01-17-2011, 02:31 AM
Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demons!
Hello friends! It has come to the attention of the True Christian™ menfolk here that most of the unsaved trash that wander in here are woefully misinformed about demons, and it was decided that a public safety announcement was needed. You have no idea how honored I was when they asked me to help with the report (somebody had to make the coffee
)! So, without further ado, here is everything you unsaved trash NEED to know about demons!
Basic Facts about Demons
Demons are a very real force in this world, and they are fallen angels who've sinned and decided to serve Satan (Revelation 12:9, Ezekiel 28:14 and Jude 6). They, like angels, probably have a lot of wings (Isaiah 6:2), and they are very powerful (Psalm 8:4-5), though they aren't omniscient (Matthew 24:36). They enjoy possessing people (Mark 5:1-20 and Acts 16:16-19), pretending to be righteous (2 Corinthians 11:14-15), tormenting people (2 Corinthians 12:7), whores (Leviticus 17:7) and sacrifices (Deuteronomy 32:17, Psalm 106:37, 1 Corinthians 10:20 and others).
How to Recognize a Demon Attack
Now that you know how to recognize a demon, it's imperative that you know how to recognize a demon attack. Luckily, the Bible tells us exactly what we need to look out for. Here is a list of things that are indicative of demonic assault, though it's important to remember demons are crafty and symptoms of possession aren't just limited to this list.
Are you or somebody you know:
Hanging around graveyards? (Mark 5:2-3)
Exhibiting unnatural strength? (Mark 5:4)
Crying? (Mark 5:5)
Cutting themselves or listening to "emo" music? (Mark 5:5)
Casting spells? (Acts 16:16)
Angry at True Christians™? (Acts 16:19)
Dumb? (Matthew 9:32-33)
Deaf and/or blind? (Matthew 12:22)
A young daughter? (Mark 7:25)
Crazy? (Matthew 7:14-18)
Hanging around synagogues? (Mark 1:23)
A harlot? (Mark 16:9)
Sick? (Matthew 4:24)
Making false prophecies? (1 Kings 22:22-23)
Not a True Christian™? (1 Corinthians 10:20-21)
If any of these are true, chances are you're possessed by a demon (or many demons, see Mark 5:9 for clarification)! This is absolutely horrible, but don't worry, there IS hope.
What to do in Case of a Demonic Possession
First of all, DON'T PANIC! Second of all, DON'T CONTACT THE CATLICK CHURCH! Demon infestations, while absolutely horrible, are fairly common and can be dealt with easily by True Christians™, so as long as you contact a pastor and set up a generous tithing program you should be fine. You definitely should NOT contact a catlick exorcist though, because they aren't true believers and usually make problems with demons worse.
Once a True Christian™ pastor generously gets rid of your demons, it is imperative that you fully accept Jesus and convert to True Christianity™ to keep the demon infestation from reoccurring. True Christians™ are perfect, we are the only people who are totally immune to demons. We know this because we are completely invincible (Luke 10:19), are protected by the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and are the only people able to successfully cast out devils (Mark 16:17)
Remember, please report any suspicions of demonic activity to a True Christian™ man. Only you can prevent demon infestations!