[Brother Larry]

How grateful I am to my dear brothers and sister for their most valuable input on my consideration of a possible future bride. I am forever indebted to Dr. Niles for this comprehensive and brilliant guide. I printed it for future use and will take it to heart.

However, Dr. Niles' advice will indeed be used in the future, and not with Hortense. I used the services of a private investigator only to find the following information:

1. At the age of 14, Hortense kissed a boy on the lips behind the church and then would not speak to him unless he brought her a dollar. When the boy's family found out, they told their pastor. The pastor worked with local authorities and Praise JESUS, Hortense was removed from the church. Her family moved in shame; ever since, they've been trying to pawn off this obviously used girl on unsuspecting men like me.

2. A test of the cookies proved that they were from a local bakery and not made from her own hands. The cherry pie was purchased at a Piggly Wiggly and deviously placed in a pie carrier, without the store packaging.

3. Hortense has not been baptized.

Alas, it appears that I never shall be a father nor husband. Is it possible that I was meant to be celibate and never know the joys of being able to own, chastise, and reap sons from a loving woman? I am discouraged.