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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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Old 05-23-2014, 05:45 PM
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Angry LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

Friends,

I need to report a VERY disturbing incident that happened yesterday in the Landover Baptist Semenary for Jr Pastors.

It was a typical Wednesday, Abigail prepared my lunch and I made my way to over to the lecture hall. As I was walking down the stairs I overheard a conversation:

"No really, it is that big!!"

"Yeah right, then show us!!"

"No it's not, that's not 10 inches."

10 inches!! That is one thick thesis, I thought. When I rounded the corner, the smile came off my face faster than a lightening bolt from God. To my horror, Jr. Pastor David Austen was standing with his pants around his ankles and surrounded by the other Jr. Pastors...staring...at....it!!

He quickly whipped up his pants, but viewing it, they were right, that wasn't 10 inches. I was immediately reminded of a passage in the book of Leviticus, and as True Christian™, it is my duty to educate our Pastors-in-Training. This was not easy, but I had him drop his pants and measured his seed dispenser. It was in fact only 9 inches. Now LISTEN UP, ALL OF YOU!!!

Leviticus 19:35 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

Or in measure....what does the Bible tell us about lying?

Proverbs 19:9 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.

So I lectured him; what if Sister Basillisa happened to walk in? There are no heart defibrillators in the semenary!! What if Brother Ex-Gay Alex walked in, he might have a full on relapse!! How would I explain to David Austin's mother he was viciously raped - and that would be two members of the congregation gone. It was at that moment Pastor Ezekiel walked in and stopped dead in his tracks, he was visibly shaken.

"WHAT IS THIS?"

After I explained to him what had happened, he merely told David to follow him. I have not seen them since. I can only assume there is some serious Bible study going on.

The measure of your manhood is not something to be proud of or boast about (Proverbs 11:2 I should know). It is a tool of Jesus for creating Soldiers for Christ!!! And that's IT!!
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Old 05-23-2014, 08:38 PM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

I am totally shocked!
I must have a serious private discussion with this young man, and explain to him how this can affect younger women such as Sister Basilissa. He clearly has no understanding of the consequences!
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Old 05-23-2014, 08:47 PM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

It is really embarassing for me to buy shoes. I don't want to tell the salesgirl my shoe size!

When I visit my cousins in Lee's Summit, Mo, I make a mission to visit the Ross Dress for Less stores in Olathe, Lawrence, Independence, Blue Springs, and Northwest Kansas City, because they have racks of shoes that you can try on without having to bother anyone. It is still embarrassing to be seen in the 13-and-up section, but the stores are usually empty except on senior Tuesdays, I've met some fine ladies waiting in the cashier's line.
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Old 05-24-2014, 04:46 AM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

I never really saw the big deal over the size of one's tallywhacker. Mine's about the size of my thumb, and that is OK. It's big enough to impregnate my wife about once a year, and it gives me enough leverage so that I can hit my target when I spill urine.

It's the tallywhacker Jesus wanted me to have, His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. When we can't understand His reasons, we may yet rejoice in His promises.
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Old 05-24-2014, 12:10 PM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

Quote:
...He quickly whipped up his pants, but viewing it, they were right, that wasn't 10 inches. I was immediately reminded of a passage in the book of Leviticus, and as True Christian™, it is my duty to educate our Pastors-in-Training. This was not easy, but I had him drop his pants and measured his seed dispenser. It was in fact only 9 inches...
Brother John,

You once again exemplify the virtues of a True Christian™ educator! You have probably saved the eternal sould of these young men by your promt and stern intervention.

I am, however, afraid that I must bring you some more data that may disturb you even further. The young man you examined, while less well equipped than he boasted, still shows anatomical signs of being a homer.

Please, let me elaborate.

The incident remainded me of a secular ungodly study that appeared some years ago (Bogaert & Hershberger 1999: The Relation between sexual orientation and penile size. Arch. Sex. Behav. 28:213-221). While ungodly scolars are notorious for being unable to interpret data, they probably can do simple measurements. Bogaert & Hershberger found out that homersexual men have longer and sturdier tallywhackers than heterosexuals.

This puts (expectedly) Brother Jedediah (and yours truly) very, very (very) clearly within the heterosexual realm, but your student is undoubtedly a homer in need of correctice rod and repentance. Furthermore, I hope you do not hesitate to share your own personal data with us.

I think you should use this method of simple measurement as a surrogate for a gaydar to recognize any potential gaysexuals in your class. It is less obtrusive and can be conducted without too much ado.

Psalms 26:2-3 is very relevant in this case:

Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart.
For thy lovingkindness [is] before mine eyes: and I have walked in thy truth.


Thank you again for bringing this to our attention.


Praise God, Praise Jesus!


Yours in Christ,


Elmer
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Old 05-24-2014, 12:53 PM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

If, as a mere woman, I may be permitted to comment, I am very glad to see Brother Jedediah and Brother Elmer proving their heterosexuality here, and not just through the size (or lack thereof) of their tallywhackers. Their willingness to discuss their modest dimensions, without exaggeration, shows that they are true heterosexual men who understand the needs of their wives.

Let me explain. The act of pushing out Soldiers for Christ is one of the most uncomfortable that a woman experiences. How grateful we are, then, when the act of procreation, i.e. putting them there in the first place, is minimally invasive. If a heterosexual man feels the need to brag at all, in defiance of Jeremiah 9:23, then it should be about small dimensions rather than large ones.

How I wish there was a tallywhacker equivalent of the old saying about women's secondary sex characteristics, More than a handful is wasted.

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Old 05-24-2014, 01:10 PM
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Default Re: LBC JR. PASTORS!! Lying about the size of your MANHOOD is a SIN!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Attila's Wife View Post
How I wish there was a tallywhacker equivalent of the old saying about women's secondary sex characteristics, More than a handful is wasted.

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