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-   -   Manly Jokes (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=32726)

Pastor Ezekiel 12-13-2009 11:38 AM

Manly Jokes
 
Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.

Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common?

A: They just wouldn't listen!




Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

A: Nothing - you already told her twice!...



Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?

A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.

Brother Enoch 12-13-2009 02:52 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge

Wide-Open 12-13-2009 03:25 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Ezekiel Bathfire 12-13-2009 11:49 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
50 things women can't do

01. Know anything about a car except its color
02. Understand a film plot
03. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
04. Lift
05. Throw
06. Run
07. Park
08. Fart
09. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a pizza whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on a strangerís clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb
42. Set a DVD recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a wallet that fits in their pocket
49. Choose any clothes quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

James Hutchins 12-14-2009 01:59 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....


Sometimes, I just crack myself up :lol:

Levi Jones 12-14-2009 02:20 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

A woman.




Why do women have legs?

That way they don't leave a slug trail.

Brother Enoch 12-14-2009 02:25 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Now...Heres the difference between a Mans Visit to the ATM, and a womens.


Men:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser

2- Insert card

3- Dial code and desired amount

4- Take the cash and the card

5- Return to car, drive away

************************************************

Women:

1-Drive to the bank

2-Check make-up in the mirror

3- Apply perfume

4- Manually check haircut

5- Park car - failure, retry

6- Park car - failure, retry

7- Park car - success

8- Search for the card in the handbag

9- Insert card, rejected by the machine

10- Throw phone card back in handbag

11- look for bank card

12- Insert card

13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag

14- Enter code

15-Study instructions for 2 minutes

16- #Cancel#

17- Re-enter code

18- #Cancel#

19- Call husband to get correct code

20- Enter desired amount

21- #Error#

22- Enter smaller amount

23- #Error#

24- Enter maximum amount

25- Cross fingers

26- Take cash

27- Go back to the car

28- Check make-up in rear mirror

29- Look for keys in handbag

30- Start car

31- Drive 50 yards

32- STOP

33- Drive back to bank machine

34- Get out of the car

35- Take card back from machine

36- Go back to the car

37- Throw card on passenger seat

38- Check make-up in rear mirror

39- Manually check haircut

40- Go into roundabout - wrong way

41- Brake, reverse

42- Go into roundabout - right way

43- Drive 5 miles

44- Remove hand brake

wrongpathtaker 12-14-2009 04:31 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Levi Jones (Post 431134)
What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

A woman. .



Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Pastor Ezekiel 12-14-2009 04:39 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by rightpathtaker (Post 431178)
Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Care to back that up with Scripture, boy? :rtfm:

And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway? :threaten:

Jed_Cassidy 12-14-2009 04:49 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

Bryan Tamariki 12-14-2009 05:32 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So that they don't look like lezbean feminazis.

Nobar King 12-14-2009 06:05 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
How do you convert a dishwasher to a snowplow?









Give the bitch a shovel

Jed_Cassidy 12-14-2009 06:07 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Why do women have breasts?



So men have something to look at while they're talking.

Hank 12-14-2009 06:31 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
why do women wear white on their wedding day?

so the dishwasher matches the fridge

True Disciple 12-15-2009 12:15 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
I believe the Bible doesn't specificate which kind of fruit Eve got from the Tree, but given the obsessive lust for chocolate that all women share, it must have been a cocoa bean.

Pastor Ezekiel 12-23-2009 05:38 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

2. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

4. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

5. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

6. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

7. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

8. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

9. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

10. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

11. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink..

12. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

13. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

14. Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

15. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

16. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

17. I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

18. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*ex
drive by 90% ....
it's called a Wedding Cake.

19. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

20. Women will never be equal to men ...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

Father Thomas Martin 12-23-2009 10:27 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.

Pastor Ezekiel 12-23-2009 12:34 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Father Thomas Martin (Post 434255)
Q: Who will introduce Landover Baptist Church to national broadcast TV?
A: John Walsh-he hosts America's Most Wanted.

That was in poor taste. But I expect nothing more from you papist dogs. :glare:

Rev. M. Rodimer 12-23-2009 07:42 PM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by wrongpathtaker (Post 431178)
Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

Now, THAT is funny! :haha:

Women are definitely equal. To other women . . . :rofl:

An-Unintelligent-Person 02-19-2010 12:38 AM

Re: Manly Jokes
 
A pastor, a smart Atheist and a Intelligent women were walking down the street when they all saw a doller bill lying on the street, who picked it up.

The Pastor, the other ones dont exit


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