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(#21)
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Pastor Al E Pistle's Avatar
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-23-2006, 08:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Not anymore!

Honey, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you used to be almost cute. Well, not like Britney at eighteen, more like Rosie Odonnell.

And I do NOT wear bloomers.

PLEASE make some out of sailcloth or something!

I assumed True Christian™ ladies like Mrs Rogers and Glendora would favor the full Victorian undergarment. Them being so....ladylike and all.
TRUE CHRISTIAN™ ladies have a modicum of modesty about them which makes them just that much more appealing in a Christian sort of way.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-23-2006, 11:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
TRUE CHRISTIAN™
Honey, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you used to be almost cute. Well, not like Britney at eighteen, more like Rosie Odonnell.

I weigh 100lbs, not 300. 100! And for those who use kgs, just about 46kgs. Now if anyone thinks THAT is plump....

Quote:
PLEASE make some out of sailcloth or something!

What's it to you? Clothes cover all of that area when I'm out in public.

Quote:
ladies have a modicum of modesty about them which makes them just that much more appealing in a Christian sort of way.

Hmm, and I suppose that's why the good xtian men of the past ages gave the local brothels such enthusiastic clientele. old
It was only when their wives found out about their visits to such places that they put on the 'holier than thou' attitude!



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-24-2006, 04:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Hmm, and I suppose that's why the good xtian men of the past ages gave the local brothels such enthusiastic clientele. old
It was only when their wives found out about their visits to such places that they put on the 'holier than thou' attitude!

I'll have you know that the ONLY time we True Christian brothers set foot in a house of ill repute is to preach the Holy Word! To bring the Good News about Jesus Christ to your fellow wanton harlots is our Christian duty! I suppose you would have us discriminate against trollops....

Why do you think we spend so much time working on you, VanHellover?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-24-2006, 05:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I'll have you know that the ONLY time we True Christian brothers set foot in a house of ill repute is to preach the Holy Word! To bring the Good News about Jesus Christ to your fellow wanton harlots is our Christian duty! I suppose you would have us discriminate against trollops....
Yeah, yeah, I know, you were only in there either to preach or to get directions on how to get AWAY from there. old
Yeah, right...

Quote:
Why do you think we spend so much time working on you, VanHellover?
Because you hope to capture and brainwash electroshock convert me?



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-25-2006, 07:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I'll have you know that the ONLY time we True Christian brothers set foot in a house of ill repute is to preach the Holy Word! To bring the Good News about Jesus Christ to your fellow wanton harlots is our Christian duty! I suppose you would have us discriminate against trollops....

Why do you think we spend so much time working on you, VanHellover?

Really Zeke?
So...um..why were you wearing the mask & fluffy handcuffs then?
And wearing what can only be described as a leather thong?
With boots?


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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-25-2006, 01:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilith View Post
Really Zeke?
So...um..why were you wearing the mask & fluffy handcuffs then?
And wearing what can only be described as a leather thong?
With boots?
I was...that is...When we are witnessing to sinners, its important that they feel comfortable with us...to see us as regular folks. I was just trying to blend in while those 2 girls were....hearing about Jesus.

...Yea, that's it. That's the ticket....


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-26-2006, 07:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I was...that is...When we are witnessing to sinners, its important that they feel comfortable with us...to see us as regular folks. I was just trying to blend in while those 2 girls were....hearing about Jesus.

...Yea, that's it. That's the ticket....
Riiiiiiight...and the fishnet stockings?

I never realised that hearing about JC could be so....physical!


In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-26-2006, 03:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilith View Post
Riiiiiiight...and the fishnet stockings?

I never realised that hearing about JC could be so....physical!
Leave it to you Lilith to mock Zeke when he was being martyred for his faith. He fell prey to that evil cult The Order of Acephale while Pastor Zeke was witnessing in Chicago and was viciously tortured by the wicked and sultry brunet ‘Mistress’ Zaynab (clearly some kind of high priestess) along willowy Mistress Phi and the exotic Mistress Naoko (both obviously lesser priestesses). Despite hours of torment Pastor Zeke remained true to Jesus until a Landover Tiger Team could rescue him from the clutches of these She-Devils. So unbowed in spirit was Pastor Zeke that he begged to be left as he was; telling us with Jesus’ help he was wearing these harlots down and they would be on their knees before Christ before too long. Tears came to our eyes and the sight of such bravery. GLORY!

