Liberals are always looking for free handouts like food stamps and the minimum wage. Thank the Lord we have hardworking Republicans in Congress pushing back against the socialist Red Tide...
not to be confused with the "red tide" near my company's plastics factory in China.
This 'red tide' symbolizes progress...
...but this 'Red Tide' is Godless communism!
Know the difference!
But moving on - I can safely say that food stamps are obsolete due to recent advances in technology. My company has got food production down to a science! In the past it was necessary for an average adult to eat something like 2000 to 3000 calories per day in order to maintain weight. However, this has all changed thanks to modern chemical additives like growth hormones, steroids and antibiotics, which we routinely feed to farm animals. These chemicals are designed to make cows, chickens and pigs gain weight fast, or in the case of dairy cows it increases milk production. Not surprisingly the residues in the meat and milk have the same "growth effect" on humans. Thus, a 1500-calorie Big Mac now packs the weight-gaining punch of 7000 old-fashioned traditional calories!
One burger provides enough calories for a week!
So really, it's only necessary to eat one meal every five to eight days. Surely even the most hard-up welfare queen with a Cadillac can afford that!
To make it even better, we are now adding these growth-enhancing chemicals to pet food. This is good news for grandma who is probably living on cat food already thanks to cutbacks in Socialist Security.
Good news for granny!
...and ditto for the dogfood you're feeding your kids!
What's good enough for Fido
is good enough for little Johnny!
And to make it look more appetizing, we're now making dog and cat food in bright bite-sized colors, just like breakfast cereal (actually, it's the same thing as breakfast cereal with just a different label).
Tastes as good as it looks!
In short, nobody has to starve to death in America, even without food stamps...or any real food! The USA is surely the Land of Plenty!
And all this was made possible by my company. Obviously, we have been chosen by God to serve you! The Uranus Corporation is a caring sharing multinational that you can trust to look after your best interests. We work very hard, and have surely earned our bailouts and bonuses, which are provided by The Lord. As His chosen representative, we make the clothes on your back, we count your votes and we even manufacture the food in your feeding dish. You can trust Uranus!