A lot of wealthy people are getting old, and with aging comes a slower metabolism, and an inability to keep warm at night. Some things never change:
Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. -1 Kings 1:1
Now, you'd think as a King, you'd be able to afford hot-water bottles, or a bed closer to the fireplace. For whatever reason, that's just not an option. Good thing the Bible tells us how to solve this problem in a way that actually works:
Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. - 1 Kings 1:2
That's how it's done - nothing transfers just the right amount of heat like skin-on-skin contact. However women - in particular skinny adolescent girls - don't have as good a metabolism as men. So he'd be better off having some men to cherish him and lie in his bosom, if keeping warm was his first priority.
But of course, that would give people the wrong idea! King David is making a clear statement: I'd rather freeze to death than do something that looks gay! And forget about dogs, because they fart. So bring on the less-warm, but more respectable tweenie bedmates:
So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. -1 Kings 1:3
Oh right, obviously it has to be the best-looking adolescent girl around. (New International Version: "Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful young woman"
This is a job for a specialist, you can't just use a kitchen maid. Attractive girls are warmer - don't get the wrong idea:
And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. -1 Kings 1:4
He didn't have sex with her. Honestly, I don't know why God even issued this denial, it's the kind of thing that only awakens suspicion. The thought had never crossed my mind.
So, considering that the Bible is not some obsolete curiosity for historians, but a letter from God telling US how to live our lives TODAY, I'm going to help todays King David equivalents follow his example.
My new Tickle-Down Charity™ project will raise money to help America's aging billionaires hire attractive young bedmates. The money will ONLY be spent on hiring and travel expenses (as I travel to trailer parks and urban projects for fund raising, and child beauty pageants for hiring)
and nothing else (I will provide the virginity inspections free of charge)
: consolation prize for Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney should be living in the White House right now. Since he can't do that, he should at least be living in an equivalent. Preferably in the Camayan Islands, so he can be close to his money.
I don't even know where to begin with such a big project, so I'm just going to settle for showing you his current houses so you'll see why it's needed:
Just look at these hovels:
As his ski lodge this is supposed to LOOK rustic. Unfortunately, it actually IS rustic:
I've seen better slums than this:
Any car elevator that can't lift a Hummer is too small:
So, clearly something better than these shacks is required. This one is for sale, but it's in Florida:
It should give you an idea of what I'm thinking of. Please: donate today!
(Note: yes pennies are welcome, but it would be appreciated if you roll them first. Thank you.)