Hey wait, so Dr. Laurie says the Eucharist/communion thing is nonsense, but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real:
Host-Nailing Epidemic hits LA, NYC, DC
Graham Robertson, Bush Youth Middle-Eastern Correspondent
His blood be on us, and on our children - The Jews (Matthew 27:24-25)
Hollywood CA - It began when when receiver John McCarthy saw a strange shipping manifest. "My first thought was, somebody's got a fubar on their hands. 5 crates of communion wafers going to a Synogogue? And why would they need an entire pallet of nails?"
The revelations unravelled with lightning speed. A bi-curious republican congressman (who must remain anonymous for obvious reasons) reported that he saw patrons at a gay bar fondling and licking communion wafers. At JFK airport in NYC, airport security was called when a papist cardinal vomited a stomacheload of raw flesh and blood onto a stewardess. DNA analasis indicated that the flesh and blood was human.
To the average layman, this sounds like random bizaree incidents. But to the Washington DC based advocacy group Stop Cannibalism Now, all the puzzle pieces fit together.
Founder Jane Thomson explains: "Catholics regularily engage in cannibalism via transubstantiation - the host wafer during catlick mass is transformed into the body of Jesus inside the catlick stomache. However, host wafers have a history of being used for even worse purposes".
In the thirteenth century, European Jews began a movement to re-cruicify Christ. In Belitz Germany 1243, many Jews confessed to the crime under interrogation and were nuetralized. In Nuremberg, in 1298, six hundred and twenty eight Jews were pacified for the same offence. While in Deggendorf, Bavaria. the entire Jewish community was found guilty of host-nailing. Even the children were engaged in the ritual. In 1370, in Brussels, as many as five hundred were sentenced to pain compliance for the offence. Jewish confession of host-nailing continued until the late eighteenth century.
The host-nailing movement was clearly prophesized in the Bible, says Thomson.
And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day - John 5:16
It has long been rumoured that Catholic church has been providing mass shipments of communion wafers to Isreal in return for the Jewish media keeping silent about various child-abuse abuse incidents of which the publically known scandal is just the tip of the iceburg. However, the movement of the host-nailing epidemic onto American soil is causing a tital wave of devastation.
Police report that car accidents have increased 20% and hospitals have noted patients dying from minor ailments. The reason is clear, says Thomson, "God is removing his protection from us."
"It would be a mistake to only blame the Jews" says Jeb Stuart Thurmond, owner of a Landover Baptist Church [News - Web Sites] franchise in Jessup County, Alabama. "We need to remember that homosexuals are also doing some host "nailing" though of a different type."
Thurmond's investigation of gay bars and clubs in major metropolital centers has found that 65% of establishments have communion wafers, and 30% of them are willing to "pimp" those wafers for less than $9.99 a half-hour.
"We have found evidence of communion wafers being inserted anally, being "sandwiched" participating in "jousting" and this is just the tip of the iceburg. We have reports from within the Vatican that special penis-shaped wafers are baked, and cardinals compete to see who can swallow the most".
He also reports that 84% of new gay porn releases contain host-nailing scenes, but that he has only reviewed 90% of new releases due to a lack of funding. "Jesus needs your donations now!" says Thurmond. "Not only has he died on the cross for you, now he is being raped and molested in Hollywood! Will you just stand there and watch? Donate to Landover Baptist Church now!"
Not that I'm trying to start a fight between you two or anything…
Oh, who am I kidding. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
