Brothers and sisters, have I got some wonderful news for you. Wonderful news.
As you know,
I have been toiling lo these many years in the heathen lands of the yellow-skinned, slanty-eyed buck-toothed japs.
Despite my best efforts, I have made precious little impact on their degenerate, godless ways.
Well Brothers, I am here to tell you about the opportunity of a lifetime that Jesus has just dropped in my lap.
Over the past year, I have been spending time greasing the wheels to get us into a land previously barred to all Christians. I have worked tirelessly,
despite being in dire need of a new airplane, and have finally had a breakthrough.
Get this: I have convinced Kim Jong Un, leader of Korea, to allow Landover Baptist to own the exclusive rights to preach True Christianity™ in his beautiful kingdom. I believe that we may be on the verge of establishing the very first True Christian™ country in the world!
Kim Jong Un is actually a very nice guy for a dictator, and it turns out that he isn't all that dead set on forcing communist rules on his people. He's open to switching over to God's rules! Can someone shout Glory!?
There are still plenty of details to work out. I wish I knew what happened to my secretary Miss Cookie. I will need my True Christian™ logistics team to kick it into gear, and
I NEED THAT PLANE in order to get this done! Jesus wants a country of His own, and this could be our best chance to give Him that. Imagine how He'll reward me!
I expect this mission trip to go off flawlessly. There can be no room for errors, like we experienced when
we attempted to take over Australia. Look sharp, True Christians™. Report your progress here.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)