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WEDDING BELLS! - Christian Wedding Forum A seasonal forum hosted by cyber Bridesmaids, Daisy Mae Johnson, Sister Mary Etheldreda and Sister Talitha . Groomly advice is also offered from Best Man, Pastor Zeke!

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  #21  
Old 06-19-2008, 09:50 AM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

One of the founders of the Godly United States, Benjamin Franklin, has had some comments and modest proposals on the issue of human miasma.

Quote:
To the Royal Academy of Brussels

Benjamin Franklin, c. 1781

GENTLEMEN,

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, viz. "Une figure quelconque donnee, on demande d’y inscrire le plus grand nombre de fois possible une autre figure plus-petite quelconque, qui est aussi donnee". I was glad to find by these following Words, "l’Acadeemie a jugee que cette deecouverte, en eetendant les bornes de nos connoissances, ne seroit pas sans UTILITE", that you esteem Utility an essential Point in your Enquiries, which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philosophical, or as the Learned express it, a physical one, because you could not at the time think of a physical one that promis’d greater_Utility.

Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.

That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.

That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

That so retain’d contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.

Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.

My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix’d with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell. He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed. But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contain’d in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produc’d in and issuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

For the Encouragement of this Enquiry, (from the immortal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor) let it be considered of how small Importance to Mankind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous. Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have pick’d out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton’s mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is rack’d by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colours, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially if it be converted into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being little inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sight he might delight the Smell of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. The generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Expressing one’s Scent-iments, and pleasing one another, is of infinitely more Importance to human Happiness than that Liberty of the Press, or of abusing one another, which the English are so ready to fight & die for. -- In short, this Invention, if compleated, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscrib’d in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a
FART-HING.
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  #22  
Old 06-19-2008, 01:00 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Wasn't he a jew? He sure talks like one.
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #23  
Old 05-02-2012, 02:19 AM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Ever since I got her with child, young Naomi farts constantly!

She claims it's because her young body wasn't ready to be pregnant, but that doesn't make a lick of sense. I think she's doing it just to spite me. Between the air biscuits and all the puke, my house now smells like a dumpster behind an Indian restaurant!

(The dot head kind, not the woo woo woo kind)
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  #24  
Old 05-02-2012, 06:33 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

What a disappointment that is. I hope you find a solution soon Captain Portway.
Isn't that thing suggested by Talitha or that Beano that Pastor Ezekiel mentions worth a try?
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II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
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  #25  
Old 05-02-2012, 10:16 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LBC loving Dutchmen View Post
What a disappointment that is. I hope you find a solution soon Captain Portway.
Isn't that thing suggested by Talitha or that Beano that Pastor Ezekiel mentions worth a try?
Maybe. I just picked up some Beano at the Piggly Wiggly. I'll keep you posted.
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  #26  
Old 05-03-2012, 12:34 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
Maybe. I just picked up some Beano at the Piggly Wiggly. I'll keep you posted.
You need to get some of this stuff:

New Advanced 'Fart-Away'
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  #27  
Old 05-03-2012, 02:17 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Well, you do want a reliable product, maybe Free Market Fred knows something. And you'll know that is produced in a True Christian way.
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II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
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  #28  
Old 05-03-2012, 02:36 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Brother Portway, I'd suggest just sending her to her Aunts home for the time while she is pregnant as there are a slew of disagreeable things that happen but if your little woman is at all like Mrs. Hutchins, she will want to be at home, tending to her chores.
I have to say, Sitting in my office gazing out the window, seeing a 50+ year old woman with child, working in the noonday sun pitch hay from ground level and hitting the loft door every time makes me smile. It also gets 'that smell' out of the house and at the barn where it belongs.
I'll pray the Pastors of the Church need to go on a mission to Thailand or some other place for the last few weeks as you do not want to be there when Jesus rips the child from her womb.
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

Last edited by James Hutchins; 05-03-2012 at 07:25 PM.
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  #29  
Old 05-03-2012, 06:46 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Brother Portway, I do so hope you correct her sooner rather than later. A wife ought to be grateful for her husband's loving attention to her unmentionable habits. Besides, correcting her now will save you further burden trying to correct her when her belly swells. There's no telling just how emotional those hormones might make her in the coming months.
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  #30  
Old 05-03-2012, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

You should also give a Jesus enema. Chance is she has a demon in her rectum, better be sure.
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II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
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Old 05-03-2012, 07:16 PM
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Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Professor Bessemer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

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Originally Posted by LBC loving Dutchmen View Post
You should also give a Jesus enema. Chance is she has a demon in her rectum, better be sure.
Friend, I know your intentions are noble, but it is not your place to give Scientheistic advice to True Christian™ husbands. The young Mrs. Portway is under the care of a wonderful True Christian™ doctor and I am also consulting on the case. If and when the poor flatulent dear needs any liquids fed forcefully into her colon, I will be doing the forcing.
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Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21
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Old 05-03-2012, 07:31 PM
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Default Re: Honeymoon Farts - We Need to Talk...

Thank you for correcting me. As Capt. Portway's wife is under good care of a True Christian doctor, it is pointless to give my unrequested advise.
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II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
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