Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Bible Study > Teaching His Word
Reload this Page The Miracle of the Feeding of the Multitude
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
Christ's Rottweiler
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default The Miracle of the Feeding of the Multitude - 05-06-2013, 01:52 PM

Feeding the multitude http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeding_the_multitude

If anyone asks you to do them a favor, ask them exactly what it is first, then double check. Even as a Christian, you are not obliged to do everything that any idiot asks of you.

On Tuesday, Wayne Dockman came round. Now I can’t stand the guy but despite my having explained this to “Boy” my faithful retainer, he still directs anyone and everyone who calls at the door round to see me. Sometimes, I think he does it out of badness.

Now Wayne did Mrs Bathfire some sort of favor back in the 90s and from The Marriage at the Kainers you will know that I have a small business that turns a good profit supplying cheap Nicaraguan red wine, relabeled as “Vino della Proprietà Papale” in gold letters, with an impressive picture of Jesus riding a Vespa, to the Catlick churches in Des Moines.

Wayne’s deal is that I supply the wine and he supplies the food to a Jewish picnic /cook-out or some such that is taking place on John Landmeyer’s farm out by Ponca State Park up past Sioux City on the I-29. Now this suited me, as I had 500 unlabeled bottles of the stuff that, from my supply of labels for all occasions, I could stick on each one, “Moses’ Staff Red Cabernet Sauvignon, passed personally by the rabbi of Des Moines. (Delicious with salt fish)” It has a picture of Moses himself waving his stick in the air whilst sipping the wine. (It has a background of what Mount Sinai probably looks like and represents true value at $25 a bottle.)

I only had one question: “Is this guy John Landmeyer Jewish?” Wayne laughed, “No Bathfire! He’s one of us. He’s a Baptist!”

I was annoyed at him calling us “us” but didn’t let it show. Anyway, he gives me the details: He’ll drive the truck with the food to my place, he loads the wine (I told him “Boy” would do that but he thought a nigra touching Joo food would be a bad idea) and I drive the truck to the farm, whilst he goes ahead to set things up.

So the next day he arrives at 5 a.m. He ruined the lawn with the 53 foot semi as he turned it round, (“Hey Bathfire, your grass is soft!” Asshole!) Then he loads the wine and gives me a map of the place and drives off. I call “Boy” out to do the driving, tell him the plan and give him the map. He’s got some objection to red wine being in with chilled food in an insulated unit but I tell him that it’s going to be a warm day and the stuff is best drunk with ice and a dash of lime juice anyway.

Driving west in the morning is a wonderful experience and I was soon asleep having been lulled off by the voice of some Baptist choir on the radio and the sonorous drone of the interrupting pastor. I woke up as we reached the outskirts of Sioux City and it was only just in time! “Boy” was about to follow the signs to Jackson, whereas I remembered thinking that Ponca State Park was on the I-29, so I pushed the wheel right and we shot off the main highway bound for North Sioux City and Jefferson. “Boy” said we’d crushed a Japanese car but when I looked back, although there was a wreck, those Japanese things fall to pieces in a stiff breeze so I don’t think “Boy” did it.

“Boy” kept complaining that we were going the wrong way, and “Why don’t you ask someone Mr Bathfire, Sir?” etc. but I was listening to an interesting talk on how a True Christian Scientist had proven that iron ax-heads sometimes used to float back in the day (2 Kings 6:1-7) I didn’t catch the bit where he linked this to talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28) because of this incessant whining and I told him that if I heard one more word before we reached the State Park, I’d throw him out and make him walk home like I did when we were in Florida.

I must have drifted off again because when I woke up we were in a gas station at Elk Point and the cab was empty. What had woken me was an endless line of military vehicles of all shapes and sizes roaring by; a stirring sight for any Christian, knowing that all that hardware and men were designed only to save America from false religions. After quite a while, they passed and I was about to get out when “Boy” returned clutching an open map. Well, the news wasn’t good: Ponca State Park wasn’t on the west bank of the Missouri; it was on the east bank. However, the solution was immediate! There must be a bridge. The only alternative was to turn around back to Sioux City, then out to Jackson and up to that damn park! 45 miles! An hour’s drive! We’d be late!

