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Wash O'Hanley Wash O'Hanley is offline
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-16-2010, 01:50 AM

Dearest Edith,

I write to you not as the once innocent man you kissed goodbye some three weeks ago, but as a hardened soldier in The War on Christmas. I've seen things too disgusting to describe to you and lost many friends along the way.

Yesterday my men and I were ambushed by a squad of atheist yuppies in what became The Battle of the Orlando City Hall Manger Display. As we stood in vigilant guard in front of that wooden statue of blessed Jesus we could hear in the distance the sound of a Dave Matthew's Band CD growing ever-louder. Soon the front of the City Hall was completely illuminated by the headlights of at least half a dozen Honda Priuses. We readied ourselves as the cigarette-legged, skinny-jean wearing, ironic lumberjack beard-wearing, 30-something-year-olds rushed as us with the intent of tearing down the scene of our Lord's birth.

We stood our ground and in Jesus' holy name bashed in every last one of their heads causing them to retreat and regroup at the local farmer's market to mend their wounds with organic fair-trade rubbing alcohol.

I'm proud to report that due to our efforts residents in the greater Orlando area will not have to drive by their City Hall without being reminded that Jesus is the reason for the season (in case they forgot).

We've lost a lot of good men in this fight, but on days like these I know that it's all worth it.

Send my warmest regards to mother and the children. Know that my heart aches for you on these long, cold nights.

Lovingly yours,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III