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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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  #381  
Old 09-19-2013, 06:22 AM
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Donovan A. Mordecai Donovan A. Mordecai is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by godslefthand View Post
Mathew 7: 1-3 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2*For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
This means, before you point your finger, make sure your hands are clean. Believe me, Friend, True Christian™ hands are spotless, even under the nails.

You obviously have no idea what The Bible says/means, or else you would not have posted such a malicious and ignorant statement


Quote:
I've read a lot of quotes where you judge people to be hellbound. I hope Jesus gives you the same judgment you have given so many.
This is as unlikely as having a civilized, intelligent conversation with belligerent unsaved trash.


Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

We're pretty tight with The Lord

Quote:
DO YOU THINK JESUS LIKES YOU PLAYING GOD?
yes

Leviticus 19:15 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.

Psalm 37:30 The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment.

Proverbs 31:9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

John 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

1st Corinthians 5:12 For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within?
1st Corinthians 5:13 But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.

1st Corinthians 6:1 Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unjust, and not before the saints?
1st Corinthians 6:2 Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters?
1st Corinthians 6:3 Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?.
1st Corinthians 6:4 If then ye have judgments of things pertaining to this life, set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church.
1st Corinthians 6:5 I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren?
1st Corinthians 6:6 But brother goeth to law with brother, and that before the unbelievers.
(Notice in particular 6:5 where Paul urges us to Judge fellow "brethren" rather than leaving it up to civil authorities.)

2nd Timothy 4:1 I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom;
2nd Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.
2nd Timothy 4:3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
2nd Timothy 4:4 And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.
2nd Timothy 4:5 But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry.

Quote:
PREPARE TO RECIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GIVEN.
True Christian™ Love©? I'm chomping at the bit!

Quote:
GOD BLESS TRUE FOLLOWERS OFF CHRIST NOT THESE "CHRISTIAN" HIPPOCRITS. THIS SITE IS NOTHING BUT RIGHT WING BULLSHITERS PUSHING THEIR OWN AGENDA. REST IN HELL
What does it take to be a True Follower™ of Christ? Because we follow The Bible, to the letter. This is the requirement of True Christendom™, I don't know what you think it takes, but you are wrong regardless.

God Bless
DAM
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  #382  
Old 09-21-2013, 07:46 AM
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WilliamJenningsBryan WilliamJenningsBryan is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

For heaven's sake someone should infract this little twit godslefthand and throw him out of here. There are plenty of other threads around here where he can take his whiny complaints. A man slaves all day doing the Lord's work and just wants to sit down, have a beer, and take up some manly belly laughs with Jesus for Christ's sake.

And now for an entertaining limerick to set a more festive mood.


There once was a pervert named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.
Forced from the hill for acting like Bill,
now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

Moral: If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat.
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  #383  
Old 09-22-2013, 06:45 PM
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Buttlover (On Moderation) Buttlover is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Heres a good one.
For Dads there is Fathers Day,
For mothers there is Mothers Day,
For Lovers there is Valentines Day
but for Wankers there is the Lake of Fire.
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  #384  
Old 09-25-2013, 09:38 PM
Alvin Moss's Avatar
Alvin Moss Alvin Moss is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

This story is said by learned men to be true, but it is amusing in a way, so I will tell it.

In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British and the Germans are the administrators.

In Hell, the English do the cooking, the Germans are the police and the French are in charge of everything.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven Ecclesiastes 3:1
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  #385  
Old 09-29-2013, 08:58 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Why do Jews have such big noses?

Because they killed Jesus and rejected His temporary sacrifice.
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  #386  
Old 09-29-2013, 12:38 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A mother once asked her young son "What is President's Day?"
The lad thought a bit and scratched his head, and here is what he did say.

On President's Day Obongo steps out amid the liberal cheers
But you and I know
If he sees his shadow
It means record unemployment for three more years.
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  #387  
Old 09-29-2013, 03:23 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Some years ago, the Lord came to the conclusion that the little house next to the Pearly Gates was looking a little shabby and He told Peter to get some estimates to fix it up. God thought some of that vinyl siding would be just fine.

Soon thereafter, a young man who was a Mexican, though saved, arrived for his Heavenly reward. Peter welcomed him and found that he had been a vinyl siding installer in life, so he asked him for an estimate. The young man took measurements and told Peter he would do the job for $2500.

Peter asked if the young man would break down (or explain the various costs) the job for him. The young man said the materials would cost $2500 and he would do the job for free, so glad he was to be in Heaven. Peter said that sounded pretty good, but God said to get three estimates.

Within days, an old and experienced contractor appeared at the gates and Peter asked him for an estimate. The old man took extensive and exact measurements, did some calculations and said the job would cost $5,000.

Peter said that was kind of high, but could he break it down for him. The old contractor explained that he would do the job exactly as it should be done, using only the best materials, with a lifetime factory guarantee, and that he would be using only the most expert labor to do the job. Peter thought that sounded reasonable, but he needed to get one more estimate.

