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-   -   Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today! (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=57283)

Lycia The Repentant 01-06-2011 11:43 PM

Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today!
 
Hey kids! Have you ever had to sit in your fifth grade class and listen to your atheist schoolmates drone on and on about how much they hate God and love making him angry by fornicating all the time? Did you then think to yourself "I hate how so many people in the world would rather spit on Baby Jesus than accept His gift of Salvation, but I don't know what I can do to stop it."? Well, I am pleased to announce the formation of a super-cool True Christian™ club that's dedicated to stopping all forms of sexual Godmockery and keeping kids pure until they enter a marriage that can only be left through the most byzantine of circumstances! I'm talking about the Junior Anti-Sex League!

http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/8...0x480front.jpg

So what is the Junior Anti-Sex League? Why, we're a group of only the coolest youths who are interested in stopping all fornication by attacking it at it's source; by banning birth control and any sexual education that isn't abstinence-only! Here's our mission statement:

"Our mission: To work towards a world where Biblical precepts regarding fornication are rigidly enforced, where marital sex is to be looked on as a disgusting minor operation, and where our children are protected from the corrupting message of any educational approach that doesn't view total abstinence before marriage as the ONLY correct answer!"

Shout Glory! Doesn't that just sound awesome? I might even go so far as to say it's totally radical.

Now, in addition to being a member of a group that's comprised of the coolest kids on the block who like to pay special attention to the parts of the Bible mentioning the wickedness of fornicators (Proverbs 2, 5, 7 and 9 come to mind immediately!), every full member of the Junior Anti-Sex League will receive a red sash to wear around their waist so they can show the world not only how seriously cool they are, but how serious they are about saving it for marriage!

So what are you waiting for, kids? Join the Junior Anti-Sex League today!

Rev. Jim Osborne 01-06-2011 11:50 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
What a wonderful, original idea that you have come up with Sister Lycia! I have no doubt many of the problems we face in this world (hurricanes, tornadoes, stock market and economic collapses, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan) are due to God being angry and punishing us for allowing wanton premarital sex to happen among youth. I'd be more than happy to volunteer to devote my time to helping young women in your group learn to protect themselves against the temptation of fornication.

Brother Temperance 01-07-2011 12:02 AM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Praise! Now that sounds like the kind of groovy idea that today's youth will really think is "Exceptionally wizard*, dude!"

* Wizard here is being used as a piece of harmless teen slang, and has no actual connection to Satan's Dark Arts.

BelieverInGod 01-07-2011 01:05 AM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
What ages are you looking at?

Daisy Mae Johnson 01-07-2011 02:26 AM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
You can count me in! I'm all about helping kids find JESUS!

Please tell them then can also receive a FREE T-SHIRT for joining my Anti-Masturbation Club!

:thumbsup:

Sister Thumper

Lycia The Repentant 01-07-2011 10:11 AM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BelieverInGod (Post 669948)
What ages are you looking at?

Well, the Junior Anti-Sex League is primarily geared towards young adults interested in a primarily sexless existence, but the group is open to anybody and everybody who is interested in bringing about a world where fornication and pre-marital sex aren't just sins, but sins with appropriate Biblical punishments. The Junior Anti-Sex League is already proud to count the esteemed Rev. Jim Osbourne as not only a member but the leader of the Young Ladies' Division, and we are proud to accept any older members who are interested in steering our nation's children toward a chaste and pure future.

Let me just leave you with this bit of scripture, Sister BiG. We're always on the lookout not only for interested youths, but also for people who can teach them proper True Christian™ values. :thumbsup:

"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5

MitzaLizalor 01-07-2011 01:38 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
This is a superb idea!

One thing that confronts me - and is geared to entrap the young & ingenuous - is the proliferation of "ladies of the night" at the many music and "art" festivals that are so much in vogue. And not only by night! Wanton whores display themselves in full sunlight with no shame, and would entice others into a life of degradation UNLESS they had been educated in how to recognise the signs. Forewarned is forearmed.

*Look what can so soon result (although in Australia - a nation built on compulsory prostitution - this might not be so unusual)
*And we are up against this sort of propaganda! :bad:

I can't think about this any more now. I need to go and lie down.
_________________________
* EDIT: CLICK WITH CAUTION

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 04:37 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
I'd love to join! But, I have 2 concerns. Does me not being a True Christian stop me from joining? And does my being in England matter?

Felicity 01-07-2011 04:49 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
I joined! :)

Lycia The Repentant 01-07-2011 05:04 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshua The Converted (Post 670254)
I'd love to join! But, I have 2 concerns. Does me not being a True Christian stop me from joining? And does my being in England matter?

Well Josh, not being a True Christian™ is a little bit of a problem, but I see that you have been making a serious effort to get yourself Saved©. As of right now the Junior Anti-Sex League is open to anybody who's interested in stopping fornication, but know that any suggestions you make as to the League's policy will need to be vetted by a True Christian™ leader of the League. Also, League membership is dependent on acting in a manner that coincides with League goals, and membership may be revoked for conduct unbefitting of the League.

As for you residing in England, I don't think that will be a problem. It is true that God has turned his favor away from Englandistan in recent years, but if it weren't for King James we wouldn't have the KJV Bible, so in a way you can even say that the Junior Anti-Sex League owes its existence to Englandistan (but more to America)!

