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  #341  
Old 07-01-2013, 03:29 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

And if you can't protect your house from the ineptitude of a woman, how can you protect your family from the guile of Satan and his followers?
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  #342  
Old 07-01-2013, 03:34 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriid Do Vokul View Post
And if you can't protect your house from the ineptitude of a woman, how can you protect your family from the guile of Satan and his followers?
That's why you do the DIY so your wife can concentrate on things that won't burn the house down like cooking and bringing up the kids.

Seriously, what point are you trying to make? That you don't like DIY? That you hope kids will die in a blazing conflagration?



God Bless
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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  #343  
Old 07-01-2013, 05:24 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
That's why you do the DIY so your wife can concentrate on things that won't burn the house down like cooking and bringing up the kids.

Seriously, what point are you trying to make? That you don't like DIY? That you hope kids will die in a blazing conflagration?



God Bless
There was no point that I was trying to make. I was honestly asking for advice. While there may be a more appropriate place for that, I am currently not allowed to make a new thread there. Nor am I allowed to ask others via private message.
My sincerest apologies for any confusion I may have caused you.

YIC
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  #344  
Old 07-01-2013, 05:30 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriid Do Vokul View Post
There was no point that I was trying to make. I was honestly asking for advice. While there may be a more appropriate place for that, I am currently not allowed to make a new thread there. Nor am I allowed to ask others via private message.
My sincerest apologies for any confusion I may have caused you.

YIC
You protect yourself from Satan's whiles, guiles and smiles you need only read the Bible, learn it, live it and shout the message to all those dirty sinners that Jesus hates and will send to Hell

Glory!
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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  #345  
Old 07-01-2013, 05:49 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Thank you. I'll be sure to take your words to heart.
To get back on topic and paraphrase a different joke; a man and a woman were walking down the street. The woman walked into a bar. The man ducked.
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  #346  
Old 07-01-2013, 06:02 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriid Do Vokul View Post
The man ducked.
Did she not see it? How come she didn't notice the guy ducking?
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  #347  
Old 07-02-2013, 02:26 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Sitting with the old man.
"You can't touch that" I shouted.
"Why the piffle not" came the reply.
"Because you're piffleing black, you!" I told him.


Chess has become frustrating since my old man got Alzheimers.

Last edited by Mary Etheldreda; 07-02-2013 at 04:26 AM. Reason: :)
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  #348  
Old 07-13-2013, 05:39 PM
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

Number one, you have to be single and number 2, you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Methodist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #349  
Old 07-19-2013, 02:53 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

I was at a Pastor's Retreat in Tahiti last week and there was an elderly Pastor who told these jokes.

Quote:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #350  
Old 07-22-2013, 01:28 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Another good one making the rounds:

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

...also the father spanked her after the incident and informed her husband, who also spanked her.
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  #351  
Old 08-03-2013, 05:39 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.

Q: Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
A: There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.
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Old 08-05-2013, 02:02 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadHomer View Post
Excuse me pastor, I have a question, why are you such a sexist homophobic racist good christian?
Hey,Friend. No need for such language

Fear of the queers is rational thinking for any good Christian Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination

As for the sexism, it helps to keep the women in line. we dont want women walking around thinking they have the same rights as men

anyway you really should introduce your self friend : http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Your Brother in Christ,
Samuel.B
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Ezekiel 25:17. And I will strike
down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!
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  #353  
Old 08-08-2013, 08:48 PM
the unknown prophet (On Moderation) the unknown prophet is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Q) How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) I don't know, all I know is that it takes fewer men!
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  #354  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:34 AM
Lannah Aikens (Quarantined) Lannah Aikens is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong one is until she's in hot water.

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like blenders. You need one but you're not sure why.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe all they say.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like parking spots- all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I would make a joke about Pastor Ezekial, but I can only make jokes about men on here.
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  #355  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:39 AM
Lannah Aikens (Quarantined) Lannah Aikens is offline
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Lannah Aikens is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamuelB View Post
Hey,Friend. No need for such language

Fear of the queers is rational thinking for any good Christian Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination

As for the sexism, it helps to keep the women in line. we dont want women walking around thinking they have the same rights as men

anyway you really should introduce your self friend : http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forumdisplay.php?f=16

Your Brother in Christ,
Samuel.B
So who keeps men in line, Samuel? Oh yeah, you don't know what a line is because your education doesn't go that far
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  #356  
Old 08-09-2013, 05:01 PM
the unknown prophet (On Moderation) the unknown prophet is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lannah Aikens View Post
Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong one is until she's in hot water.

Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like blenders. You need one but you're not sure why.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe all they say.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like parking spots- all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I would make a joke about Pastor Ezekial, but I can only make jokes about men on here.
And what are you doing in the Promise Enforcers - MEN ONLY! forum? The point of telling jokes it to get people to laugh at your jokes, and not at you. Your purpose in coming here was apparently the opposite, correct if me I'm wrong.
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  #357  
Old 08-09-2013, 08:20 PM
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
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Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Little Rastus goes out to play and finds a tin of white paint. He pours this out and gets covered in the stuff. He returns home to a beating. As he goes to his room sobbing, he calls back, “I’ve been white for five minutes and I understand why white folk hate you nigras.”
__________________


Amen Bathfire E
We are the pure and chosen few,
And all the rest are damned.
There’s room enough in hell for you—
We don’t want heaven crammed.
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  #358  
Old 08-10-2013, 12:11 AM
James Hutchins's Avatar
James Hutchins James Hutchins is offline
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James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

A little boy and a pedophilepriest are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"MisterFather, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophilepriestreplies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
__________________
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #359  
Old 08-10-2013, 12:12 AM
James Hutchins's Avatar
James Hutchins James Hutchins is offline
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James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."
__________________
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #360  
Old 08-10-2013, 12:13 AM
James Hutchins's Avatar
James Hutchins James Hutchins is offline
True Christian™
Just a Regular Nice Guy
 

True Christian™ Silver Tither Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Provider™ award Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator TC Bravery Gunfest '09 Ready for the Rapture Punched the most queers Jailed for JESUS True Christian Caucasian The Lord’s Witness Wound Teabag Patriot Mission to Australia One Year/1000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life ex-sheep-shagger Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Hotrodder Saved 1 Year Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award True Republican Sons of Liberty Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award 20,000 posts Long service medal, 3rd class Home Schooled Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Between Lynchburg and Walton's Mountain
Posts: 24,906
James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!James Hutchins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news? Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.
__________________
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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