A couple of weeks passed and an old siding salesman who had risen high in that business, it was Uncle Sol himself, appeared for his reward. Now, Uncle Sol was a Jew, but a shrewd one. He realized that if he was going to get to Heaven, he had to get right with Jesus and he did. Shout Glory! As an aside- Uncle Sol was killed by doing remodeling jobs, which has killed more Jews than Hitler.

Well, Peter asked Uncle Sol for the last estimate. Sol glanced over at the little house and said it would cost $22,500.

Brother Peter was flabberghasted. "Sol!", he cried, "that is nine times as high as the lowest bid and $17,500 more than the next. How did you come up with that? Break it down for me."

Uncle Sol said, "That's $10,000 for you, $10,000 for me and we'll let the Mexican do it."

They were friends for ever after.
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  #388  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:02 PM
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AnAtheist1 AnAtheist1 is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

You're all mentally damaged people.
Women=Men, and i'm a dude.Straight.
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  #389  
Old 09-29-2013, 04:11 PM
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Billy Bob Jenkins Billy Bob Jenkins is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
You're all mentally damaged people.
Women=Men, and i'm a dude.Straight.
Friend, didn't you just get finished telling us in another thread how terrible your childhood was? You need to open your heart to Jesus so that he can remove the splinter from your soul. Otherwise you are just going to continue embarrassing yourself on the internet until He kills you and sends you to your aeternal doom.

I am sorry that your mother didn't love you enough to marry your father. Truly sorry. Perhaps I could teach you all the things a father is supposed to teach a son, like how to talk to women, how to shave, how to put on a pair of pants, how to drive... I would do it for you, but also to prevent you from being a complete burden to the community. For every mongoloid out there begging on the streets, exposing himself to children, someone's tax dollars have to pay for his therapy.
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  #390  
Old 09-29-2013, 05:37 PM
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AnAtheist1 AnAtheist1 is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
Friend, didn't you just get finished telling us in another thread how terrible your childhood was? You need to open your heart to Jesus so that he can remove the splinter from your soul. Otherwise you are just going to continue embarrassing yourself on the internet until He kills you and sends you to your aeternal doom.

I am sorry that your mother didn't love you enough to marry your father. Truly sorry. Perhaps I could teach you all the things a father is supposed to teach a son, like how to talk to women, how to shave, how to put on a pair of pants, how to drive... I would do it for you, but also to prevent you from being a complete burden to the community. For every mongoloid out there begging on the streets, exposing himself to children, someone's tax dollars have to pay for his therapy.
1- My mother is happily married with my father.
2- I wouldn't let you teach me nothing, not even how to shut up.
3-I never heard that Jesus killed, but nevermind. That's just everyone's opinion
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  #391  
Old 09-29-2013, 06:02 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
1- My mother is happily married with my father.
2- I wouldn't let you teach me nothing, not even how to shut up.
3-I never heard that Jesus killed, but nevermind. That's just everyone's opinion
Young lady, this area is for males.

YIC
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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  #392  
Old 09-29-2013, 06:06 PM
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Didymus Much Didymus Much is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
...2- I wouldn't let you teach me nothing...
What about double negatives?

Stay in school.
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1 Corinthians 1:27 "But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;" The Bible confounds me; does that mean...
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  #393  
Old 09-29-2013, 06:16 PM
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WilliamJenningsBryan WilliamJenningsBryan is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
1- My mother is happily married with my father.
2- I wouldn't let you teach me nothing, not even how to shut up.
3-I never heard that Jesus killed, but nevermind. That's just everyone's opinion
That's not even a joke, let alone a manly one (look at the thread title).

NEW RULES

Anyone posting whining complaints or derails this thread from its stated purpose is either going to be banned or will earn themselves a trip to Quarantine.

Not only does this place Jesus in a foul mood, it places the rest of the God Fearing men around here in a foul mood. We come here to share some special time with Jesus - so get over it.
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  #394  
Old 09-29-2013, 09:52 PM
Billy Bob Jenkins's Avatar
Billy Bob Jenkins Billy Bob Jenkins is offline
Family Man of the Year 2010-2013
About as Straight and Manly as you can get
Hates anal sex. And trees.
 

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Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
1- My mother is happily married with my father.
2- I wouldn't let you teach me nothing, not even how to shut up.
3-I never heard that Jesus killed, but nevermind. That's just everyone's opinion
It's okay, son. I will still be here for you when you are done with your awkward adolescence. That is a father's job.

If you see your mother, tell her I love her too, and forgive her for cheating on me with anything that moves.
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  #395  
Old 09-30-2013, 12:09 AM
Brother Larry Brother Larry is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A pastor of the local Baptist church was walking by the home of one of his congregation when he noticed the man out on the front porch laughing and laughing.

"Share the joy, son," said the pastor. "What has made you so full of merriment?"

"Oh, I just had an argument with my wife," said the man, as he continued to laugh uncontrollably.

"But if you had an argument, why are you laughing?"

