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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Old 01-17-2011, 02:31 AM
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Exclamation Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demons!

Hello friends! It has come to the attention of the True Christian™ menfolk here that most of the unsaved trash that wander in here are woefully misinformed about demons, and it was decided that a public safety announcement was needed. You have no idea how honored I was when they asked me to help with the report (somebody had to make the coffee )! So, without further ado, here is everything you unsaved trash NEED to know about demons!

Basic Facts about Demons

Demons are a very real force in this world, and they are fallen angels who've sinned and decided to serve Satan (Revelation 12:9, Ezekiel 28:14 and Jude 6). They, like angels, probably have a lot of wings (Isaiah 6:2), and they are very powerful (Psalm 8:4-5), though they aren't omniscient (Matthew 24:36). They enjoy possessing people (Mark 5:1-20 and Acts 16:16-19), pretending to be righteous (2 Corinthians 11:14-15), tormenting people (2 Corinthians 12:7), whores (Leviticus 17:7) and sacrifices (Deuteronomy 32:17, Psalm 106:37, 1 Corinthians 10:20 and others).

How to Recognize a Demon Attack

Now that you know how to recognize a demon, it's imperative that you know how to recognize a demon attack. Luckily, the Bible tells us exactly what we need to look out for. Here is a list of things that are indicative of demonic assault, though it's important to remember demons are crafty and symptoms of possession aren't just limited to this list.

Are you or somebody you know:

Hanging around graveyards? (Mark 5:2-3)
Exhibiting unnatural strength? (Mark 5:4)
Crying? (Mark 5:5)
Cutting themselves or listening to "emo" music? (Mark 5:5)
Casting spells? (Acts 16:16)
Angry at True Christians™? (Acts 16:19)
Dumb? (Matthew 9:32-33)
Deaf and/or blind? (Matthew 12:22)
A young daughter? (Mark 7:25)
Crazy? (Matthew 7:14-18)
Hanging around synagogues? (Mark 1:23)
A harlot? (Mark 16:9)
Sick? (Matthew 4:24)
Making false prophecies? (1 Kings 22:22-23)
Not a True Christian™? (1 Corinthians 10:20-21)

If any of these are true, chances are you're possessed by a demon (or many demons, see Mark 5:9 for clarification)! This is absolutely horrible, but don't worry, there IS hope.

What to do in Case of a Demonic Possession

First of all, DON'T PANIC! Second of all, DON'T CONTACT THE CATLICK CHURCH! Demon infestations, while absolutely horrible, are fairly common and can be dealt with easily by True Christians™, so as long as you contact a pastor and set up a generous tithing program you should be fine. You definitely should NOT contact a catlick exorcist though, because they aren't true believers and usually make problems with demons worse.

Once a True Christian™ pastor generously gets rid of your demons, it is imperative that you fully accept Jesus and convert to True Christianity™ to keep the demon infestation from reoccurring. True Christians™ are perfect, we are the only people who are totally immune to demons. We know this because we are completely invincible (Luke 10:19), are protected by the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and are the only people able to successfully cast out devils (Mark 16:17)

Remember, please report any suspicions of demonic activity to a True Christian™ man. Only you can prevent demon infestations!
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"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

An Important Reminder for all unSaved© Ladies
Protect Yourself! Important Information about Demons
My five Six Step Guide to Stopping Your Miserable Harlotry!
Do you hate fornication? Join the Junior Anti-Sex League and help stop it today!
An Open Question to All false christians.

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Old 01-17-2011, 07:47 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

AMEN!

Even the secular horror movies prove that calling in the Catholics never works.
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:24 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Can you please define, 'common', when you use it in reference to how often people are possessed?
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Old 01-17-2011, 08:33 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReallyImAChristian View Post
Can you please define, 'common', when you use it in reference to how often people are possessed?
Well, since True Christians™ are the only people with the power to cast out demons (Mark 16:17), then it's logical to assume that everybody who isn't a True Christian™ must have some demonic activity in them. Of course, I'm sure this can range from very low (Pentecostals and Southern Baptists) to incredibly high (catlicks and atheists), though I'm sure you would have to ask one of our Creation Scientists™ for the full details.
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"Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him." Matthew 21:31-32

An Important Reminder for all unSaved© Ladies
Protect Yourself! Important Information about Demons
My five Six Step Guide to Stopping Your Miserable Harlotry!
Do you hate fornication? Join the Junior Anti-Sex League and help stop it today!
An Open Question to All false christians.

