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-   -   King David's Bedmates For Billionaires™ - a Trickle-Down Charity™ Project (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=87008)

Trent Harvey, Jr. 01-23-2013 02:44 PM

King David's Bedmates For Billionaires™ - a Trickle-Down Charity™ Project
 
A lot of wealthy people are getting old, and with aging comes a slower metabolism, and an inability to keep warm at night. Some things never change:
Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. -1 Kings 1:1
Now, you'd think as a King, you'd be able to afford hot-water bottles, or a bed closer to the fireplace. For whatever reason, that's just not an option. Good thing the Bible tells us how to solve this problem in a way that actually works:
Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. - 1 Kings 1:2
That's how it's done - nothing transfers just the right amount of heat like skin-on-skin contact. However women - in particular skinny adolescent girls - don't have as good a metabolism as men. So he'd be better off having some men to cherish him and lie in his bosom, if keeping warm was his first priority.

But of course, that would give people the wrong idea! King David is making a clear statement: I'd rather freeze to death than do something that looks gay! And forget about dogs, because they fart. So bring on the less-warm, but more respectable tweenie bedmates:
So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. -1 Kings 1:3
Oh right, obviously it has to be the best-looking adolescent girl around. (New International Version: "Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful young woman" This is a job for a specialist, you can't just use a kitchen maid. Attractive girls are warmer - don't get the wrong idea:
And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. -1 Kings 1:4
He didn't have sex with her. Honestly, I don't know why God even issued this denial, it's the kind of thing that only awakens suspicion. The thought had never crossed my mind.

So, considering that the Bible is not some obsolete curiosity for historians, but a letter from God telling US how to live our lives TODAY, I'm going to help todays King David equivalents follow his example.

My new Tickle-Down Charity™ project will raise money to help America's aging billionaires hire attractive young bedmates. The money will ONLY be spent on hiring and travel expenses (as I travel to trailer parks and urban projects for fund raising, and child beauty pageants for hiring) and nothing else (I will provide the virginity inspections free of charge).

Upcoming project: consolation prize for Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney should be living in the White House right now. Since he can't do that, he should at least be living in an equivalent. Preferably in the Camayan Islands, so he can be close to his money.

I don't even know where to begin with such a big project, so I'm just going to settle for showing you his current houses so you'll see why it's needed:

Just look at these hovels:

http://tthu.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-cont...sachusetts.jpg
http://static5.businessinsider.com/i...ch-mansion.jpg

As his ski lodge this is supposed to LOOK rustic. Unfortunately, it actually IS rustic:

http://www.rugrag.com/image.axd?pict...ey-mansion.jpg

I've seen better slums than this:

http://notesfromthewest.files.wordpr...mney-homes.jpg

Any car elevator that can't lift a Hummer is too small:

http://static4.businessinsider.com/i...r-elevator.jpg

So, clearly something better than these shacks is required. This one is for sale, but it's in Florida:

http://images.businessweek.com/cms/2...nline__405.jpg

It should give you an idea of what I'm thinking of. Please: donate today!

(Note: yes pennies are welcome, but it would be appreciated if you roll them first. Thank you.)

Paragon of virtue 01-24-2013 01:48 PM

Re: King David's Bedmates For Billionaires™ - a Trickle-Down Charity™ Project
 
I'm not so interested in donating as I am in signing up for the program. It is true that I'm only 39 and quite poor, but I do have a hard time keeping my body temperature up. I'm sure the wife won't mind since it's all scientifically proven. I would like a Japanese damsel between the ages of 16-21. If she can wear one of those sailor suits like they do in the private schools over there or dress up like a cat or something it would be a plus. If there is a waiting list, I don't mind.

SmiteTheAthiests 03-06-2013 09:35 PM

Re: King David's Bedmates For Billionaires™ - a Trickle-Down Charity™ Project
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paragon of virtue (Post 971451)
I'm not so interested in donating as I am in signing up for the program. It is true that I'm only 39 and quite poor, but I do have a hard time keeping my body temperature up. I'm sure the wife won't mind since it's all scientifically proven. I would like a Japanese damsel between the ages of 16-21. If she can wear one of those sailor suits like they do in the private schools over there or dress up like a cat or something it would be a plus. If there is a waiting list, I don't mind.

This thread is hilarious. Praise Jesus

Jessica6 05-03-2013 01:42 PM

Re: King David's Bedmates For Billionaires™ - a Trickle-Down Charity™ Project
 
I'm quite concerned about the proximity of that second home to the shoreline there.

One lil bitty hurricane or storm surge could take that right out to sea.

I'll check my couch for some coins but for now I'll be sure to keep him and his family in my prayers...


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