Has there ever been a more haunted and demon plagued team than the Cubs? Their last World Series of Baseball, played exclusively by Godly American teams, was in 1908.
A mere 37 years into their World Series drought the Cubs made it to the World Series again.
It was then, a witch named Billy Sianis was ejected from Wrigley Field because the smell of his pet goat was offending the other attendees. He had much like Balaam, attempted to affect the game in the Cubs favor. But after security ejected him and his goat, he turned the curse against them. "Them Cubs, they ain't gonna win no more."
The Cubs led the Series 2 games to 1 until losing to the Detroit Tigers that day, 4 runs to 1, and eventually lost the Series 4-3 and they have never returned. This curse has been so powerful that it has not, as of this writing, been breakable.
1908 was incidentally the first year Harry Caray (the Japanese word for suicide) became their announcer. Radio wasn't yet invented, so he just said stupid things really loudly for the audience sitting there.
Get a real announcer, like Jack Buck, you clowns.
The Cubs have tried in vain to break the curse. Instead of turning to Jesus, they have employed even more witchcraft.
The Witchcraft Attempts
The Cubs fans are truly dedicated to their Dark Lord Satan. They have shown a real appetite for macabre and disgusting ways to offend ours and Jesus' delicate sensibilities.
- The nephew of Billy Sianis has been brought to Wrigley field with a goat for games twice. In both of those years, the Cubs won their division, but the World Series curse was not broken.
- In a grisly 2007 incident, a dead goat was found hung from the statue of Harry Caray.
- Another attempt at witchcraft was tried in 2008, when a Greek Orthodox priest sprinkled holy water on the Cubs dugout. Of course that didn't help matters. You would need a real Christian to pray over that demon infested mess.
In 2003, the Cubs were 5 outs away from the World Series. They led the series 3 games to 2. They had a 3-0 lead. Things were looking like it was finally going to happen for them, when the very offended hand of God swooped in to deny them. I believe it was all the witchcraft and goat hangings God knew the Cubs fans would commit in the future that played a part in this. A fan, probably led by God, named Steve Bartman reached over to catch a ball that one of the players had a real chance to get. Bartman was so hated and vilified after the incident, that he had to leave Chicago. He probably moved to Miami, where baseball fans welcomed him with open arms, as long as he didn't sit anywhere near the field.
The Cubs completely melted down for the rest of the series and their opponents, the Florida Marlins went on to win the World Series.
The Obama Connection.
And let's not forget that the Cubs are Obama's favorite team. He likes the Chicago White Sox? Yeah, well the Cubs are from the same city as Obama, so that makes them evil. And as we feel it to be true, Chicago is the murder capital of the world. Could that have anything to do with why the city and the team are such incredible cesspools? Could it be the evil witchcraft coming from Wrigley Field that infects the whole city?
I would also like to point out that their "rivals", if you can really call it that (To have a rivalry, both teams have to win sometimes.) the St. Louis Cardinals have won the World Series of Baseball 11 times since the last time the Cubs have. And just because the Cardinals are not in it this year, doesn't make the Cubs any good. You will only have to win it 10 more times to be as good as the Cardinals, even if you somehow managed to break the curse this year. Which you won't!
I wonder how the curse will manifest itself this year? Maybe another Bartman? Maybe a great many balls will get lost in the ivy, which is so stupid. You can't just have a regular wall. No, you have to plant some jungle of plants that the ball can get lost in. And you get a special rule for when that happens, that no other team gets because you're the lovable old losers who haven't won anything since 1908.
Sure, the fans like, liberal Satanist, Bill Murray try to pretend like they are not afraid of the curse, but we all know that's a lie. If you play with witchcraft, you are bound to get burnt.