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  #5  
Old 01-18-2011, 03:33 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
Second of all, DON'T CONTACT THE CATLICK CHURCH!
You impertinent woman! Do you want to get those who are possessed KILLED? The ONLY thing you can do is contact the Holy Roman Catholic Church!

We have been in the exorcism business for 2,000 years. Are you sure you aren't possessed? Just in case, read this:

Quote:
Exorcizo te, omnis spiritus immunde, in nomine Dei (X) Patris omnipotentis, et in noimine Jesu (X) Christi Filii ejus, Domini et Judicis nostri, et in virtute Spiritus (X) Sancti, ut descedas ab hoc plasmate Dei (name), quod Dominus noster ad templum sanctum suum vocare dignatus est, ut fiat templum Dei vivi, et Spiritus Sanctus habitet in eo. Per eumdem Christum Dominum nostrum, qui venturus est judicare vivos et mortuos, et saeculum per ignem.
Everywhere you see (X) make the sign of the Catholic cross on yourself. This is very important. if you fail to do this, or do it at the wrong time, you may STRENGTHEN the demon instead of weakening it.

Translation for those too ignorant of basic Latin, the Holy Language of God and Mother Mary:
Quote:
I exorcise thee, every unclean spirit, in the name of God (X) the Father Almighty, and in the name of Jesus (X) Christ, His Son, our Lord and Judge, and in the power of the Holy Spirit, that thou depart from this creature of God, (persons' name) which our Lord hath designed to call unto His holy temple, that it may be made the temple of the living God, and that the Holy Spirit (X) may dwell therein. Through the same Christ our Lord, who shall come to judge the living and the dead, and the world by fire.
Just so we are all clear, this is JUST THE BEGINNING. A trained priest will then do the rest of the ritual as listed below. If you think you have a demon possession on your hands, contact your local Catholic church. Our rates are very reasonable.

Quote:
THE REST OF THE RITUAL:

The priest wets his hands with spittle from his mouth, and touches the ears and nostrils of the person. And in touching first the right ear and then the left, says:


Ephpheta, quod est, Adaperire.
  • Be opened!
Then he touches the nostrils, saying:


In odorem suavitatis. Tu autem effugare, diabole; appropinquabit enim judicium Dei.


For a savor of sweetness:
  • And to you, O devil, begone!
  • For the judgment of God is at hand.
He then interrogates the person by name saying:


Priest. Abrenuntias satanae?
  • Do you renounce Satan?
Person. Abrenuntio.
  • I do renounce him.
Priest. Et omnibus operibus ejus?
  • And all his works?
Person. Abrenuntio.
  • I do renounce his works.
Priest. Et omnibus pompis ejus?
  • And all his pomps?
Person. Abrenuntio.
  • I renounce his pomps.
The priest then dips his thumb into the Oil of Catechumens, and anoints the person upon the breast and between the shoulders, in the form of a cross (X), saying:


Priest. Ego to linio (X) oleo salutis in Christo Jesu Domino nostro, ut habeas vitam aeternam.
  • I anoint thee (X) with the oil of salvation in Christ Jesus, our Lord, that thou mayest have life everlasting.
Person. Amen.


Next the priest wipes his thumb and the places anointed with cotton. Then he puts aside the violet stole, and puts on another of white color. And he interrogates the person to be delivered by name.