“There is no bridge, Mr Bathfire, sir.” Came the voice. I considered whether to throw him out. But I knew that Jesus would provide me with a miracle, as the only alternative was that I had been misled by demons of deception and that Christ had deserted me – this was impossible!

““Boy”! Drive to the river!”

“But Mr Bath…”

“The river else I give you to the Nathan Forrest Memorial Home for aged Confederates!” The engine fired up and we headed out of town and down some half-forgotten road. It got worse as we drove along. There were holes in the road you could lose the truck down. More than once we heard the cargo shift and I dreaded to think what the joos would say at crushed stuff – they always complain about service or anything else that’ll give then a discount.

When we came to the river, I climbed out of the cab and surveyed the Missouri, ¾ mile across there was the Park but no bridge. I quoted in a loud and plaintive voice with just the right amount of solemnity, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?" (Mat:27:46 and. coincidentally, Ps:22:1).

As I climbed back into the cab, a wind started to blow. Perhaps the Missouri would be parted and we could drive across! Exactly as Moses must have done, I wondered how God would cope with the semi and all that mud, but as soon as the wind had started, it stopped and I sank into depression. I had been given hope but then it was withdrawn.

I turned on the radio, pointedly ignoring “Boy” whose fat black fingers were tracing out a route back. And then the miracle came.

“Breaking news from Ponca, Nebraska! Police have surrounded a farmstead owned by a fundamentalist Baptist sect, whose leader is said to be John Landmeyer. The sect has about 30 members who live in the large house on the farm. Landmeyer was known in the neighborhood for having 5 so-called wives and a deep interest in firearms and explosives. Police called at the farm a few hours back after having received reports that a large shipment of food and other supplies were making their way there. Local Police Chief Stockdale said that the visit had been a precautionary measure as it was suspected that the sect was preparing for an end-of-the-world event.

Now, over to Jose Suarez in Ponca!” I was horrified! I was clinging on to every word and now some Beaner with an accent like Speedy Gonzales was going to make the rest unintelligible! I needn’t have worried, he turned out to speak American. I suspect his parents were liberals and called him that to “revel in the diversity.”

“Police have blocked off the road heading north to the farm and the park, so I can’t get any nearer. I have been told that there are road blocks to the north as well. The place is pretty well sealed off. You can probably hear the helicopters flying overhead. Most disturbing are the clouds of smoke on the horizon rising from what locals say is the farm…”

There was a moments silence and then…

“I’m sorry about that but I have just heard that John Landmeyer is dead. He was shot and killed after exiting the house firing an assault rifle. If these reports are true, all that is now needed is for police to find the truck and driver of the food supply wagon. More news as it happens, for now, back to you, Jim!”

I turned the radio off. The miracle had been granted. By the Grace and Power of Our Lord, John Landmeyer had gone down in a blaze of police fire and it didn’t matter if we were late. Thanks be unto Him!

What did matter was that every police officer in the state would be looking for me. OK, I could cause a diversion by sending “Boy” off with my handgun and then reporting sighting him to the police, but there was still the matter of the truck and my wine.

I called Wayne Dockman. “Wayne, you know what’s happened?”
“Yeah! I saw it on the news. A piffleing tragedy! That food will be out of date by the time I manage to shift it again. Fortunately, I was paid in advance. Did you get paid for the wine?”

“Are you mad! I’m stuck out here in a 53 foot, red semi loaded with supplies for a guy who’s Nebraska’s equivalent of Jim Jones and you’re asking me if I got paid for the wine? What was that story about a Jewish picnic?”

