David's choice 70,000 smitten
Our story today comes from 1 Chronicles 21. David, like Barak Hussein Osama, has been possessed by Satan. He has decided to take a census for liberal taxation purposes.
1And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.
2And David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel from Beersheba even to Dan; and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.
If we ever needed further proof that God is a Republican, here it is. In an act of True Patriotism, the loyal tea party members of Israel all draw their swords at once.
5And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword.
Now, it is unclear what happened here as God smote Israel. I'm not sure what that means. I do know that God is pissed about taxation..
7And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.
David apologizes to God.
8And David said unto God, I have sinned greatly, because I have done this thing: but now, I beseech thee, do away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.
David's seer... Yes David had a seer for God, but any other diviner should be put to death. Shout glory!
9And the LORD spake unto Gad, David's seer, saying,
10Go and tell David, saying, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things: choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee.
Gad tells David that God has a message for him. God being the all loving creator He is, has allowed David to chose his own punishment. It's either three years of famine throughout the land or three months until David is taken prisoner.
David does the right thing and decides to screw the people.
11So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee
12Either three years' famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me.
God changes His mind and decides the Israelites have had enough after He has killed 70,000 people.
14So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men.
Right before the angel of death is to come to Jerusalem God relents.
15And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the LORD beheld, and he repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand. And the angel of the LORD stood by the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite.
Still 70,000 dead is quite the smiting!