Priest. Credis in Deum Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae?
  • Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty, Ceator of heaven and earth?
Person. Credo.
  • I believe.
Priest. Credis in Jesum Christum Filium ejus unicum, Dominum nostrum, natum, et pasum?
  • Do you believe in Jesus Christ, His only son, our Lord, who was born, and suffered for us?
Person. Credo.
  • I believe.
Priest. Credis et in Spiritum Sanctum, sanctam Ecclesiam Catholicam, Sanctorum communionem, remissionem pecatorum, carnis resurrectionem, et vitam aeternam?
  • Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the remission of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting?
Person. Credo.
  • I believe.
Priest. Vis baptizari?
  • Will you be baptized?
Person. Volo.
  • I will.
The priest takes the baptismal water and pours it over the person in the form of a cross (X) three times pronouncing these words only once distinctly and attentively:


Priest. Ego te baptizo in nomine Patris (X) (Pour) et, Filii (X) (pour) et Spiritus (X) (pour) Sancti.
  • I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Then the priest dips his thumb into the holy chrism, anoints the person upon the crown of the head in the form of a Cross (X) saying:


Priest. Deus omnipotens, Pater Domini nostri Jesu Christi, qui te regeneravit ex aqua et Spiritu Sancto, quique dedit tibe remissionem omnium peccatorum, ipse te liniat (X) Christmate salutis in eodem Christo Jesu Domino nostro in vitam aeternam.
  • May Almight God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, He who hath regenerated you by water and the Holy Spirit, and given thee remission of all thy sins, anoint thee (X) with the chrism of salvation, in the name of the Christ Jesus our Lord; unto life everlasting.
Person. Amen.


Priest. Pax tibi.
  • Peace be unto you.
Person. Et cum spiritu tuo.
  • And to you also.
Then the priest wipes his thumb and the place anointed with cotton and puts upon the head of the person a white linen cloth, saying:


Priest. Accipe vestem candidam, quam perferas immaculatam ante tribunal Domini nostri Jesus Christi, ut habeas vitam aeterna.
  • Receive this white garment, which mayest thou bear without stain before the judgment seat of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you may have life everlasting.
Then the priest lights a candle and gives it to the person saying:


Priest. Accipe lampadem ardentem, et irreprehensibilis custodi Baptismum tuum: serva Dei mandata, ut, cum Dominus venerit ad nuptias, possis occurrere ei una cum omnibus Sanctis in aula caelesti, et vivas in saecula saeculorum.
  • Receive this burning light, and keep thy Baptism so as to be without blame: keep the commandments of God, that when the Lord shall come to the nuptials, you may meet Him together with all the saints in the heavenly court, and may have eternal life and live for ever and ever.
Priest. Amen.
Person. Amen.


Priest. Vade (Ite) in pace, et Dominus sit tecum (vobiscum).
  • Go in peace, and the Lord be with you.
Person Amen.
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:05 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

If I happen to find Linda Blair puking up pea soup I'll give that a shot - When faced with a real demon I think I'll go with the excellent work of Sister Lycia.

Bless you Sister for compiling this - while I was aware of this (like all good True Christians) I am sure that having all this knowledge in the one place will be a boon.

YIC
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Old 01-18-2011, 07:47 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Quote:
Originally Posted by God's Flaming Sword View Post
If I happen to find Linda Blair puking up pea soup I'll give that a shot - When faced with a real demon I think I'll go with the excellent work of Sister Lycia.

Bless you Sister for compiling this - while I was aware of this (like all good True Christians) I am sure that having all this knowledge in the one place will be a boon.

YIC
Remember at the end of the movie, they didn't beat the demon. In fact the demon overpowered the "expert" and the young priest was only able to get it out of the girl by committing suicide. Of course this left the girl open for even more demons.

Matthew 17:14-21 (King James Version)


Quote:
14And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a certain man, kneeling down to him, and saying,
15Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
16And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
17Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
18And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
19Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
20And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 12


Quote:
43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
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Old 01-19-2011, 04:19 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardinal Dario Fungi View Post
You impertinent woman! Do you want to get those who are possessed KILLED? The ONLY thing you can do is contact the Holy Roman Catholic Church!

We have been in the exorcism business for 2,000 years. Are you sure you aren't possessed? Just in case, read this:

Everywhere you see (X) make the sign of the Catholic cross on yourself. This is very important. if you fail to do this, or do it at the wrong time, you may STRENGTHEN the demon instead of weakening it.