“Oh, that… Yeah, well it was best you didn’t know. Security and all that…”

I spent the next 5 minutes telling him what I thought of him and his scheme before realizing that I had lost the signal and was shouting at the windshield.

“Mr Bathfire, sir…”

“Silence! Jesus will save us, not your stupid schemes! Don’t you understand?! John The Baptist has been executed and I must be alone with my thoughts!”

I climbed out again and wandered to the shore. I stood by the river deep in thought, considering how short a distance I had been from tragedy. I could have walked across. I had been misdirected by Jesus to save me from death but He was testing me by making me the target of every law-enforcement officer in the US. I became aware of “Boy” standing next to me. “Mr Bathfire, sir.. have something to eat.” He opened a bag.

“What’s in it?”

“Some bread and some smoked salmon slices. I got it from the back of the truck.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No, Mr Bathfire, sir, not that I could see… there might be something different further in… but everything is all messed up. There’s food everywhere. Do you want some wine?”

“No, I’ve seen what it does to the teeth.”

Then I saw it again! That convoy. What in the Lord's Name were they doing here? I sighed in much the same way that Jesus must have sighed when the Pharisees made some idiot remark; a sort of despair at the injustice of the world and at the same time knowing that these sinners would be responsible for His temporary death. I was now going to be shot. A second “hail of gunfire” on the same day – one in Nebraska, one, a mile, away in South Dakota - case closed, no witnesses. Strangely, I did not feel too comforted at the prospect of seeing Jesus but I put that down to the salmon, which was a bit chewy.

“Boy” looked at me. "This is a remote place, and if we are to get back tonight without the truck it's already getting late. Send the convoy away, so they can go somewhere and have themselves some food.". which I found strangely reminiscent of Mat:14:15.

This divine inspiration was in my soul, “They need not depart; give ye them to eat.” M't:14:16
“There’s a lot of them We have here but loaves, and salmon. Will that be enough?” (M't:14:17 )

I nodded and said, “Bring them hither to me.” (M't:14:18 )

That last bit was a little inaccurate. The convoy had stopped at a distance of about 200 yards and armed troops had fanned out to the left and right, their weapons trained on us. So there was not much bringing that “Boy” could do. We stood with our hands up. Well I had one hand up, I had the sandwich in the other and was chewing it – I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.

From the forward (or as I like to say, ‘froward’ 1Pe:2:18 ) vehicle there came a centurion Lieutenant Colonel. He addressed me from a distance of about 50 yards, “Are you armed?”

I shouted back “No. The only protection I have and need is that of the Lord.” (I wasn’t counting the .357 as that was in the cab.)

“Then we’ve caught you.” He returned.

“Yes, it seems so. What happens next?” Now, this seemed to stump him. He raised a hand and the troops around stood up from the firing position and stood easy. He walked to us.

“I couldn’t believe you would be in a semi. I was playing hunch. I saw you at the gas station but as the choppers had seen nothing else moving around these parts, I thought I’d take a chance. Where are the rest?”

I was a little surprised by his reaction but I played along; death was close. “There are no “rest” we are alone. It was all a mistake.”

“Bad day for mistakes, the food supply truck went off the road a mile back, the sides broke and everything is covered in river mud. We’ve nothing to eat; we are under orders to maintain radio silence, so we can’t report the accident and we can’t return to base until 6 p.m.” He glance round the flat land, “Where are we going to find food for so many in this wilderness?” (M't:15:33)

I leapt upon those words! … “Radio silence” - These guys hadn’t heard! I thought quickly. “I may be able to help. How many are you?”

“We’re 4,000, why are you asking?”

One moment, sir.” I said and called “Boy” over. “Is there enough for 4,000 soldiers in the back of that unit?”

“Yes, Mr Bathfire, sir, but some of it’s broken.” (M't:15:37)

“Ignore that, get in the back, work out how much each one gets and be ready to hand it out. Officers and down to sergeants get a bottle of wine.” I turned to the Lieutenant Colonel, “Line up your men, officers first and have them attend to the semi. They will be fed.”

