pieces and rape your wife!
God, who sends a perverse Spirit amongst the foreigners, making them like drunks lying in their vomit!
Praise to God, who as a sign and wonder made Isaiah walk three years naked!
Praise to God, who commands we cast the evil away like a menstrual cloth!
Be afraid all women, be so afraid you take off your clothes!
God, fill the world with the smell of evil corpses, melt the mountains with their blood!
Soak the land with their blood, strike with your blood-filled sword!
Make them eat their own dung and drink their own piss!
Cry out Lord, cry like a woman cries!
Blessed be You, creator of all evil!
Make the people eat their flesh and get drunk on their blood!
Let Your clothes be stained with human blood!
Slay them with Your fire and sword!
Make their corpses piled high, let them rot and burn forever!
Amen!

Ezekiel Bathfire 01-27-2009 10:48 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
I like old Isaiah, he tells it like it is, a man's prophet if you will - you've captured his message there brother HB :thumbsup:

Heathen_Basher 01-28-2009 06:33 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On 2 Chronicles

Remember that glorious day, when Solomon killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep!
Remember always that day, when Abijah killed 500,000 Israelites!
Honor forever that day, when Asa killed one million Ethiopians!
Forsake not the memory of that time, when Pekah killed 120,000 infidels!

Whoever does not seek the God of Israel should be executed!
That wondrous God, who puts lies into the mouths of His prophets!
Hate God's enemies, or He'll turn His wrath on you, too!
He who killed Judah's women and children, and made their men's bowels fall out!
With God's help Amaziah killed 10,000 outright, and another 10,000 he hauled off the side of a cliff!
Fear Him, who turned Uzziah into a leper for buring incense without a license!
Obey, or He'll send kings to conquer and kill your people, showing no compassion for man or woman, young or old, healthy or sick!
Amen!

Pastor Ezekiel 01-28-2009 01:10 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
Give us one about my namesake, Ezekiel. :59:

Heathen_Basher 01-28-2009 04:46 PM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
Sure thing, Pastor. A Poem Based On Ezekiel

Ezekiel was blessed with the honor of seeing God's loins
At His command did eat a book that tasted sweet as honey!
If you are good, and God lays a stumbling block before you, and you fall from grace, God will kill you, and all your good deeds shall be forgotten!
At His command was Ezekiel to eat barley cakes made of human excrement!
God hates Ezekiel's hair, so he shaves it bald. A third he burns, a second he stabs, the rest he scatters in the wind.
God will make father eat the flesh of son, and son to eat the flesh of father!
He will send plagues, famines, and wars to us all, and if any survive, we'll be eaten by wild beasts!
The land shall be decorated with bones and corpses!
God will mark of the forehead of the men He wants to save, all the rest He shall have no pity on!
No pity shall He have on those wicked women, who sew abominable pillows!
No pity shall He have on the prophets He lied to, since they believed God's lies!
Women, don't sleep with foreigners just because they have bigger penises!
Men, stay away from menstruating women!
God Almighty polluted Israel with idols and injustice, so He could have an excuse to destroy Israel!
Let not a foreigner touch your virgin breast, ladies, for the penalty is either being paraded naked in public, taking away your children, and stabbing you with a sword - or cutting off your nose and ear, being forced to cut off your own breasts, be raped an mutilated and stoned to death!
Stay away from those donkey-sized penises, ladies!
God gets excited when he cooks human flesh and scum!
God killed Ezekiel's wife and told him not to mourn her!
God makes their loins be at stand and then cuts them off!
God makes armies out of skeletons!
By causing every man's sword to be against his brother, so the Lord magnifies Himself!
A feast shall He prepare for beast and fowl, the flesh and blood of men!
Amen!

Ezekiel Bathfire 01-29-2009 12:48 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
Heathen Basher, Robert Frost stand aside! There's a children's book here! "Baby Jesus' Bedtime Poems for the Sons and Daughters of Gentle Christian Folk."

Heathen_Basher 01-29-2009 04:28 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On Jeremiah

Here is God - You who says Judah has whore's forehead,
Judah who keeps adultery with stones and stocks!
Praise that God has greatly deceived this people!
Praise that He shall send leopards and lions to tear them to pieces!
Like horses, they go neighing after their neighbor's wife!
He shall send giant chicken-snake hybrids who gaze turns you to stone after you!
God is the source of evil!
Do not dare pray for His victims, God shall not hear your prayers!
The young men shall die in war, and the children die of starvation!
He sword shall devour everyone, no flesh shall have peace!
God will make everyone drunk, he will dash father and son together - without pity, He shall not spare; without mercy, He shall destroy them!
Like a sinful woman who deserves to be raped, so shall Jerusalem be destroyed!
EVERYONE shall die of war, starvation, and disease!
Those misled by false prophets shall die by famine and sword!
Because of the acts of a former king, every citizen shall be killed by the sword, torn by the dogs, and devoured by beast and fowl!
They shall die grievously, no body shall mourn them, never shall they be buried but left like dung on the earth!
God will kill everyone because their fathers forsook Him!
Look to Jeremiah, the saintly man who prayed for young men's death at war, and children's death by starvation!
If you even heard about the evil God plans to do your ears would tingle!
Parents shall eat their child, friends shall devour each other!
Look to Jeremiah, whom God deceived!
Both man and beast shall die at the great pestilence!
He'll make all of Israel drunk and then kill them with a sword!
The dead at the hands of God shall fill the world! Do not lament this!
If you try to escape to another land, still God shall track you down and kill you with war, famine and disease!
On the day of the Lord, His sword shall be drunk with blood!
If you do not cover your sword with blood, a curse shall fall upon you!
So we pray you make our foreign enemies drunk, that they may wallow in their vomit!
Burn to death the daughters of Rabbah, Lord!
Break them all to pieces!
Glory!

Mistress Cookie 01-29-2009 04:43 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Heathen_Basher (Post 287556)
Jesus came to fulfill EVERYTHING in the Old Testament / He spoke in parables to make sure people went to hell! / etc.

Your work is deeply stirring!

It's as if the Lord were directly channeling His mighty words through YOU, Himself, to sooth these troubled times!

Bless you, and your inspirational gift!

Heathen_Basher 01-29-2009 06:21 AM

Re: A Poem about the Gospels
 
A Poem Based On 1 Chronicles

Shame be on Uzza, who dared touch the ark, rather than let it fall to the ground. Thank you God for killing him!
Praise be to David, who tortured the citizens of the cities of Ammon with saws, harrows of iron, and axes!
Shame on David, though, for trying to take a census! Praise to God, for justly punishing this crime by killing 70,000 of His Chosen People!
Glory to God, who repented of this act afterward!
Amen!


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