[Billy Bob Jenkins]

During my years as a smack shooting, Goetic wizard, I would sometimes masturbate for days at a time, channelling the sexual energy like a weapon into the minds of my enemies, driving them irreversibly insane and feeding their astral bodies to my praeternatural familiars.

Eventually these contemptible practices attracted the displeasure of Christ Jesus, who had me imprisoned as protection against the Mesmeric phantoms that had all but usurped my very soul. Raped with claw hammers by a gang of Odinists within the day, my colon went missing during the resultant rectal prolapse, and now most likely regales the altar of my former enemies. I believe my anus was specifically targeted (perhaps by reptilians) to extract the dark power I had stored up inside of it. God knows the horrors they have committed in this world and others, wielding a weapon of such magnitude, if they did not destroy themselves in the process.

Anyway, that is what masturbation will get you.