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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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  #1  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:38 AM
Naomi Ruth Lamb's Avatar
Naomi Ruth Lamb Naomi Ruth Lamb is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Apostle's Park Court, Freehold USA
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Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

Marla Jennings, True Christian ™ Realtor, is on vacation and I received the following letter from the Property Manager at Leviticus Landings:

"Dear Miss Lamb:

We are in receipt of your application to purchase a condo at Leviticus Landings for your parents. The Board has a few concerns:

1. One or more of your parents is reported to have early onset dementia. We consider this tantamount to demon possession.
2. Special consideration for approval of this purchase has not yet been given by the senior pastors of Landover Baptist Church.

No one is allowed to reside in Freehold's gated community if they have the smallest speck of sin stains. We need to be assured that a senior pastor has declared both of your parents to be free of sin. We therefore recommend the Buyer's Exorcism and Soul Cleansing package as an addendum to your sales contract. Not only will this speed your purchase, but it will give you peace of mind in knowing that your loved ones will enter heaven's gates after they enter ours..."

Is there an extra charge for this package? Can one of the senior pastors see that I get a package in my hands soon? Is there a safe community outside of Freehold where my parents could live comfortably? Will they be relegated to the bleacher seats for Sunday Services, or can I get passes for the Holy of Holy Inner Sanctuary for them? So many details, so much red tape.

Yours in Him,
NRL
__________________
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in Iowa, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Texas and soon near YOU!

Our pie is endorsed by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2014, 02:31 AM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
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see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

Quote:
Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
Marla Jennings, True Christian ™ Realtor, is on vacation and I received the following letter from the Property Manager at Leviticus Landings:

"Dear Miss Lamb:

We are in receipt of your application to purchase a condo at Leviticus Landings for your parents. The Board has a few concerns:

1. One or more of your parents is reported to have early onset dementia. We consider this tantamount to demon possession.
2. Special consideration for approval of this purchase has not yet been given by the senior pastors of Landover Baptist Church.

No one is allowed to reside in Freehold's gated community if they have the smallest speck of sin stains. We need to be assured that a senior pastor has declared both of your parents to be free of sin. We therefore recommend the Buyer's Exorcism and Soul Cleansing package as an addendum to your sales contract. Not only will this speed your purchase, but it will give you peace of mind in knowing that your loved ones will enter heaven's gates after they enter ours..."

Is there an extra charge for this package? Can one of the senior pastors see that I get a package in my hands soon? Is there a safe community outside of Freehold where my parents could live comfortably? Will they be relegated to the bleacher seats for Sunday Services, or can I get passes for the Holy of Holy Inner Sanctuary for them? So many details, so much red tape.

Yours in Him,
NRL
Just sign the papers and give your account details. The pastors will take care of your package with the utmost care and fulfill it to perfection.

As noted in your realtor's information your old mother will be saved if you take that choice, as for the placement (and depending on her condition) it might be outside of view, for both her and everybody else's good.

But as mentioned in another post, you should consider the financial impact of the additional burden, it would be most unwise to spend all on your mother and not having enough for yourself.

As you don't have a father nor a husband, feel free to ask any TRUE CHRISTIAN man to help you with your package and instruction.

PRAISE THE LORD!
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  #3  
Old 01-23-2014, 04:45 AM
Naomi Ruth Lamb's Avatar
Naomi Ruth Lamb Naomi Ruth Lamb is offline
By Appointment to Hon. Mayor of Freehold, Purveyor of Moist Baked Goods
True Christian™

Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus Pro-Life Best Pie True Christian™ Cleanest Kitchen True Christian Lady Prayer Warrior True Christian Homemaker Most Obedient Best stoning bucket True Christian Beauty Paula Deen Negro Support Group TC Bravery Early riser Proud Niglet Sponsorer In Love With Zeke Persecuted Real American™ The Lord’s Witness Wound TC Bravery Touched by Jesus Heart of compassion True Republican Christian Love Kirk Cameron Fan Club 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Apostle's Park Court, Freehold USA
Posts: 637
Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

Marla phoned me from Aruba today. She said to tell everyone hello and she's praying Jesus will send some of the warmth she's enjoying to all of us. (Then she giggled that precious giggle of hers - bless her heart.)

I signed and Fed Exed the application, including the exorcism package. Mother will be seen for exorcism when Pastor Zeke or his designee is available once the sale goes through. Marla doesn't see any problems with moving in by March 1.

See the Light, my father is alive and well. I am sorry you misunderstood; that is my fault as a woman for not being clear enough.

Still trying to get in touch with Vavoline unless someone else knows an available maid. Mother and Father will be fine after the exorcism but I would prefer having someone that can look in on them when I am busy selling and baking pie.

Brother Mark, have you made any decisions about where you're moving yet? Marla is awesome. Just keep your hands off of Apostle's Park Court, sir!
__________________
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in Iowa, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Texas and soon near YOU!

Our pie is endorsed by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-23-2014, 04:50 AM
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Posts: 76,199
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

I'm not that keen on the idea of an unattached female flitting around in Apostle's Grove.
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #5  
Old 01-23-2014, 05:00 AM
Naomi Ruth Lamb's Avatar
Naomi Ruth Lamb Naomi Ruth Lamb is offline
By Appointment to Hon. Mayor of Freehold, Purveyor of Moist Baked Goods
True Christian™

Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus Pro-Life Best Pie True Christian™ Cleanest Kitchen True Christian Lady Prayer Warrior True Christian Homemaker Most Obedient Best stoning bucket True Christian Beauty Paula Deen Negro Support Group TC Bravery Early riser Proud Niglet Sponsorer In Love With Zeke Persecuted Real American™ The Lord’s Witness Wound TC Bravery Touched by Jesus Heart of compassion True Republican Christian Love Kirk Cameron Fan Club 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Apostle's Park Court, Freehold USA
Posts: 637
Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Naomi Ruth Lamb will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I'm not that keen on the idea of an unattached female flitting around in Apostle's Grove.
Most of my day will be spent on Paul Crouch Drive. My time at home will be spent in prayer, fasting, and serving the people of the neighborhood. (Wink, wink)

Still have problems with it, Pastor? I will have a spare key that I need someone to hold. I just can't imagine who to ask.
__________________
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in Iowa, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Texas and soon near YOU!

Our pie is endorsed by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-23-2014, 05:03 AM
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Posts: 76,199
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Help Me Understand the Purchase Application

Quote:
Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
Most of my day will be spent on Paul Crouch Drive. My time at home will be spent in prayer, fasting, and serving the people of the neighborhood. (Wink, wink)

Still have problems with it, Pastor? I will have a spare key that I need someone to hold. I just can't imagine who to ask.
You only think you have a spare key.
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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