Translation for those too ignorant of basic Latin, the Holy Language of God and Mother Mary:Just so we are all clear, this is JUST THE BEGINNING. A trained priest will then do the rest of the ritual as listed below. If you think you have a demon possession on your hands, contact your local Catholic church. Our rates are very reasonable.
What kind of Catolick Cardinal are you? Didn't they teach you anything in the seminary or at the Vatican? You rebuke Sister Lycia and yet you would erroneously have us believe a sprinkle of water and a short prayer chases away the "rulers of this world'.

To Sister Lycia, don't listen to this cripple. Obviously Alzheimer's has set in. He forgot 99% of the false Catolick dance with Satan and his minions.

First of all their ceremony starts with the Litany of the Saints which asks every saint on the books and some they manufacture to pray for us -- ora pro nobis. Next a litany of sins and punishments that befall humankind and a plea for all the above mentioned to take them away.

Then comes the recitation of Psalms 53 followed by a prayer asking God to really give it to the demons, to make their existence miserable and render them harmless.

After that the exorcist finally recites your little prayer. Following is a whole bunch of gospel quotes where the good guy wins over the bad.

Next comes the actual exorcism prayer that goes on for pages and pages. It is repeated over and over again until every demon leaves. The is followed by the Magnificat. Then The Lord's Prayer and a whole bunch of other short prayers taken from the Old and New Testaments; next the Canticle of Zachary; then a whole bunch more of short prayers mostly from Psalms (and lots of splashing the possessed with water in between all these various prayers and Bible recitations); then the Athanasian Creed; next a whole bunch of Psalms from which the exorcist can choose from depending upon how tired or lazy he is; next comes the exorcism proper of Satan and all his fallen angels; a few more prayers and finally a bunch more Psalms, many of them repeats from above and some required now from the pick and choose above. I could quote the entire Latin rite but then I would have to translate everything too. It would be a waste of time, as True Christians™ are too busy reading their 1611 King James Bible; praising Baby Jesus; and ministering to the world.

This Catolick sideshow is a circus, only serving to make the priest or bishop or cardinal (or any of those other dress wearing, Mary-worshiping, papist ass and ring kissing pedophiles) seem very important and puffed up.

As Sister Lycia wrote, True Christians™ don't go through all this comedic rigamarole. Our pastors and reverends use the casting of hands and some real prayers and directly confront Satan and his underlings. Demon for demon they only take up one one hundredth of the time your false ritual does.
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:22 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Other than the fact that I LOVE bacon and ham, the main reason I raise hogs is that they make a GREAT place to cast demons into!

I also chose my property in Freehold mostly because of the nearby cliff that overlooks the lake.

And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way.


And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? art thou come hither to torment us before the time?


And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding.


So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.


And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters.

Matthew 8:28-32
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Old 01-20-2011, 10:02 AM
Janine Walker Janine Walker is offline
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

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First of all, DON'T PANIC! Second of all, DON'T CONTACT THE CATLICK CHURCH! Demon infestations, while absolutely horrible, are fairly common and can be dealt with easily by True Christians™, so as long as you contact a pastor and set up a generous tithing program you should be fine. You definitely should NOT contact a catlick exorcist though, because they aren't true believers and usually make problems with demons worse.
Our neighbor always says to just use a shotgun then we don't have to worry about anything but then again old Mr. Lester is a not a True Christian™. My dad always suggests to just run them over with the Ford and then again our Uncle suggests doing it old-school by burning them by the stake.

I have a question though, would a demon be encouraged to stay in a young choir boy if you contacted a Cathlick priest? Would the demon enjoy the molestation or would he leave the body?
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Old 01-20-2011, 02:33 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

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Originally Posted by Janine Walker View Post
Our neighbor always says to just use a shotgun then we don't have to worry about anything but then again old Mr. Lester is a not a True Christian™. My dad always suggests to just run them over with the Ford and then again our Uncle suggests doing it old-school by burning them by the stake.