So, I am hereby offering you (and any other people interested in stopping fornication who aren't True Christians™) a chance to join the Junior Anti-Sex League as an Outer Member. This gives you the right to join the group's presence on the LBC forums, partake in our discussions and to proudly let people know you are a member. However, we do restrict the official red sash to our True Christian™ Full Members, so we will not be sending you one at this time. You are allowed to make your own unofficial red sash though, so long as you acknowledge your Outer Membership status on it.

Now, on a different note, I am pleased to announce the Junior Anti-Sex League has taken an official position on the recruitment of older members, as this seems to have been a bit of a point of consternation. In the interest of having enough members where we can always watch and lovingly correct our Outer Members when they may stray from the path of chastity, the Junior Anti-Sex League is officially open to all applicants, regardless of age. Furthermore, we ask that any Full Members over the age of 24 be addressed with the titles "Big Brother" and "Big Sister" (as opposed to just "Brother" and "Sister") in all official Junior Anti-Sex League correspondence.

Thank you for your time friends, and remember, we will one day have a world where the grievous sins of fornication and pre-marital sex are dealt with exactly how God wants. Praise Jesus! :thumbsup:

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 05:54 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Thank you for inviting me, Lycia. How do I join? I went to the group's page, and it doesn't have a Join button that I can see.

Lycia The Repentant 01-07-2011 05:56 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshua The Converted (Post 670283)
Thank you for inviting me, Lycia. How do I join? I went to the group's page, and it doesn't have a Join button that I can see.

It should be at the top of the page, right across from where it says "Social Group". Let me know if you still can't get it and I'll set the group to send you an invitation. :thumbsup:

Dutch Girl 01-07-2011 05:59 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
The members of this group need to get laid, seriously.

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 06:10 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
The members of this group that are married (if there are any) could "get laid", as you put it. The other's couldn't. I'm not sure if it's classed as Adultery or Fornication, either way, it's wrong.

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 06:22 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant (Post 670286)
It should be at the top of the page, right across from where it says "Social Group". Let me know if you still can't get it and I'll set the group to send you an invitation. :thumbsup:

There isn't a button there. It may be because I'm not a True Christian, but I can't find the button. Could you please invite me?

Lycia The Repentant 01-07-2011 06:27 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshua The Converted (Post 670307)
There isn't a button there. It may be because I'm not a True Christian, but I can't find the button. Could you please invite me?

Hmm, it seems that JesOS has the forums set so users under investigation cannot join social groups. I wasn't aware of that, so I apologize for that. However, as leader of the Junior Anti-Sex League I hereby give you permission to refer to yourself as a probationary member until the results of your DoF investigation are processed. Though your name won't appear in the official membership lists please feel free to spread our message of chastity and purity.

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 06:44 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Thank you Lycia. What does DoF stand for, and why am I being investigated by them? I suppose it is because I might secretly be a God-Mocking Pastafarian?

Girl For God 01-07-2011 08:29 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
I was in Freehold, Iowa last month on business and witnessed a highly respected member of the Landover Church giving money to a local prostitute. I was shocked at what I saw. I think we all deserve an explanation for what took place. I have it recorded on my phone.

genisisread 01-07-2011 08:36 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?

I just read the sickest book in the world.

There was paedophilia, incest, rape, violence, domestic abuse, jews, blacks, pakis. It was piffleing great.

I think it was called 'The Bible'.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on the Sunday?

Just in time for half price Easter eggs. Typical piffleing Jew.

you thought you had lag?

It took Jesus 3 days to respawn.
Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.
BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"

If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...

Nope, no sign of that.
Baptism.....

Another Excuse priests use to get kids wet

The problem with Baptists is that they don't hold them under water long enough
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

I got kicked out of the library once for moving all the Bibles to the fiction section.

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?

Anyone else find it funny that the disclaimer "The characters in this film are authentic and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental" is in the credits for 'The Passion of the Christ'?


I saw a sign outside a church which read:

"C H - R C H... There's only one thing missing."

I'm not sure "CHPROOFRCH" is even a word.


My christian neighbour told me that he will always follow his Bible.

So I threw it off a cliff

Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

Christianity - The religion based on the irony of a carpenter being nailed to a giant wooden cross

How do you execute a real character?

By nailing him to a cross.






Mary: I have something to tell you... I'm pregnant. It's not yours. I'm sorry.

Joseph: ....Holy piffle.


Mary: Funny you should say that...

The Bible is too wordy, the stories are too wordy, there's no need for the ten commandments.

The Bible should be just one sheet of paper that says:

'Try not to be a cunt.'

Joshua The Converted 01-07-2011 08:46 PM

Re: Help make a difference! Join the Junior Anti-Sex League Today
 
Woah, Genesisread, you seem to be pretty sceptic. And I suppose you could say Jesus "respawned", but not in the way as seen on Call Of Duty, where you die, and you're brought back to life. The Bible should be as it is, as it tells people how to live their lives. "Try not to be a cooter" is insuficient. And, God did punish Steven Hawking, by giving him a form of Motor Neurone Disease known as Amyotrophic Lateral Schlerosis, which I think is not enough. His punishment should have been death, and then eternity in the fires of Hell. But, I guess God just wanted to watch him suffer for a while, giving him that horrible disease, and then letting him spend eternity in Hell.


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