Shame on you Lilith for mocking Pastor Zeke like this, shame.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-27-2006, 09:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Leave it to you Lilith to mock Zeke when he was being martyred for his faith. He fell prey to that evil cult The Order of Acephale while Pastor Zeke was witnessing in Chicago and was viciously tortured by the wicked and sultry brunet ‘Mistress’ Zaynab (clearly some kind of high priestess) along willowy Mistress Phi and the exotic Mistress Naoko (both obviously lesser priestesses). Despite hours of torment Pastor Zeke remained true to Jesus until a Landover Tiger Team could rescue him from the clutches of these She-Devils. So unbowed in spirit was Pastor Zeke that he begged to be left as he was; telling us with Jesus’ help he was wearing these harlots down and they would be on their knees before Christ before too long. Tears came to our eyes and the sight of such bravery. GLORY!

Shame on you Lilith for mocking Pastor Zeke like this, shame.

Mock? Would I do that? I was merely enquiring as to Zeke's rather strange attire.
Not being well up on such things,I wondered if it might be some sort of ritual christian thing....just as his moaning "Yes,yes!" in such a passionate manner was very likely religious zeal.
Or something.


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One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year Babysitter 2014 Witch Hunt Award Stamp of Approval Mission to Korea Trump of GOD Uber Angels Driver Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Roper Crossburn Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Hands Off 2015 Witch Hunt Award Pastor Ezekiel Golden Bear Award Mission Long service medal, 2nd class Aardvark Asked questions later Heart of compassion Crown of Righteousness The Crown of Crowns Crown of Glory Crown of Incorruptibility Crown of Rejoicing Crown of Life BFF of Jesus Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Probing for Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Mission to the Philippines Clorox Cured Me QAnon Storm Chaser Anti-Biden British Royalty

 
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Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-27-2006, 01:22 PM

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Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Leave it to you Lilith to mock Zeke when he was being martyred for his faith. He fell prey to that evil cult The Order of Acephale while Pastor Zeke was witnessing in Chicago and was viciously tortured by the wicked and sultry brunet ‘Mistress’ Zaynab (clearly some kind of high priestess) along willowy Mistress Phi and the exotic Mistress Naoko (both obviously lesser priestesses). Despite hours of torment Pastor Zeke remained true to Jesus until a Landover Tiger Team could rescue him from the clutches of these She-Devils. So unbowed in spirit was Pastor Zeke that he begged to be left as he was; telling us with Jesus’ help he was wearing these harlots down and they would be on their knees before Christ before too long. Tears came to our eyes and the sight of such bravery. GLORY!

Shame on you Lilith for mocking Pastor Zeke like this, shame.
Well...I am a a modest employee of Jesus...I don't like to brag. There are many behind-the-scenes dramas that transpire with no one being the wiser for it outside of a handful of Pastors and those TC's with a "need-to-know" status from the DOF. The point is, we all do what we can for Jesus. It's all about Jesus. That explains why I was shouting "JESUS! OH JESUS!" at the time I was rescued from that den of harlotry. I only wish I had been left there to see things to their climax.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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lilith lilith is offline
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-28-2006, 01:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Well...I am a a modest employee of Jesus...I don't like to brag. There are many behind-the-scenes dramas that transpire with no one being the wiser for it outside of a handful of Pastors and those TC's with a "need-to-know" status from the DOF. The point is, we all do what we can for Jesus. It's all about Jesus. That explains why I was shouting "JESUS! OH JESUS!" at the time I was rescued from that den of harlotry. I only wish I had been left there to see things to their climax.

So....that's your story then is it?


In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-28-2006, 10:16 PM

Ah Lilith!
I see we have accidentally received your latest Mag........Name:  smcover.gif
Views: 77
Size:  38.6 KB I've put it in the pile for burning.



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.lilith is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-29-2006, 01:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Ah Lilith!
I see we have accidentally received your latest Mag........Attachment 320 I've put it in the pile for burning.

Interesting magazine Talitha..."Spend Walpurgis Nacht IN Loch Lomond"...wouldn't they tend to drown just a bit?


In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.
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Default Re: True Christian™ Magazines - 10-29-2006, 06:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilith View Post
Interesting magazine Talitha..."Spend Walpurgis Nacht IN Loch Lomond"...wouldn't they tend to drown just a bit?
I believe it's a city in Scotland.
As to that magazine.....do I want to know where you dug that up from, Sister Talitha..?



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