I have a question though, would a demon be encouraged to stay in a young choir boy if you contacted a Cathlick priest? Would the demon enjoy the molestation or would he leave the body?
AFAIK demons are at satan's bidding and with the molestation being an affront to the Lord I have no doubt the demon would enjoy it. They can leave and enter a body as they see fit once they have control over someone though so it is possible they would leave the host.

Interesting point there though - I wonder if a catlick priest was caught in a compromising situation with a choirboy if he could claim to be exorcising a demon? Maybe trying to push it out of his body?
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Old 01-29-2011, 03:45 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

This should be useful.
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  #13  
Old 01-29-2011, 04:42 PM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

A former African witchdoctor who practiced witchcraft for over twenty years said that demons are attracted to the substance candles are made out of. Candles were a part of his witchcraft. It does not matter what color, shape, or smell they have. When lit, the smell of the candle also calls on another big time demon. Is it a wonder why the candle business is in the Billions of dollars a year! No wonder too that so many churches have candles all over the place.
Get rid of all your candles. You may just be getting rid of some of your problems. This also pertains to incense.
For those Bible researchers who read that "candles" were mentioned in the Bible, look in your Strong's concordance. The Original term is "lamp" "oil" or "oil lamp", NOT "candle". They did not use candles, but used oil.
After you get rid of the candles, command all the demons to leave you and your property, in the name of Jesus, JUST IN CASE.
What if the lights go out, you say? Use a flashlight!


THE DEVIL HAS A CANDLE FOR EVERY NEED. HE MAKES IT LOOK GOOD AND SMELL GOOD JUST SO YOU CAN BRING HIS DEMONS INTO YOUR HOME.

If you have severe stomach pains or a stomach virus, break the power of the curse of burning incense. You may have been around someone burning incense or someone may have been burning incense on your behalf.
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:53 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Always look out for savage injun magic.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

Since the demons are essentially squatters, I wonder if we could have our good Mayor or Town Hall simply serve them with 30-day eviction notices?

This is our land and our citizens
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Old 01-31-2011, 05:53 PM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

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Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
Since the demons are essentially squatters, I wonder if we could have our good Mayor or Town Hall simply serve them with 30-day eviction notices?

This is our land and our citizens
Good idea, Mistress Cookie. If there is one thing we should pride ourselves in, it is that the City of Freehold is sin free and not possessed by the Devil.

Our guard must be up and the hammer down.
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Old 08-26-2013, 02:53 AM
Adaeze Ozoagu Adaeze Ozoagu is offline
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

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Originally Posted by Cardinal Dario Fungi View Post
You impertinent woman! Do you want to get those who are possessed KILLED? The ONLY thing you can do is contact the Holy Roman Catholic Church!

We have been in the exorcism business for 2,000 years. Are you sure you aren't possessed? Just in case, read this:

Everywhere you see (X) make the sign of the Catholic cross on yourself. This is very important. if you fail to do this, or do it at the wrong time, you may STRENGTHEN the demon instead of weakening it.

Translation for those too ignorant of basic Latin, the Holy Language of God and Mother Mary:Just so we are all clear, this is JUST THE BEGINNING. A trained priest will then do the rest of the ritual as listed below. If you think you have a demon possession on your hands, contact your local Catholic church. Our rates are very reasonable.
This will make the demons go away if i may ask;by babbling meaningless words. Instead of exercising the authority in the name and blood of Jesus with authority.
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:44 AM
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Default Re: Safety First: What the unsaved trash NEED to know about demon

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Originally Posted by Adaeze Ozoagu View Post
This will make the demons go away if i may ask;by babbling meaningless words. Instead of exercising the authority in the name and blood of Jesus with authority.
Mister, you're replying to a filthy catlick mackerel-snapper, probably the least-informed group of people on earth (as far as the Bible and Jesus are concerned...they know a LOT about pedophilia and queersexuality).

Now: how about heading over to the Introduction Forum and telling us all about yourself: we want to get to know you!



Yours in Christ (NOT MARY),

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