[Ezekiel Bathfire]

The Landover Baptist University for the Saved has received an offer of a $1.5Million grant from the DOF to research into a True™ Periodic Table. The offer is conditional upon a Republican victory, so we are entirely confident and are spending the money prudently and wisely.

As no further research work will take place until after November, the following is thus to be considered a work in progress. All the more so, as it has not yet been peer reviewed. Suggestions, amendments, additions are welcome.

Bathfire E

Attachment 9944

Notes:

Earth Air Fire and Water are simultaneously elements and attributes and modifiers. This is not a simple concept, so you should just accept it.

The Genesis Group
This is mainly concerned with the basic elements.
Brass: There is what I believe to be an errant group of researchers, who would have it that Brass can be transmuted to Copper and another, as yet unnamed, element. However, this is clearly abject rubbish as it is stated in Job:28:2: Iron is taken out of the earth, and brass is molten out of the stone.

Stone: another difficult element. There are those, counted amongst the Godly, who would have it that Stone and Rock are the same things. The argument against is that Rocks are for standing on, issuing forth water and burning offerings, whereas stones are for stoning and obtaining brass. The debate continues, but for the time being they are separate. We hope the research will help here.

Brimstone was at one time considered to be a Fire Element – we have found cold Brimstone, so clearly this element is now in the right place.

The Exodus Groups I and II:
This is composed of 2 sets of element, the first group being used for minor offerings and basic temple and basic female decoration. The second group, being for favored temple, favored female and royal decoration and hence unsuitable for the Unsaved™

Ligure: although we have only been able to find one very small example of this element, we are pleased to announce that it seems to fit well with the others of that group.

The Later Group:
These have been found to be a mixed lot and their properties are diverse – they will become a feature of the study when the Republicans win.

The Air and Fire Groups
The Landover Baptist University for the Saved is pretty confident about these. Incense was a problem because it is cold, but the argument is that it is only incense when it is burned, before that it isn’t.

The Water Group:
Bdellium needs further research. It seems trees bring up Bdellium from the bowels of the earth, we have found no demonic influence in it, other than it is very difficult to remove from garments and raiment.

Wine is the result of water and Divine Intervention. We have considered seeing if it is possible to turn wine back into water but were strongly rebuked by Pastor Deacon Fred who made it clear that any attempt would be blasphemous.

Pearl and Coral are supposed to be very hard water like ice but with a greater concentration of Fire so that they do not melt.

Snow Water is distinguished from ordinary water by its surfactant properties, Job:9:30: If I wash myself with snow water, and make my hands never so clean; Ladies of Landover can benefit by this scientific research.