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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-19-2014, 06:30 PM
Join me in Praising Jesus to have inspired this lovely mother to rewrite those horrible Harry Potter stories with a True Christian™ message! Harry's story is gloriously retold as Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles! Check out some of the wonderful Truths children can hear:
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Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."
Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
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And that was just from the VERY FIRST CHAPTER!
There are SIX chapters, each one pure gold!
Here are some more wonderful snippets:
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Reverend Dumbledore beamed. “Why thank you, little one!” His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.
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“My father says that dark times are coming,” Hermione spoke worriedly. “There is a man named Voldomort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely.”
“But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!” Harry cried indignantly. “The freedom of religion!”
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Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug addicted Evolutionist!
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A smug-looking young man about Harry’s age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna’s and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.
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“Please, ignore this fool,” Draco drawled smugly. “Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.”
Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
“Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!” Harry shouted indignantly. “Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!”
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Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,776
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-19-2014, 09:26 PM
Thank you, Sister, for bringing this to our attention. I have some doubts about the wisdom of drawing these stories to the attention of True Christian™ young people: my own children have never heard of Harry Potter. However, I know that there are children out there who have heard of the books, and these chapters are an excellent substitute for the demonic originals.
I have not yet had time to read them all - what with cooking and serving supper for 11 and supervising each child's evening prayers, time is at a premium here. And I still have homeschool homework to mark. But, from the little I have managed to read, I am enormously impressed. Quite apart from the content, the style is quite impeccable. I do so like to see such an abundance of adverbs - they truly are the sign of excellence in literature.
Yours in Faith,
Joanna
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 12:48 AM
Well that's a lot better than the homersexural version that I heard about.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Descended from Rapes
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,548
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold Bible Campground and RV Park.
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 03:40 AM
I'm still sceptical. We should burn this book anyway just to be safe. My rule of thumb is to burn any book other than the KVJ.
Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,716
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the midst of His Will®
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 04:21 AM
Praise The Lord Jesus! I don't usually pity women, but it is sad that Sister Grace Ann had to wade through 7 volumes of that satanic filth in order to get enough of a handle on the plot, characters and storyline to rework it into a plausible, Godly alternative for her children. I pray her husband loves her enough to beat any silly notions she may have picked up during her review of those 3400+ pages of smut.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,984
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 08:40 AM
This is a nice effort and all, but what ever happened to just telling children no? I think if any child of mine was interested in Harry Potter, I would tell him, "You can have all the Harry Potter books you want when you're living on the streets, which is where you'll find yourself if you bring one of those books into this home."
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 991
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: 1380 Apostle's Park Ct, Freehold
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 02:28 PM
This thread made me think of Sister Ruby Pearl Garnet Sue. Didn't she live over on the corner of Joel and Ecclesiastes? I haven't seen her in the pie shop lately. I remember she was talking about having all the Harry Potter books sent to her niece, Beverly Jean, one day after services, and then she seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. Maybe she's visiting her niece? Anyone know?
Loving my Lord Deeply,
NRL
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers." Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
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Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,776
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 05:14 PM
My youngest stepdaughter (13) has just finished reading this and is now writing a short book report. If it turns out to be worth sharing (unlikely!) then I will post extracts here.
She has, however, pointed out that there are over 1,300 " comments" on this piece of writing, many of which are extremely ill-mannered. I have just had a look at them, and they remind me of the sort of people who come here to ridicule our faith.
Galatians 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 09:21 PM
Does anyone know if this is available for purchase in hardback? I have a 20 year old Granddaughter that wanted to read the original books, but of course I put my foot down.
It is short enough to not keep her from her chores, and a man will not have to explain a lot of the words.
Regards,
Franklin
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,776
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-20-2014, 09:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FranklinAndPearl
Does anyone know if this is available for purchase in hardback? I have a 20 year old Granddaughter that wanted to read the original books, but of course I put my foot down.
It is short enough to not keep her from her chores, and a man will not have to explain a lot of the words.
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Franklin, how good to see that you have wrested the keyboard from Pearl. I don't know the answer to your question about hardback - perhaps you should ask the author in the comments section of the website?
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 03:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey
Franklin, how good to see that you have wrested the keyboard from Pearl. I don't know the answer to your question about hardback - perhaps you should ask the author in the comments section of the website?
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Ms. Lytton-Vasey. Pearl is much better with the computer than I am, so I let her do most of the typing. Rest assured that I always tell her what to say so as not to make a fool of herself, as a woman without guidance from a man can be prone to do.
I will have Pearl send a letter to the author, if she knows how to do that. Although I am not sure how we will find out her mailing address.
Thank you.
Regards, Franklin
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,776
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 07:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FranklinAndPearl
Ms. Lytton-Vasey....
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I am sure you did not mean to cause offense, Franklin, and perhaps this was just a typo, but it is Mrs. You will not find too many women calling themselves "Ms" here.
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,776
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 08:59 AM
Franklin, further to your earlier question, I cannot find a mailing address for the author so I have asked your question in the comments section:
Quote:
A new member of my church has asked if this is available in hardback, as his 20-year-old granddaughter is keen to read the original series but he has (obviously) forbidden her from doing so. I assume she is not allowed access to the internet either.
Perhaps an audio-book version would be nice?
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Off to church now, followed by lunch at Pastor Steve's with his lovely family. He has asked us to bring Faith (15) along - I wonder what that is about.
Have a blessed Sunday.
Joanna
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 09:18 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey
I am sure you did not mean to cause offense, Franklin, and perhaps this was just a typo, but it is Mrs. You will not find too many women calling themselves "Ms" here.
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I am not in the habit of asking a woman for her forgiveness, however, in this case it was not a 'typo' as you deem it. I do apologize.
I am new here, and am not sure what restrictions this Message Forum Board holds, as far as allowing the Unsaved unto it. Even I and my lesser wife, (Servants of GOD) were warned in welcome messages as to intolerance and repercussions on this website. Let us review James 1:5. I was foolish to not confer with Our Almighty about your status. In short, I will never make this mistake again.
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 09:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey
Franklin, further to your earlier question, I cannot find a mailing address for the author so I have asked your question in the comments section:
Off to church now, followed by lunch at Pastor Steve's with his lovely family. He has asked us to bring Faith (15) along - I wonder what that is about.
Have a blessed Sunday.
Joanna
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My Christian Family and I thank you deeply. I am not sure my wife could have handled this as well as you. If the author responds, do let us know; I have no idea what an Adio Book is but I will be sure to ask my Haylee about. I was hoping for a hardback.
I do hope you enjoy Church today, MRS. Lytton-Vasey. And I do hope this discussion reminds you of 1 Timothy 2:12, and you remain in silence to be taught in absolute.
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-21-2014, 09:35 AM
Pearl has just warned me about 'triple posting'...I do not understand what that means. Are we paying postage to type responses to this? I pay the liberal government enough, I do not need to pay them more.
Haggai 2:8. My money belongs to the LORD.
Have a great Lord's Day, everyone. WALK WITH CHRIST.
Regards, Franklin
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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South of the Border outreach program True Christian™
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Posts: 13,156
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Godly Midwest
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-22-2014, 03:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda
Join me in Praising Jesus to have inspired this lovely mother to rewrite those horrible Harry Potter stories with a True Christian™ message! Harry's story is gloriously retold as Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles! Check out some of the wonderful Truths children can hear:
And that was just from the VERY FIRST CHAPTER!
There are SIX chapters, each one pure gold!
Here are some more wonderful snippets:
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Thank you, Sister Mary, for bringing this beautiful prose to our attention; I've read all seven (yes!! the long-awaited chapter seven is out!!) excellently written chapters of it; it is written simply and beautifully; it was so perfect that reading it made me cry lovely, ladylike tears; it was so beautiful, that young manly Harry was able to recite the Bible as soon as He accepted Jesus; also, I admire the author's style, richly adorned with adequate adverbs; and her ability to go on and on using semi-colons is simply magnificent; because why should we use lousy periods, if we can use graceful semi-colons instead?
