Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed! |
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Super Moderator Beloved Church Elder World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
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Posts: 2,071
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Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 12:18 AM
Gentlemen, I'd like to broach a delicate subject. Many of you are confused about how to correctly position your tallywackers in your jockeys. The answer is "up."
The tallywacker shouldn't rest on the beanbag--it runs the risk of skin-on-skin friction, and since we are strictly talking about male skin here, that would make the tallywacker's proprietor GAY.
Also, wearing it down poses a problem for men who are more than adequately supplied in the groin. When it comes to the Hatchman©, the Lord gaveth, and He kept on giving. My trousers, no matter how loose-fitting, always have an enticing, mountainous bulge if my pecker is down. Consequently, I put wanton thoughts in the heads of countless women. Placing my johnny in the up position helps to avoid all of this.
Not only should you be mindful about the kinds of thoughts you are instilling in the ladies, you should be concerned about your thoughts as well. The dong is basically an antenna. When it is up, it is tuned to heavenly broadcasts. When down, it is pointing towards the Devil, receiving all sorts of wicked transmissions. The last time I had my wang down, I had salacious thoughts about Pastor Billy-Reuben's wife. Obviously I was picking up sinful signals from Satan*.
I used to have a hard time keeping it up. It was always falling down and flopping around. Then the Holy Spirit gave me a brilliant idea-- tie a knot around it with pubic hair to keep it in place. Now I'm anchored and ready to serve the Lord.
How you wear your tallywacker in your underpants is a pretty good indicator of where you'll be going in the afterlife. Make sure you keep yours in a locked and upright position. Your soul depends on it.
*And Pastor Billy-Reuben's wife.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
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Posts: 18,677
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Location: A frictional country
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 01:35 AM
Thank you Brother Hatchet for this excellent - and dare I say uplifting - advice. I have to admit that my front bottom constantly picks up signals - very confusing, as it makes it hard, very hard to listen to Baby Jesus murmurings.
I have to admit mine was always pointing down. So now I know why... anyway...
As I have not received from the Lord what you have received, I had a bit of problem keeping it in place with a pubic hair (it kept slipping out), so I found another solution to keep it pointed to JESUS! GLORY!
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 02:53 PM
Amen Brother Hatchet, this is certainly Godly advice, and a clear indicator that True Christian men should only wear thick white briefs! None of those homo boxers or boxerbriefs here, no sir!
I am ashamed to admit to my fellow brothers in CHRIST that I have often not had to worry about securing it in place, as it stands up on its own most of the time. It has proven quite embarrassing at times. It seemed like whenever I was getting ready to teach a Bible study with the youth group back in Kansas, up it would go.
I have prayed often and fervently for it to go down, but my tallywacker continues to defy the will of GOD.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 8
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 04:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God
I am ashamed to admit to my fellow brothers in CHRIST that I have often not had to worry about securing it in place, as it stands up on its own most of the time. It has proven quite embarrassing at times. It seemed like whenever I was getting ready to teach a Bible study with the youth group back in Kansas, up it would go.
I have prayed often and fervently for it to go down, but my tallywacker continues to defy the will of GOD.
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That is sick, making a joke about pedofiles!
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 04:58 PM
Is that like the X-files?
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 8
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 06:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King
Is that like the X-files?
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No its Pedofiles is a seperate series.
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Honorary True Christian™ Sweet Placid Sister
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Posts: 9,562
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Location: Surrounded by hippie vermin
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 07:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vital signs
No its Pedofiles is a seperate series.
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Pastors, forgive me for coming into the men-only section . . . I thought this thread was about keeping one's topiaries up (I have one at the Monthly Visitor that just keeps flopping). Don Bozo hasn't sent the gardener, Juan, around for a while. (Where IS he, anyway?)
Mr. Vital, your favorite perverted sodomite TV shows are not an appropriate topic for God's Favorite Forum. Perhaps you'd be happier over at www.disboards.com, where you can find plenty of fellow pedophiles discussing their revolting lust for children and their toys.
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 08:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vital signs
That is sick, making a joke about pedofiles!
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What are you babbling on about??
Honestly, some of you unsaved trash have the sickest minds! You can take anything innocent and turn it into something filthy! You disgust JESUS!
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Tin Tither
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Posts: 234
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Location: pastors garage
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 11:07 PM
Mr. hatchet that explains a lot one of the guys who's lawns we do is a county superviser and a big republican fundraiser anyway i always wondered why hed' give me an extra tip if i wore that special underware under tight cut offs now i understand he was just looking out for my spirtual well being bless his heart.
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
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Posts: 15,647
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Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
11-11-2008, 11:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vital signs
That is sick, making a joke about pedofiles!
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When did Bob, or anyone else for that matter, mention Papists?
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 6
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
12-21-2008, 01:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vital signs
That is sick, making a joke about pedofiles!
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I don't think the fine folks of Landover "joke" about pedophiles. It's a serious subject with serious consequences. I should know! I'm a Youth Pastor!
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Sinner Who Has Found the Truth©
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Posts: 3,146
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Freehold, IA.
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Re: Keep it UP, Guys -
12-22-2008, 06:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Peter Fyle
I don't think the fine folks of Landover "joke" about pedophiles. It's a serious subject with serious consequences. I should know! I'm a Youth Pastor!
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Speaking of which Brother how have the little issues down in Florida been working out ?
Leviticus 26:27-29
27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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