"Well, I told my wife to fix my supper and keep the kids away from me so I could pray and read God's Word. She said, 'I don't have to do what you say.' So I locked her in the bedroom along with my daughter, sent my son to spend the night with his grandparents, and here I am."

The two men spent the next hour laughing at the stupid woman's stupidity.

"Stupid women," said the pastor.

It's good to be male.
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  #396  
Old 09-30-2013, 08:18 AM
AnAtheist1's Avatar
AnAtheist1 AnAtheist1 is offline
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AnAtheist1 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.AnAtheist1 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
It's okay, son. I will still be here for you when you are done with your awkward adolescence. That is a father's job.
If you see your mother, tell her I love her too, and forgive her for cheating on me with anything that moves.
Hey. This. Crosses. The. Line.
Son of a bitch, take that back. This is a place for mentally damaged people, like you, bastard. What kind of F U C K I N G place is this?
F U C K OFF, bastards sons of bitches.
Uh, and tell your daughter that the place she's working in it's not safe, she might not get paid for her work. I mean, that street corner is just too dangerous.
F U C K OFF FROM THIS F U C K I N G PLANET.
Save humanity from death. Kill yourselves.
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  #397  
Old 09-30-2013, 08:31 AM
Billy Bob Jenkins's Avatar
Billy Bob Jenkins Billy Bob Jenkins is offline
Family Man of the Year 2010-2013
About as Straight and Manly as you can get
Hates anal sex. And trees.
 

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Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Billy Bob Jenkins will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
Hey. This. Crosses. The. Line.
Son of a bitch, take that back. This is a place for mentally damaged people, like you, bastard. What kind of F U C K I N G place is this?
F U C K OFF, bastards sons of bitches.
Uh, and tell your daughter that the place she's working in it's not safe, she might not get paid for her work. I mean, that street corner is just too dangerous.
F U C K OFF FROM THIS F U C K I N G PLANET.
Save humanity from death. Kill yourselves.
Dear friend, I am not angry. I am glad God created you, even though you are choosing to burn in Hell with your family and friends because you love sin more than Him. I will pray that you stop defending sodomites and whores and start defending the poor defenseless baby Jesus instead.

God loves you, because He gave you an undeserved chance at salvation, even though you hate Him and His elect. Does your mother love you so much that she would temporarily die for you? It sounds to me like she would rather lie to you about everything. She lied to you about Jesus. She lied to you about who your father was (she pretended to know). Your mother doomed your eternal soul with her lies and her whoredoms.

I am your true friend. You should listen to me. Because all I am telling you is to listen to God's word, as preserved in the King James Bible.
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  #398  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:16 AM
Scott Cole's Avatar
Scott Cole Scott Cole is offline
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Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™Scott Cole is a True Christian™
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
Hey. This. Crosses. The. Line.
Son of a bitch, take that back. This is a place for mentally damaged people, like you, bastard. What kind of F U C K I N G place is this?
F U C K OFF, bastards sons of bitches.
Uh, and tell your daughter that the place she's working in it's not safe, she might not get paid for her work. I mean, that street corner is just too dangerous.
F U C K OFF FROM THIS F U C K I N G PLANET.
Save humanity from death. Kill yourselves.
Friend whats with the hostility's? Please remember that none of us have asked you to be here, you came here on your own free will. You cried about your abusive mother and your lack of social skills, none of us have provoked you what so ever Son. Please get right with Jesus and allow him to enter your body and soul to cleanse you of all the evil memory's you have of your terrible childhood. It truly saddens me to see you in such distress WE care about you! JESUS cares about you!

Get well soon friend!
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  #399  
Old 09-30-2013, 12:44 PM
James Hutchins's Avatar
James Hutchins James Hutchins is offline
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Smile Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
Hey. This. Crosses. The. Line.
Son of a bitch, take that back. This is a place for mentally damaged people, like you, bastard. What kind of F U C K I N G place is this?
F U C K OFF, bastards sons of bitches.
Uh, and tell your daughter that the place she's working in it's not safe, she might not get paid for her work. I mean, that street corner is just too dangerous.
F U C K OFF FROM THIS F U C K I N G PLANET.
Save humanity from death. Kill yourselves.
My goodness! It certainly sounds like you have a bad case of anal demons.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.

Unless you are Saved™ by Jesus Christ and His Holy website and favorite church, Landover Baptist, there is no other way to avoid this.
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #400  
Old 09-30-2013, 02:06 PM
Alvin Moss's Avatar
Alvin Moss Alvin Moss is offline
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Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Alvin Moss is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnAtheist1 View Post
Hey. This. Crosses. The. Line.
Son of a bitch, take that back. This is a place for mentally damaged people, like you, bastard. What kind of F U C K I N G place is this?
F U C K OFF, bastards sons of bitches.
Uh, and tell your daughter that the place she's working in it's not safe, she might not get paid for her work. I mean, that street corner is just too dangerous.
F U C K OFF FROM THIS F U C K I N G PLANET.
Save humanity from death. Kill yourselves.

Strong language is never appreciated.
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God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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