Well, it was all going off very well. I sat on the grass with the Lieutenant Colonel. I kept the conversation away from the news but it was clear he was interested in why their target (which he had assumed we were) was filled with food. It turned out that this was a live-fire exercise. Some imaginary enemy had invaded and his job was to destroy them. He had argued with himself that the best way to do this would be to destroy the enemy’s ammunition and, to that end, he had sought us out on that hunch.

“So, why have you brought a semi down to the Missouri?” he asked in a casual way.

I played my last card – He looked a Godly man, perhaps my duty as a pastor at Landover would be enough… I coughed, “Lieutenant Colonel. Here we are gabbing away and we have not introduced ourselves.” I extended a hand, “Ezekiel Bathfire, Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance at Landover Baptist Church, Freehold, Iowa.”

“Pleased to meet you Mr Bathfire, Lieutenant-Colonel James Dockman, 196th Regiment, Fort Meade, South Dakota.”

Jesus saves!

“Dockman? Any relation to Wayne Dockman of Freehold, Iowa?” A miracle was about to be performed – I just knew it!

He smiled and nodded, “Ah, Wayne – the Prodigal Son, the Black Sheep. He’s my youngest brother.”

I quickly explained all that had happened. There was a pause as the great military mind thought then, “Here’s the plan Mr Bathfire. Most of the men will be moved out; the remainder will ensure that all trace of the food wrappers are burned; the semi is destroyed in a hail for artillery fire; [Edit EB: I do like hails of fire!] both are thrown in the river. We give you a Zodiac RIB and you and your nigra leave via the river. Go as far as Sioux City. One of our boys will pick it up. Nobody will know anything happened.

And so it was that “M't:15:39: And he sent away the multitude, and took ship, and came into the coasts of Magdala.”

Back in Freehold, Wayne was not too happy at losing a semi but I felt justice had miraculously been served.

__________________________________________________ ____________________

And what may we take away with us from this incident? What lessons have we learned?

Some of you may be recalling the feeding of the 5000 with five loaves of bread and two fish,": (Matthew 14:13-21, Mark 6:31-44, Luke 9:10-17 and John 6:5-15

Some of you may be recalling the feeding of the 4000 with seven loaves of bread and “a few” fish: Mark 8:1-9 and Matthew 15:32-39

But these are quite separate and totally different miracles. The feeding of the 5000 occurs after John the Baptist had been killed, and after Jesus arrives by boat. – There were 4000 and I did not arrive by boat.

The feeding of the 4000 occurs without any involvement by John The Baptist and Jesus does not arrive by boat, although he departs by boat. John the Baptist was killed but I did depart by boat.

I do not know how many loaves and fishes the troops received – if I were God, I would.

The lesson is that we mere mortals cannot emulate Jesus perfectly – we are not allowed to; we are mortal. There is no plagiarism in Christianity for fear of parody and disrespect.

Amen.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Witch Hammer's Avatar
Witch Hammer Witch Hammer is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

2010 Witch Hunt Award One Year/1000 posts 2011 Witch Hunt Award True Christian Provider™ award Pro-Life True Christian™ Friend of Jesus Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Porn Resistant Prayer Warrior Proud Niglet Sponsorer Pro-Life True Republican Saved 5 Years Tell her once Christian Love The Lord’s Witness Wound Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Flat Earth Persecuted Sons of Liberty Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior Proud Niglet Sponsorer Hatchet Child Rearing Award Punched the most queers Eats the Most Pork Kirk Cameron Fan Club Mission to Korea Uber Angels Driver Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016!

 
Posts: 1,716
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the midst of His Will®
Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Witch Hammer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: The Miracle of the Feeding of the Multitude - 05-06-2013, 09:08 PM

A truly stirring testimony, Pastor. As always, I stand in awe and mystification at the way The Lord moves. Praise!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved