[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by Star Finder

Oh lovely Mrs. Rogers.

Don't torture me with no reply. You can use a whip or paddle but please don't avert your face from mine.

I am so happy that Mr. Rogers died so our love can blossom in the open, without furtive couplings inthe broom closet.

I await your reply.

SF

Considering your current condition, wouldn't the kitchen cabinet be more appropriate?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing

....I'm simply wondering what was so horrific that she'd be turned off sex for a year. The only thing I can think of would be if she wasn't physically 'ready' and he was sizeable and too impatient and too eager and clumsy. Or just too eager and clumsy and her not physically 'warmed up'.

That's probably what happened.
My advice?
Have your husband look up the definition of 'foreplay'.

I see that once again you lack the proper delicacy and sensitivity in such matters, Ms. Van Helswingsbothways. According to the Bible there is no need for such shameless goings on that you mentioned to accomplish a Godly seeding. I can only modestly counsel that there may have been some understandable confusion concerning the use of door number one or door number two.

[Bozo James (On Moderation)]

For every drop of ran that falls a flower grows............I believe, ......I believe
Come on ya'll sing along with me.

[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan

I see that once again you lack the proper delicacy and sensitivity in such matters, Ms. Van Helswingsbothways. According to the Bible there is no need for such shameless goings on that you mentioned to accomplish a Godly seeding. I can only modestly counsel that there may have been some understandable confusion concerning the use of door number one or door number two.

I have heard of such things.

Sister M&Ms, it might help in the future if you were to face him, instead of the pillow.

Before attempting such a maneuver, I strongly suggest installing blackout curtains and a surround-sound system so you may listen to soothing music; anything by Wagner should serve admirably to drown out any unwanted sounds.

[Mrs. Rogers]

Originally Posted by Star Finder

Oh lovely Mrs. Rogers.

Don't torture me with no reply.

.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Mrs Rogers, for an xtian woman, you're quite a sassy lady!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Oh dear! I come out of my prayer closet to check on the status of prayers only to see the thread degenerate to this? Shame on you, Van Hell'stramp! The only thing my dear husband, Mr. Joseph Whitford, was eager about was having the opportunity to help create another little Solder for Christ!
As for the proud Satan worshipper witch, I actually do believe you prayed to your dark master that I would conceive and the baby would be healthy instead of trying to put a hex on me. But it will have all been for nothing because I can assure you that Landover Security is top-notch and there is no way you will ever get the chance to eat a True Christian baby of mine!
Dear, sweet Mrs. Rogers. Thank you for your concern. Rest assured my husband, Mr. Whitford, and I have no interest in doing that dirty, shameful act more than is necessary to bring as many Soldiers for Christ into the world as possible before Rapture. Of course we're praying that Rapture happens any moment now, so we will never have to do it again, but just in case God wants to wait a few years, we want to make sure His Earthly army is as large as possible.
One of the blessings of being married to an ex-gay is that he knows what dark roads sex addiction can lead down, so he works harder than any True Christian man I know of to ensure he has to do it as rarely as possible.
For everyone else, thank you for your prayers. If you have time, could you please add to those prayers that the baby, if Jesus wills it, be a boy? God bless you all.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Originally Posted by OnYourKnees

Sister M&Ms, it might help in the future if you were to face him, instead of the pillow.

Before attempting such a maneuver, I strongly suggest installing blackout curtains and a surround-sound system so you may listen to soothing music; anything by Wagner should serve admirably to drown out any unwanted sounds.

Thank you for your concern, Brother OYK, but you can rest assured we did everything exactly the way our True Christian doctor and pastors prescribed.

[SASF]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

Thank you for your concern, Brother OYK, but you can rest assured we did everything exactly the way our True Christian doctor and pastors prescribed.

I think I understand Sister. I will pray for you Sister. Even some prayer meetings together or with one or two other sisters could be arranged, if you like. While we women are not that wise, some sisterly support in these matters never goes amiss.

My advice is that the Lord would forgive you if you were to take a glass or two of wine before creating any more little soldiers for Him.

If you find the whole beastly process very difficult, take several glasses of wine, or however many necessary.

Your husband should not of course imbibe too much. Better a sober male who doesn't know what he's doing (none of them do) than a drunk one.

God be with you Sister.

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by SASF

If you find the whole beastly process very difficult, take several glasses of wine, or however many necessary.

I can appreciate your reaching out to a Sister in Christ; but isn't there a danger that too much wine may lead Sister M&M to enjoy her seeding?

