General Church Fellowship A place for True Christians to join in praise, faith and fellowship. |
|
True Christian™
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 2,442
Join Date: Sep 2006
|
|
The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-12-2008, 11:21 AM
Dear Friends,
Hell has torments large and small. Naturally, we focus on the big ones in trying to prod sinners into a Christian life: fire, darkness, anal rape. But if they start to tune those out, it may serve to remind them of the minor torments of hell.
* You will have to wear a name tag for Eternity, even after everyone knows your name
* Is there key lime pie in hell? Oh, yes...warm key lime pie!
* Daily, compulsory hokey-pokey dancing
* Hell's reading selection: SkyMall magazine and a New York Post from April 14, 1982
* Despite assurances, the names of your movies do appear on your hotel bill
* Billboards everywhere ask, "Hot enough for ya?" and proclaim, "It is what it is."
* Everyone's in bicycle shorts and cut-offs.... everyone
* WebTV is only means of accessing the Internet
* You will have to give periodic, detailed feedback to Hell's Six Sigma Team, devoted to quality control and improvement of the customer experience
Yours in Him,
bab
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-12-2008, 03:08 PM
- There are ants everywhere.
- While you might get a WebTV for browsing the internet, the keyboard will be a Mexican one, with some of the keys reassigned, but still with the American labels.
- Every year for Xmas you get an Xbox, but it always shows the RROD.
- The beer is always warm, and never stronger than 3.2.
- Everyone smokes except you. They always ask you for a cigarette or a lighter, even though you're the only one not smoking.
- Lines (queues) are REALLY long. Sometimes it seems like you stand in them forever.
- In Hell you get a bicycle, but the chain always falls off because it's too loose. The brakes are never calibrated properly and they squeek loudly when you stop. All the bikes are girl bikes.
- There's no telemarketing opt-out plan in hell.
- Constant dry nose from all the sulphur. (lots of nosebleeds).
- The meteorologists are always wrong. It's always hotter than they forcast, and it never rains. Plus, meteors keep hitting, and they never forcast them.
- Uncle Ben's rice isn't enriched.
- People there complain all the time about the little things that make hell hellish.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-13-2008, 12:04 AM
You are forced to eat lukewarm fishguts.
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
|
|
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
|
|
Posts: 68
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Tangier, Morocco
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-13-2008, 12:12 AM
The only refreshment is blood and muck.
|
|
Unsaved Trash Known liar, Chronic masterbator
|
|
Posts: 263
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ask your mom, she knows.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-13-2008, 12:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob
Dear Friends,
* You will have to wear a name tag for Eternity, even after everyone knows your name
* Is there key lime pie in hell? Oh, yes...warm key lime pie!
* Daily, compulsory hokey-pokey dancing
* Hell's reading selection: SkyMall magazine and a New York Post from April 14, 1982
* Despite assurances, the names of your movies do appear on your hotel bill
* Billboards everywhere ask, "Hot enough for ya?" and proclaim, "It is what it is."
* Everyone's in bicycle shorts and cut-offs.... everyone
* WebTV is only means of accessing the Internet
* You will have to give periodic, detailed feedback to Hell's Six Sigma Team, devoted to quality control and improvement of the customer experience
Yours in Him,
bab
|
That was funny. If that's my fate, then oh God, I've made a terrible mistake.
I would like you to meet my imaginary friend, God.
"...as Christians we deal with the truth, just because something is written down in a book doesn't mean it happened." - Bobby-Joe
|
|
Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 12,662
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Standing behind my husband
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-13-2008, 01:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by LingBlingDingDong
That was funny. If that's my fate, then oh God, I've made a terrible mistake.
|
Of course it's your fate! But you can change that you know. Drop to your knees and repent!
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-15-2008, 08:28 AM
Due to the extreme heat in hell: - Cereal gets soggy fast.
- You need to eat your ice cream really fast, and you know how much those headaches hurt.
- The pizza is always burned.
- Your air conditioner runs, but it never gets any cooler. And it makes a lot of noise.
- Sunspots are terrible for cell reception.
- The only antiperspirant available is those stupid crystals that don't work.
- You're the only one with a pool, and your neighbors always want to come over to swim.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
True Christian™
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 2,442
Join Date: Sep 2006
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-15-2008, 08:51 AM
Dear Friends,
In Hell:
* They give you an Olive Garden-style beeper that will light up when it's time to go to Heaven....except yours never seems to go off
* Your phone number is one digit off from Horny Harry's All-Night Zoo Crew call-in
* No matter how you program it, TiVo fills up with Mama's Family
* If you left any unpaid credit card balances at your death, you need to work them off...
* ...after viewing a preachy Powerpoint presentation entitled "Credit Cards and You: A Partnership of Trust"
* Paul Harvey's broadcasts always end with the same twist... "but it turned out he was burning in Hell."
