[Barry]

I need all your advice. I wrote my sweetheart a Valentine's poem. I thought it would be a nice and romantic thing to do. But after reading this thread I am having second thoughts on whether I should give it to her. What shall I do?

True Valentine

The 14th of February was a day Valentine dreaded.
For that was the day, Claudius had him beheaded.
Val had tried converting him to Christianity,
which to a Pagan Emperor, was an utter profanity.

Claudius said, “I’ve no interest in all this Christian malarkey.
I’m too busy having Roman orgies and going to toga parties.
So for you, my old pal Valentine,
It’s off t’ prison at bottom of t' Palatine.

The jailer’s daughter was as blind as a bat
But Valentine miraculously cured her of that.
He said, “Next time, do yourself a few favours.
Jump on t’ chariot and pop down to Spec Savers”.

They beat him black and blue, with clubs and boulders.
Then while he was still twitching,
nipped into the kitchen.
To get a knife, to chop his head from his shoulders.

St. Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be all blowing kisses,
Cupid’s arrows, buying chocolates for the Misses,
holding hands all lovey dovey, kissy cuddly, romantic goo.
It commemorates the day poor Val, stopped needing to use shampoo.