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Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology) Victim of atheist scientific persecution
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Posts: 10,337
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: On a mission in Godless Europistan
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-22-2014, 04:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa
because why should we use lousy periods, if we can use graceful semi-colons instead?
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Dear Sister,
I find that the content of your post is admirable. However, I must sidestep because - although out of ignorance - you are using words that carry dangerous innuendo.
I've let this issue pass probably too many times. Now it's time to grasp it. I am well aware that as a mere woman your i ntellectual capacities are innately inferior; you cannot be familiar with anatomical nomenclature and you cannot know that the word you used for that somewhat less known punctuation mark is something abominable.
Colon :
Semi-colon ;
I think we can no longer tolerate the use of these words to describe these punctuation marks. This use must be a conspiracy by Satan to increase - once again - sodomy.
You see, colon is the official name for the large intestine. It is the part of your digestive tract that terminates at the anal orifice and the last part of which is the rectum. Rectum - the Nether Netherland of all aspiring homers, located second to the wrong, and never straight on till morning.
To use the word casually - even unwittingly - for other meanings still opens up the possibility of propagating the colon as something desirable, something ordinary, something proper and beautiful.
We must in the future use True Christian™ terminology for punctuation. I suggest we use the dictionary definition for the former colon: "a punctuation mark consisting of two equally sized dots centered on the same vertical line" (it is a useful punctuation mark, isn't it ). The former semi-colon could be "a punctuation mark consisting of an equally sized dot and a comma centered on the same vertical line". More practical abbreviations can be designed intelligently along the way. I suggest " colonic" as an alternative to the semi-thingy or the British-Ebonics form " colonique" as it could be attractive to the Ladies.
Finally, semi-colon is especially dangerous as the whole colon as it falsely associates the colon with something that is only half of it. That does not work with sodomy. Once you fly off to Netherland and meet the fairies, the downward spiral nether ends!
We all know the usual Biblical verses that confirm my post. A couple of less known verses that exemplify the situation even better are as follows:
1 Kings 22:46 And the remnant of the sodomites, which remained in the days of his father Asa, he took out of the land.
2 Kings 23:7 And he brake down the houses of the sodomites, that were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove.
Chase out the homers! Do not let them stay. This includes homerwords such as the punctuational colon. Brake their houses! Do not let the rectal demons dwell in seemingly innocent words.
Yours in Christ,
Elmer
PS: Sister Basilissa, I really think that you are a pious woman and please, don't take this a rebuke. You couldn't have known. I fully understand that the vocabulary of women is mostly restricted to baking, childbirth and laundry.
2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.
PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
Check out our Research in Creation Science:
Last edited by Elmer G. White; 09-23-2014 at 01:30 PM.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-22-2014, 04:43 AM
I never trusted that punctuation mark. I noticed the author of this riveting story never uses them either.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christians™
True Christian™
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Posts: 163
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Mountain Grove, Missouri
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Re: Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles -
09-22-2014, 07:43 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda
I never trusted that punctuation mark. I noticed the author of this riveting story never uses them either.
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Goodness Gracious. I have seen my dear wife Pearl use these marks before in her texts...
Although it is unfathomable for a man to ask advice of a woman, a lesser being, I must ask you, Mary. Since I am not educated on these "homo" punctuation marks, and as I have seen my wife Pearl use them, should I punish her? Is it possible that she may, in fact, be working with Satan himself?!
Regards, Franklin
Just a loving, saved, MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL couple sharing this account! Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Hi Carol, not sure why the Face book isn't typing out my letters, LOL. I hope you can see this message, none of the letters are going in the box. Maybe they are invisible? We do not really understand Computers or Technology. I will have to ask Anita about this. See you tomor
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