And now you know...the rest of the story.
Yours in Him,
bab
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-15-2008, 03:31 PM
- It's tough to keep wax on skis when you're going down a mountain of burning sulphur.
- The vertical hold (VH) knob on your TV is REALLY sensitive.
- The plastic cups at the bars in hell are cheap and always cut your lip.
- Dental floss frays really easily.
- The only restaurant ever open is Taco Hell:
- and they only stock the spicy salsa packets.
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-18-2008, 05:35 AM
- It seems like there are more foreigners all the time.
- Crime rates keep rising.
- The cost of everything keeps going up except the value of your money.
- The street sweeper comes EVERY DAY.
- Toothless zombies everywhere.
- Saddam begging for change.
- Tide doesn't make whites whiter.
- Insomnia? You'll be lucky go get any sleep.
- No salted pretzels.
- The price of gas is REALLY high.
- Suicide doesn't work this time.
- Black clothes always fade the first time you wash them.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
|
|
Posts: 22,745
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-19-2008, 12:55 AM
- Anything you buy today will be on sale at ½ price tomorrow.
- All items break 2 days out of warranty
- Phone calls always end in 9 options with 9 sub-options and then the connection’s cut
- Customer care promises you everything but never gets round to doing anything.
- The idiot driving in front never makes more than 20mph and has had his left turn signal on for the past 5 miles.
- The only people you ever meet when asking directions are foreigners
- Your neighbour is an insomniac with a love of Heavy Metal.
- Your thumb nail is broken and you always catch it on that loose stitch in your pocket
|
|
Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-19-2008, 01:17 AM
- Frizzy hair.
- Carrying lead coins around for money is really heavy.
- The cost of dog collars and dog food is 3X.
- Your neighbors have dogs. Do they ever. It's like living in a kennel.
- Constant blackouts reset VCR clock; favorite show never recorded.
- Forget buying toys for the kids; they melt.
- Besides being vinegary, wine always has cork in it.
- That damn dust gets EVERYWHERE. And I do mean EVERYWHERE.
- Your team always looses the NCAA tournament by 1 pt.
- The mustard is REALLY spicy.
- Your vacuum says HEPA filter, but it seems like more dust goes out than goes in.
- Keep paying for Costco membership even though too poor to buy 4lbs of bacon.
- Paper is a lot sharper.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
|
|
Unsaved Meter Maid
|
|
Posts: 250
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Iowa....or Maryland
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-19-2008, 02:27 AM
Yes, now you LBCers know exactly what you'll be going through unless you repent of your hateful ways! (It'll be extra-cool for you in heaven if you join Jesus' true church-the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic one, that is!)
Former member of a church which I cannot dare mention-Now a spiritual free agent-could LBC be the way for me?
|
|
Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 10,667
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-19-2008, 02:53 AM
- There are lots of parties in hell — office holiday parties, that is.
- All businesses have sent their employees to lessons in efficiency and courtesy provided by the District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Network sitcoms are ... well, actually, that isn't a change from this life.
- The only radio stations with reception in hell are a seventies retro station and a PBS station that is always having a fundraiser.
- Web developers always make good on their promise of a content- and feature-rich Web experience. The top speed for modems is 2400 baud.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
|
|
True Christian™
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 2,442
Join Date: Sep 2006
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-19-2008, 03:39 AM
Dear Friends,
In Hell, everyone is selling Amway.
Yours in Him,
bab
|
|
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
|
|
Posts: 22,745
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-27-2008, 11:19 PM
DancesWithoutJoy
|
|
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
|
|
Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-27-2008, 11:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire
DancesWithoutJoy
|
Amen, Brother, Amen.
A more tedious eternity I could not imagine.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
|
|
The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-27-2008, 11:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire
DancesWithoutJoy
|
I'm sure her Hubby thinks so too.
I wonder, when he gets tossed in Hell will Satan give him his "stones" back? I'm sure he will need them down there?
|
|
Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-27-2008, 11:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde
I'm sure her Hubby thinks so too.
I wonder, when he gets tossed in Hell will Satan give him his "stones" back?
|
Yes, but they'll be baked into his Christmas pudding.
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
|
|
On Permanent Assignment in Peru
Forum Member
|
|
Posts: 860
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: A forgotten rock between the Indian and the Pacific
|
|
Re: The Minor Torments of Hell -
03-28-2008, 08:08 PM
You always have a mosquito flying between your eyes.
Bringing Geology back to Christ!
I believe Dr. Hovind to be completely innocent of the alleged crime of "tax evasion", and furthermore believe Hovind's 10 year sentence to be patently unjust and based upon an effort to silence his ministry.
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9 Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved
|