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Wash O'Hanley Wash O'Hanley is offline
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Default Re: Letters from the War on Christmas - 12-22-2010, 05:04 PM

To my friend Derwood,

As I write this letter I am worried that perhaps something awful happened to you at The Battle of the Charleston Highway Atheist Billboard, for I have not heard from you in nearly a fortnight and grow more anxious as the days go by. Please respond to this letter so I know you are alright.

After our success at The Battle of the Knoxville Safeway we marched north toward Pennsylvania where word had spread that a small contingent of Christ-killing Jews were amassing in the small town of Erie to prevent the production of a school play depicting our Lord's birth. As we entered the town we knew something was amiss and set up camp in the forest nearby. As night fell we made our way to the Elementary School where the production was to take place. Activist Jews/Atheists/Homosexuals had prevented this year's play from making any mention of Christ and the once Godly "Nativity Play" had its name changed to "The Christmas Santa Slept In." We had to stop this theatrical abortion from reaching the public and hatched a most devious scheme. While Cooter and Wayne chained themselves to the front door in silent protest that prevented the parents and children from getting into the auditorium the rest of us forced our way in through the cafeteria loading docks, beating the lunch lady savagely over the head with a frozen lamb chop when she attempted to alert authorities. The men and I then took the child actors and drama teacher hostage backstage.

The police finally arrived and hauled Cooter and Wayne off to jail, while they will be missed their sacrifices will not be in vain. (Before I forget: If you could get a hold of Cooter and Wayne's families and let them know where they are that would be great since we don't have the money to bail them out right now) As the parents took their seats the curtain rose and the lights dimmed. Prepared to see the theatrical equivalent of watching a mentally challenged seven year old smash his testicles with a claw hammer, the parents were most taken aback when the boys and I, donning Jesus-era garb, performed the miracle of Jesus' birth with me playing the part of the Virgin Mary.

We escaped before the authorities could return and spent the night in the woods reveling in our victory over Godlessness while consuming spirited beverages like Peppermint Schnapps. The boys and I had a gay time indeed. It is good for us to have these moments, for the joys that we experience come so far apart during this war. I pray the day The War On Christmas ends will be soon. I miss my bed, for sleeping in the woods under bridges with meth addicts and winos has made me long for the comforts of my home. I miss home-cooked meals. I miss my wife Martha, and my secret fiance Edith, who I plan to marry as soon as this war is over.

I hope this letter will find you in good spirits and that you may receive it before Christmas. You are in my prayers.

Sincerely, your dear friend,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III