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Old 04-12-2012, 08:14 PM
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Default Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

After learning about the depravities of so-called "Christian" Thomas Kinkade, who is now known to be guilty of fraud, public drunkenness, lewd behavior, and staring at Sigfield and Roy's crotches, Second Baptist of North Salem will be holding a Kinkade bonfire.

The bonfire will be held next Saturday night in the gravel overflow parking lot.

If you are unable to bring your Kinkades in person, please contact me via PM for the address to which you may send the offending paintings. Please feel free to fold or wad up mass-produced prints. For original pieces or limited edition prints, be sure to properly roll them and ship in an appropriate cardboard tube.

We will begin the event by burning the prints. Then we will have a weenie roast.

Then, we will torch a collection of Harry Potter and other evil books.

Time for dessert! We'll make s'mores over the bonfire. And toss in a few cases of Marshmallow Peeps.

Next will come the Harry Potter action figures and the Elmo dolls and toys.

Finally, we will bring out the high-value Kinkade originals, and destroy this filth!

With any luck, we will complete all of the burnings before the fire department arrives. If we are prevented from completing our task, we will sell any remaining items on eBay to raise funds for a new parsonage swimming pool.
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Old 04-12-2012, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
...we will sell any remaining items on eBay to raise funds for a new parsonage swimming pool.
Old one spring a leak? Maybe you could upgrade:


Ooh, waterslide!
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  #3  
Old 04-12-2012, 08:53 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Old one spring a leak? Maybe you could upgrade:


Ooh, waterslide!
Actually, we're shooting for something understated but pleasant, like this:



Not as grand as the typical atheist pool, of course. How's that tarp-in-the-truck-bed thing working out for you?

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Old 04-12-2012, 09:02 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

I think you should claim to be the first Baptist to hold a Kinkade burning.
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  #5  
Old 04-12-2012, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

I know people have raised issues with pornographic imagery in Kinkade paintings before but what did he done this time?
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:52 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
I know people have raised issues with pornographic imagery in Kinkade paintings before but what did he done this time?
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
fraud, public drunkenness, lewd behavior, and staring at Sigfield and Roy's crotches
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  #7  
Old 04-12-2012, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
This.
Huh? For moment I though you were going to say he made his wife have an abortion or was a registered Democrat or something really bad.

Look, everyone has their youthful indiscretions, it's life,we repent, Jesus forgives us, end of story. Just because Kinkade raped that woman in Indiana is no reason to keep on harping on the man Reverend.
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  #8  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:20 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Huh? For moment I though you were going to say he made his wife have an abortion or was a registered Democrat or something really bad.

Look, everyone has their youthful indiscretions, it's life,we repent, Jesus forgives us, end of story. Just because Kinkade raped that woman in Indiana is no reason to keep on harping on the man Reverend.
But it was last year, Brother!

How many of your Kinkades will you be sending? Professor Bessemer has shipped his entire collection.

Just think what a boon it will be for the economy, as he goes out to replace over 200 paintings!
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  #9  
Old 04-15-2012, 11:51 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Great news! Professor Gossamer's entire Kinkade collection arrived yesterday afternoon. Limited edition prints (signed), and even more than a dozen originals!

I'm so excited to add these to the collection of mass-market prints members of my congregation have provided.
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  #10  
Old 04-16-2012, 04:45 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
But it was last year, Brother!

How many of your Kinkades will you be sending? Professor Bessemer has shipped his entire collection.

Just think what a boon it will be for the economy, as he goes out to replace over 200 paintings!
You do know Jesus called Thomas Kinkade home Reverend?

http://todayentertainment.today.msnb...t-when-he-died
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  #11  
Old 04-16-2012, 06:58 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
You do know Jesus called Thomas Kinkade home Reverend?

http://todayentertainment.today.msnb...t-when-he-died
According to that article, Brother, Kinkade was up drinking all night with his girlfriend, and was separated from his WIFE.

So he was a drunk and an adulterer right up to his last moments on Earth!

Ah, the burning will be fabulous.
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  #12  
Old 04-16-2012, 07:21 PM
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Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
According to that article, Brother, Kinkade was up drinking all night with his girlfriend, and was separated from his WIFE.

So he was a drunk and an adulterer right up to his last moments on Earth!

Ah, the burning will be fabulous.
You are going to base judgement on the LIEberiail Lamestream Media; the same media that labeled Momma Grizzly herself Sarah Palin an idiot just because she couldn't find Alaska on a map and sweet Mrs Ann Romney a slacker because she used an army of Mexican nannies to raise her five sons?

I think we can be sure that Thomas Kinkades last words (right before he drowned on his own vomit) were "Please Forgive me Jesus" so we can be sure Kinkade is doing Ronald Reagan and Christopher Hitchens' portraits in Heaven right now.
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  #13  
Old 04-16-2012, 08:05 PM
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Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

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Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
You are going to base judgement on the LIEberiail Lamestream Media;
The article you provided?

Of course! I have faith in your judgment, Brother!
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2012, 11:53 PM
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Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

The Art Burn is tomorrow! Hurrah!

We have had an art appraiser look over all the paintings and other works sent in, and they are valued at in excess of $850,000. Nearly all of the high-value works were sent by Landover's Professor Bessemer, but a solid $23,000 worth of limited-edition prints were provided by Second Baptist members.

They are presently securely stored in a climate-controlled portion of the Second Baptist basement, all set for tomorrow's bonfire!
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  #15  
Old 04-22-2012, 03:51 AM
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Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Second Baptist to hold Kinkade artburning

We were all set for the Kinkade Artburn this evening. We had the bonfire lit, and a couple of the deacons had the weiners out for roasting. Nearly 300 people were there! (The whole congregation, plus more!)

It was such a festive atmosphere. Everyone was so happy, that they didn't even pay the "anti-censorship" protesters a bit of mind.

The cheap prints went up like tissue paper, and the crowd cheered. Then we brought out the Elmo toys and the Harry Potter books and DVDS to burn.

That's when things started to go horribly wrong.

First, Deacon Josephson thought it would be nice to offer the protesters hot dogs. They looked hungry, after all, and had small children with them. So, he went up to the dozen whiners and asked if they'd like to wrap their lips around one of Second Baptist's succulent weiners, or perhaps his special bratwurst. They must have been vegetarians, because they got very angry and called the police!

Vegetarians always look hungry, don't they?

Well, we knew nothing would come of that, and went back to our event. Three Second Baptist children tossed the Elmo toys and Harry Potter DVDs onto the blaze.

It was like opening the gates of Hell, friends! Multicolor flames shot twenty feet into the sky, setting a nearby fir tree alight. Satan was screaming out his anger as we destroyed his recruitment materials!

So, we called the fire department. They and the police started arguing over who should handle their response first, as the fir tree blazed away in the night like a giant road flare.

In the midst of all this chaos, we decided it was time to bring out the Kinkades. The fire wasn't gonna get any hotter, after all! And what better than the very fires of Hell to destroy these vile works?

So, down to the basement I went, and discovered that the room where the Kinkades were stored had been broken into, the door kicked in. Everything was gone. We'd been robbed!

Once Deacon Josephson got everything straightened out with the police, and the tree was put out, and little Ginny stopped crying about having her blonde hair singed off (we convinced her that the Susan Powter look is in again), I filed a police report about the theft. It's good they were there when the theft was discovered!

I suppose there is a silver lining to all this. We had added the $850,000 worth of paintings to our insurance.

That should pay for a new tree, anyway.
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