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-   -   A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell! (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=58475)

Lycia The Repentant 01-24-2011 01:56 PM

A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Hello Sisters, in accordance with Titus 2:3-5, I just wanted to offer up a friendly reminder to all the unsaved strumpets who wander in here about how important it is that we women follow all Biblical guidelines regarding the proper use of a cooter. It is for making little soldiers for Christ, and using it in any other fashion, or even just ignoring Biblical laws regarding their upkeep can easily turn our cooters into a portal to Hell. Misusing a cooter, even unintentionally, turns it into Satan's vacuum cleaner and it will suck countless souls into the depths of Hell.

So just who can your cooter get damned and what can you do to prevent it? Well, I'm here to help you find out, strumpets! :)

Your cooter can get your family sent to Hell!

Believe it or not, it is quite easy for your cooter to send your whole family to Hell, and I'm not just talking about a typical atheist's family reunion (:bad:). What I am talking about is failure to comply with the Lord's commandments regarding women during their unclean time. The Bible is very clear that we women should remain completely separate from everybody while we are having our issue, and failure to do so is not only totally disgusting, but also endangers your family and anybody else who may come near you and threatens them with eternal damnation. Now, most of the Biblical guidelines for proper menstra conduct can be found in Leviticus 15:19-30, but there are a few other verses that deserve special mention here.

"But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman, And hath not oppressed any, but hath restored to the debtor his pledge, hath spoiled none by violence, hath given his bread to the hungry, and hath covered the naked with a garment; He that hath not given forth upon usury, neither hath taken any increase, that hath withdrawn his hand from iniquity, hath executed true judgment between man and man, Hath walked in my statutes, and hath kept my judgments, to deal truly; he is just, he shall surely live, saith the Lord GOD." Ezekiel 18:5-9

From these verses, we can clearly see that coming near a menstruous women is a grievous sin, and it is implied that those who do go near her will surely die. That certainly doesn't seem like a thing a proper lady would inflict on anybody, now does it?

"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Leviticus 20:18

While this verse doesn't explicitly deal with the topic of damnation, you ladies could also use a reminder that lying with a man while you have your issue (:bad:) should be grounds for immediate exile, even provided you've followed all the other fornication-specific commandments (which I doubt you have if you managed to break that disgusting one).

Your cooter can get men sent to Hell!

This is the big one, and it's a topic I've spoken about before, but it is so important it deserves repeating here. Nothing can earn a man eternal damnation faster than your acts of fornication and whoredoms, and there are absolutely tons of Bible verses about this subject. Let's focus on a few that directly prove that your cooter can turn into Satan's gaping maw, though.

"To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God. For her house inclineth unto death, and her paths unto the dead. None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life." Proverbs 2:16-18

"For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell." Proverbs 5:3-5

"Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death." Proverbs 7:25-27

"Whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell." Proverbs 9:16-18

Do you notice a reoccurring theme in these verses, ladies? All of them come right out and say it; harlots use their cooters to send men to Hell, and they don't even need to do so physically, as can be seen in this verse.

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28

That's right, even the thought of a woman's cooter is enough to drag a man into Hell, and probably the woman he lusted over, too. After all, if he's committed adultery with her in his heart, he's still committed adultery with her, and adultery is a sin committed by two people, you vile harlot.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Exodus 20:14

Your cooter can get women sent to Hell!

Honestly, most of the verses that apply to your cooter sending men to Hell still apply here, but there are a few verses that are specific to this disgusting subject that deserve mention.

"Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet." Romans 1:24-27

The Lord warns that not even other women are immune to the infernal influence of a sinful cooter, so take heed, ladies.

Your cooter can get your children, and your children's children, and your children's children's children (unto the tenth generation) sent to Hell!

Misuse of a cooter can have some very long-lasting ramifications. In fact, it is entirely possible that one woman's ladybits can continue sending people to Hell for up to a millennium. Just take a look at this verse.

"A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
Deuteronomy 23:2

That's right. Did you or somebody you know have a child out of wedlock? Well, that child is going to Hell, and all of their children are going to Hell, and all of their children's children are going to Hell, and it can all be traced back to one sinful woman. Would you be able to live with yourself, knowing that you've potentially damned hundreds of people for hundreds of years, just because you decided to seduce one poor man (and attempted to drag him to Hell, too)?

Above all else, your cooter can get YOU sent to Hell!

That's right, ladies. All of those verses I posted? They apply to you too. However, there is one special way in which your cooter can send you, and only you, to Hell, and that is by not using it to bring forth children.

"Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety."
1 Timothy 2:15

So what can you do to avoid getting yourself sent to Hell and possibly having your cooter be responsible for dragging tens of thousands of people with you? Well, its easy, actually! All you have to do is accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, follow all of God's commandments set forth in the KJV Bible, get married to a True Christian™ man and submit yourself completely to them and produce lots of soldiers for Christ!

Remember when I mentioned Titus 2:3-5 at the very beginning of my post? That's a good place to start, ladies. :innocent:

"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." Titus 2:3-5

terra_godard7 01-24-2011 11:06 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Being ashamed for being born the way you were and being yourself is no way to live life.

Lycia The Repentant 01-24-2011 11:11 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by terra_godard7 (Post 681705)
Being ashamed for being born the way you were and being yourself is no way to live life.

Now what in tarnation does that have to do with anything? :huh:

In any case, we women should be ashamed because of a little something called the original sin.

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
Genesis 3:16

terra_godard7 01-24-2011 11:18 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant (Post 681708)
Now what in tarnation does that have to do with anything? :huh:

In any case, we women should be ashamed because of a little something called the original sin.

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." Genesis 3:16

I never want to be ashamed of who I am.
There may be things in my past that I'm not proud of, but the past is in the past, and I've learned from my mistakes and I'll learn from any future mistakes I may make.

BelieverInGod 01-24-2011 11:28 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by terra_godard7 (Post 681713)
I never want to be ashamed of who I am.
There may be things in my past that I'm not proud of, but the past is in the past, and I've learned from my mistakes and I'll learn from any future mistakes I may make.

This is why you're going to Hell.

We're sinful creatures who should submit to a man (either our fathers or our husbands). We're especially cursed by God.

TheLordSavedMe 01-24-2011 11:44 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant (Post 681443)
LOTS OF RREEEAALLLLLY GOOD BIBLE STUFF ABOUT LADYPLACES

Sister Lycia, don't forget about emming!:fear2:

If you emm yourself, that's totally bad too, because down there isn't for fun, it's for going #1 and having babies, period!:yes:

And not emming is in the Bible too!:pray:

Quote:

Originally Posted by God in the Bible
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Genesis 38:8-10



And anyways, why would anybody even want to mess around with thereself down there? It's just GROSS even thinking about it! And emming yourself means you're a lezzy since you're messing around with someone that has the same down there parts as you! :yucky:


p.s. Even though it is you that your emming, it's still lezzing out!:nonono:

:praise:


Tammi :innocent:

InvisiblePinkUnicorn 01-25-2011 12:38 AM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
While I agree that Dukes of Hazard was horrible, there is no such thing as Hell.

http://silencedogood2010.files.wordp.../04/cooter.jpg

Cranky Old Man 01-25-2011 12:44 AM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by InvisiblePinkUnicorn (Post 681754)
While I agree that Dukes of Hazard was horrible, there is no such thing as Hell.

How can Dukes of Hazard be anything but one of God's warnings for the horrors of Hell? I am certain the damned are tortured by having to watch those reruns for all eternity.

Nobar King 01-25-2011 01:34 AM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
I do my best to stay away from strange cooters.

James Dewitt 01-25-2011 01:47 AM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Thank you God for making me a man. that's about all I have to say on the subject of Cooters. Well except one other thing why do they smell like fish?

HTannor 01-25-2011 12:52 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Let this be a warning to any Unsaved Trash appearing before me:

I treat cases of illegal or immoral uses of a cooter very harshly especially when in flagrante delicto is involved.

Brother Enoch 01-25-2011 01:28 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nobar King (Post 681802)
I do my best to stay away from strange cooters.

Same here. But it's hard when she sleeps in the same bed as me.

Jonathan Prestor 01-25-2011 02:19 PM

Re: A Friendly Reminder: Your Cooter is a Portal to Hell!
 
Dear Sister Lycia,

While this is a well-written public service announcement about the proper usage of a woman's ladybits, I am unsure why you're using the term cooter here. Why, the only danger a cooter poses to a man is snapping him, and the Bible is even quite clear that cooters make perfectly acceptable sin offerings.

"And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean."
Leviticus 12:8

"And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation." Leviticus 15:29

Now, I know we aren't required to make these kinds of sin offerings anymore as per Hebrews 9 and 10, but I still think it's perfectly acceptable, and probably even a good idea, for a young lady to offer up her cooter to her pastor after she is done with her issue.

On a quick personal note, anybody interested in cooters should definitely check out this year's Cooterfest in Allendale, South Carolina. I'm hoping to be a cooter handler there this year!

http://www.bigbonton.org/cooterfest.jpg


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