[SASF]

Originally Posted by Deaner

I can appreciate your reaching out to a Sister in Christ; but isn't there a danger that too much wine may lead Sister M&M to enjoy her seeding?

True Brother. In my womanly way I had not thought the matter right through. Perhaps a solution would be for the Sister to drink until she is semi-comatose and then she will scarcely know what's happened. Perhaps the Landover doctors could help in formulating a mixture of substances that will render someone semi- or completely unconcious without causing any other harm.

This would make seeding new warriors for Christ simpler for both the husband and the wife. She would be spared the embarrassment, pain, and discomfort of the whole messy business, and the husband will be able to concentrate on releasing his seed without having a wriggling or moaning from his poor wife distracting him.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Oh no! Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine! After all those years thinking I was drinking the blood of Jesus, I don't go near the stuff anymore in case it causes me to backslide.
And thank you for your concern, but my husband, Mr. Whitford, doesn't have to worry about moaning or wriggling. I assure you I spent the entire time motionless and the only sounds were weeping and praying to Jesus.

[OnYourKnees]

There's always Valium or Librium!

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by SASF

True Brother. In my womanly way I had not thought the matter right through. Perhaps a solution would be for the Sister to drink until she is semi-comatose and then she will scarcely know what's happened. Perhaps the Landover doctors could help in formulating a mixture of substances that will render someone semi- or completely unconcious without causing any other harm.

This would make seeding new warriors for Christ simpler for both the husband and the wife. She would be spared the embarrassment, pain, and discomfort of the whole messy business, and the husband will be able to concentrate on releasing his seed without having a wriggling or moaning from his poor wife distracting him.

Those are some great suggestions Sister. We must always keep in mind that if the Good Lord found any pleasure whatsoever in a woman's hoo-haw we wouldn't have had the Virgin Birth.

[SASF]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

Oh no! Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine! After all those years thinking I was drinking the blood of Jesus, I don't go near the stuff anymore in case it causes me to backslide.
And thank you for your concern, but my husband, Mr. Whitford, doesn't have to worry about moaning or wriggling. I assure you I spent the entire time motionless and the only sounds were weeping and praying to Jesus.

Oh, dear. Well the wine is out.

By a mixture of substances I meant, as Brother OYK has suggested, some medications of a sedating nature. Barbituates even, or if they are considered too risky some more modern hypnotic or tranquillizing substances -- a large dose of the more potent benzodiazapams (I believe that valium and librium are in this class).

Yes! I have just remembered that these benzodiazapams are not only used for their tranquillizing and hypnotic affects (if I have the terms correct), but as muscle relaxants too. Ideal!

Not only would a wife be put into a deep sleep by a large dose of them, but she would be very relaxed too.

Even the weeping and praying could be distraction to a husband who likely to be quite rightly irritated by this -- the weeping anyway, but the wife's complete relaxation would be useful.

Then of course there are many anesthetics that could also be used...

[OnYourKnees]

Just not too large a dose, Sister M&Ms!

You won't be able to raise many Christian soldiers for Jesus if you don't wake up!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Originally Posted by SASF

Even the weeping and praying could be distraction to a husband who likely to be quite rightly irritated by this -- the weeping anyway, but the wife's complete relaxation would be useful.

Not my dear husband, Mr. Whitford. Much of the weeping and praying was his too, so we are perfectly matched in this regard! Thankfully a picture of Jesus we have over our bed helped give my husband the fortitude to go on!

Originally Posted by OnYourKnees

Just not too large a dose, Sister M&Ms!

You won't be able to raise many Christian soldiers for Jesus if you don't wake up!

No, but I would be with Jesus, so it could well be a risk worth taking.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

One the one and only time my late wife Bernice and I engaged in the "Biblical knowledge" of each other, she told me she was going to her "happy place" and I didn't hear a peep from her for the next few minutes, which was quite enough time to accomplish the goal Jesus had set for us. I wish I could share more about how she did that, but unfortunately she was called back to the Lord shortly after my daughter Stacy was born.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

Oh dear! I come out of my prayer closet to check on the status of prayers only to see the thread degenerate to this? Shame on you, Van Hell'stramp! The only thing my dear husband, Mr. Joseph Whitford, was eager about was having the opportunity to help create another little Solder for Christ!

Sweet merciful crawdads, I was only trying to help. The 'seeding', as you all call it, shouldn't be an unpleasant experience.

One of the blessings of being married to an ex-gay is that he knows what dark roads sex addiction can lead down, so he works harder than any True Christian man I know of to ensure he has to do it as rarely as possible.

How do you know he's ex-gay, seeing as he went for the exit rather than the entry?