[Free Market Fred]

Greetings fellow True Christians! Sorry if I've been quiet for awhile, but you know how busy one can be doing God's work. I just got back from a business trip to Kiev, capital of our new territory Ukraine, where I had discussions with our recently installed interim President-for-life, Oleksandr Turchynov. Did you know that he's a Baptist pastor? And he loves the USA! That's right, just the sort of El Presidente we Americans want in power. Plus he looks pretty white for a beaner.

As for all those rumors about his neo-Nazi beliefs, I guarantee you those are vicious lies. After all, as numerous True Christians have pointed out, Hitler was a socialist. I can assure you that Turchynov is no socialist...and if he is, we can replace him with another stooge in an instant, so perish the thought!

Anyway, the main purpose of the meeting was to arrange a $5 billion IMF loan. You might think that making a loan would be a simple process, but I assure you that it's anything but. Sure, easy enough to come up with the money - especially when all the US Treasury has to do is print it up and lend it to my company at 0.5% interest so we can lend it to Ukraine at 25% interest. But finding the cash is the easy part - the complicated issues are twofold:

1) What Ukraine will actually do with the money.

and

2) How the loan will be repaid.

Well, to answer No. 1, both President Turchynov and I agreed that half would go into his Swiss bank account, while the other half will be used to purchase weapons from my company. After all, the Ukrainians are gonna need weapons to fight the Ruskies, and we've got lots of rusting tanks, ships and planes from the last Cold War that we got to get rid of before they fall apart completely. So it's a win-win!

As for No. 2 - repaying the loan - that's a bit stickier. This is, after all, a poor country, so if we're gonna squeeze anything out of 'em, we gotta be creative. The good news is that Ukraine has a big radioactive spot west of Kiev known as Chernobyl - I'm happy to announce that we got their pissant government to agree to let us add a few million tons of our perfectly harmless radioactive waste to their stockpile. They got a nice big lake near Chernobyl where we can dump it, and since the place already glows in the dark, no one will be the wiser.

Unfortunately, Ukraine doesn't have oil, gold, diamonds or any other mineral wealth we can ravage. They do have wheat - we'll be taking most of that, but we promised to leave enough to feed half their population. Speaking of the population, as it turns out, that is actually the country's biggest asset - its people! Especially the female half, most of whom are stunningly good-looking. It just so happens that my company is opening a new chain store in the Middle East called Woman to Go, and I am certain that this will create many excellent job opportunities for Ukrainian ladies.


Happy Ukrainian recruits on their way to Dubai


New employee at our grand opening in the Riyadh Mall, Saudi Arabia


Lucky Ukrainian girl finds romance in Pakistan

Of course, Putin is being a dick, having stolen Crimea right out from under us before we could even assess its value. But never mind - we can throw the Ruskies a bone for now, and in the meantime look for ways to bring them democracy, which they can repay in oil and natural gas.

A new Cold War is great for the economy! What could possibly go wrong?

[Cranky Old Man]

I am glad you are involved Brother Free Market Fred. Obama already allowed Putin to steal a slice of the Ukraine and someone has to watch out for the American interest.

What still worries me a bit is the upcoming elections there. Some stupid blonde called "Joelia Timosjenko" (who comes up with these names?) seems to have a serious chance of winning those elections. That would clearly be a disaster so I trust your people are already working on supplying properly configured voting machines?

This lesbian slut should never rule the Ukraine:

[Free Market Fred]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

What still worries me a bit is the upcoming elections there. Some stupid blonde called "Joelia Timosjenko" (who comes up with these names?) seems to have a serious chance of winning those elections. That would clearly be a disaster so I trust your people are already working on supplying properly configured voting machines?

This lesbian slut should never rule the Ukraine:

Greetings Brother Cranky! Hmmm....this Joelia Timosjenko doesn't look half bad. I think we may be able to find a position for her - there's this kinky sheik in Qatar who is into older chicks - he's got 8 of them already. Thanks for the tip!

[Attila's Wife]

Originally Posted by Free Market Fred

Greetings Brother Cranky! Hmmm....this Joelia Timosjenko doesn't look half bad. I think we may be able to find a position for her - there's this kinky sheik in Qatar who is into older chicks - he's got 8 of them already. Thanks for the tip!

Quick warning here, Brother Fred: I don't know how particular this sheik is, but according to the 80% of the population that's in a position to know, she's not a natural blonde. This more recent photo seems to confirm it.



I know if there's one thing you hate, it's a dissatisfied customer.

[Free Market Fred]

Originally Posted by Attila's Wife

Quick warning here, Brother Fred: I don't know how particular this sheik is, but according to the 80% of the population that's in a position to know, she's not a natural blonde. This more recent photo seems to confirm it.

Thanks for the heads-up, Sister AW. Your post got me a little worried, but I checked the communist web site Wikipedia, and found this:

In 1979 Yulia married businessman Oleksandr Tymoshenko[411] (born 11 June 1960). The couple have a daughter – Yevhenia (Eugenia) Tymoshenko (born 20 February 1980) – a graduate of the London School of Economics (in politics and philosophy).

At age 34, Eugenia should be just right for the Qatar sheik. I've got my NSA (recently privatized) employees checking right now on whether or not she's a natural blonde. That's become a lot easier ever since we installed those full-color airport porno scanners. The original ones only gave us black & white images, but these new color ones can show amazing details, although they do expose the passenger to a little (30 times) more radiation. But they are perfectly safe - my medical people have assured me that the average person can sustain two or three scans per year before it becomes a cancer hazard.


Old tech (top)
New tech (bottom)

Note that the above is a low-resolution photo. We can turn up the resolution on the scanner to show the finest detail of every hair on her (head), but that increases the radiation level. Of course, our 100% trustworthy TSA agents can be counted on to keep the scanners adjusted at a safe level.

Admittedly, public acceptance has been an issue. We are working on that, educating children about how Homeland Security is good for them. We've found that kids can relate to comic book superheros examining them with x-ray vision and performing fun-filled cavity searches.


Hey kids, TSA-man is gonna
save you from the bad guys!

I'm also happy to announce that Americans (only) can be exempted from these procedures. We call it the TSA Pre✓™ application program. You too can become a DHS Trusted Traveler! It does require paying a nonrefundable $85 dollar application fee, plus monthly $100 fee, though political and economic leaders (like CEOs) are exempted from paying because we're doing God's work.

Ukrainians are so fortunate that the USA is bringing them freedom and democracy. Just imagine how horrible it would be if Russia took over!