We were all set for the Kinkade Artburn this evening. We had the bonfire lit, and a couple of the deacons had the weiners out for roasting. Nearly 300 people were there! (The whole congregation, plus more!)
It was such a festive atmosphere. Everyone was so happy, that they didn't even pay the "anti-censorship" protesters a bit of mind.
The cheap prints went up like tissue paper, and the crowd cheered. Then we brought out the Elmo toys and the Harry Potter books and DVDS to burn.
That's when things started to go horribly wrong.
First, Deacon Josephson thought it would be nice to offer the protesters hot dogs. They looked hungry, after all, and had small children with them. So, he went up to the dozen whiners and asked if they'd like to wrap their lips around one of Second Baptist's succulent weiners, or perhaps his special bratwurst. They must have been vegetarians, because they got very angry and called the police!
Vegetarians
always look hungry, don't they?
Well, we knew nothing would come of that, and went back to our event. Three Second Baptist children tossed the Elmo toys and Harry Potter DVDs onto the blaze.
It was like opening the gates of Hell, friends! Multicolor flames shot twenty feet into the sky, setting a nearby fir tree alight. Satan was screaming out his anger as we destroyed his recruitment materials!
So, we called the fire department. They and the police started arguing over who should handle their response first, as the fir tree blazed away in the night like a giant road flare.
In the midst of all this chaos, we decided it was time to bring out the Kinkades. The fire wasn't gonna get any hotter, after all! And what better than the very fires of Hell to destroy these vile works?
So, down to the basement I went, and discovered that the room where the Kinkades were stored had been broken into, the door kicked in. Everything was gone. We'd been robbed!
Once Deacon Josephson got everything straightened out with the police, and the tree was put out, and little Ginny stopped crying about having her blonde hair singed off (we convinced her that the Susan Powter look is in again), I filed a police report about the theft. It's good they were there when the theft was discovered!
I suppose there is a silver lining to all this. We had added the $850,000 worth of paintings to our insurance.
That should pay for a new tree, anyway.