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-   -   Antique Battle-Axe For Sale (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=97521)

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 09:31 PM

Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4KrkeX1T_Y...n+pictures.jpg

The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.

Cranky Old Man 03-06-2014 09:41 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.

Mother Of Seven 03-06-2014 10:14 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071200)
grow her own foot

Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 10:21 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071200)
The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.

I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them, on account of the fell odor wafting from her long-wilted birth-hole. Her arthritis makes it impossible for her to scrub out the demons of uncleanliness, and even my wife is loath to do it for her. We hung a pine scented air freshener around her neck, which helps a bit. I will throw that in on the deal, and reduce her price to $2.50.

Witch Hammer 03-06-2014 10:34 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven (Post 1071205)
Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!

The foot was removed by me in accordance with Mark 9:45, a few years back. She tripped over a copy of the KJV Bible that she had carelessly left on the floor, provoking my righteous fury. I amputated the offending foot before Christ could cast her into eternal flame, since back then I still had hopes that she would die any day now, and mightn't have time to repent properly...yet she lingers on...

I gave her an iron-boot from my inquisition chamber, but she refuses to wear it. I'll throw that in, too. Maybe someone else will have better luck persuading her.

Cranky Old Man 03-06-2014 11:43 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071206)
I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them

That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 12:00 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071213)
That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?

She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 12:07 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071221)
She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?

$.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 12:35 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071223)
$.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?

There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20 sound, and I pay the freight charges?

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 01:48 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071232)
There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20 sound, and I pay the freight charges?

I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20 we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 07:56 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071346)
I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20 we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.

Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Attila's Wife 03-07-2014 08:32 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071389)
If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right? :o

YiC
AW

Witch Hammer 03-07-2014 09:44 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Attila's Wife (Post 1071392)
Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right? :o

YiC
AW

I should have put that part in fine print...:(

Cranky Old Man 03-07-2014 11:26 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer (Post 1071389)
Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.:thumbsup:

Excellent, I will let you know when the package arrives. My grandson is looking forward to his surprise already. I am certain he doesn't expect we will celebrate his 10th birthday already even though he is only 8. My memory is not what it used to be so I forgot what I needed the old lady for. But I am sure it will come back to me.

John Creeser 03-07-2014 11:54 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
She looks all skin and bones, I doubt you could make a decent soap out of her.:thumbdown:

Cranky Old Man 03-08-2014 10:23 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
I got a call from the shipping people. Apparently the package will be delayed. I think the reason was bad smell, but the Indian call center slut was very hard to understand, so it could be anything. Did you include enough water in the crate for you mother-in-law to survive an extra day?

Cranky Old Man 03-08-2014 10:27 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
I got another call from the hellbound Indian call center whore. Apparently the crate started making noise, so clearly your mother-in-law is still in great shape. I explained to the Indian call center harlot why she will burn in Hell for all eternity and then she hung up, but I am certain the crate will arrive real soon now. My grandson was crying a bit since we had to postpone his birthday but after a firm beating he recognized the wrong of his ways.

Cranky Old Man 03-09-2014 11:39 PM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

Witch Hammer 03-10-2014 07:56 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man (Post 1071921)
The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

I shipped her economy, which didn't come with tracking or insurance...I hope I addressed the crate correctly. If she gets shipped back to me, I can assure you she will be dealt with severely for having delayed your grandchild's party, and for causing you to have to exert yourself upon the whelp...I still have hope that she will arrive eventually, though.

Cranky Old Man 03-10-2014 09:15 AM

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale
 
The crate finally arrived. Unfortunately she ate what was left over from the cake and she even ate the candles. I gave her a severe beating for that and ordered her to make new candles and to use the wood of the crate to build her living quarters. As soon as she makes new candles, we can finally have that birthday. She smells horrible by the way, I hope that is temporary.


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