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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-08-2009, 01:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
Now Landoverites! We must get together. Where are you now. I'm resting my feet after some preaching at, or as near to as I could get, the Bella centre.
I'm currently in the ER of the Hudklinikken Hospital. The goat bit me. Don't ask.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-08-2009, 01:52 PM

I write this with weakness in my body and failing eyesight. Forgetting my age, I approached three of the young lady harlots in order to gather them to Jesus’ Bosom. It appeared that they had a prayer closet in a nearby house and we repaired thence last night local time.

My ministrations were, perforce, exhaustive and protracted. Now morning light has passed through the curtains and, whilst my spirit is still strong, my flesh is weak…

Do not attempt to rescue me… (no, really, don't)

if I do not make it back to Landover, tell my wife that I forgive her for gathering sticks on the Sabbath in 1957.

Now I see that 2 of them have entered the room… I will require all my strength to pr





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-08-2009, 02:06 PM

I just had a couple of Stjerneskud things. They were actually edible, and the beer was a bit heavy. Would have preferred a Bud lite ™



After that, I'm ready for some witnessing. After that I'm heading into the Christiania part of town. That sounds like a safe place to regather my strength and pray.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 02:11 AM

I sure envy you all, out there preaching the word of God and ministering to all of those filthy fallen women (and transexuals). I'm sitting here "watching the plane" as usual. I know it's my job and all, but dang it, just once I'd like to try my hand at saving a few souls.

Oh well, at least Jesus knows I flew everybody over here, so maybe that counts as saving souls by proxy or something. I don't know, I just get a little bored and jealous I guess.

And cold. I'm not allowed to run the heaters while it's just me in the plane, (it's a waste of church funds) and in all the excitement leaving Freehold, I forgot my sleeping bag. These little lap blankets do alright, as long as you use nine or ten of them.




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Gabriel Reproba Gabriel Reproba is offline
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 02:44 AM

I am so upset that I must stay at home ministering to my mother's bunyons while you all are out there giving it to the unwashed with all you've got. Might I suggest that displaying the following test from the Bible on your sign will get your point across:

"Want zij op hun paramours doted, het waarvan vlees als vlees van ezels zijn, en de waarvan kwestie als de kwestie van paarden is."

This is, of course, Ez 23:20 which reads in American:
Quote:

"For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
Ez. 23:20
For those unsaved out there, I will translate to your hippy-liberal NON-bible called the NIV:

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

I hope that the BIBLE'S true message about lusting after male genitals as big as donkeys and which emit as much seed as a horse does really sends the message to those whores and shows the world what Landover Men are all about!


Yours In Christ,

Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

Reading only the parts of the Bible your pastor tells you to (those that make you feel warm and fuzzy) is nothing but mental and spiritual masturbation. Read the WHOLE Bible to find out what Christianity is REALLY all about! Only then can you talk to us about why we try so hard to save people from Hell.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 03:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Do not attempt to rescue me… (no, really, don't)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Pastor B! Don't worry! We will save you. Shhhhhhh, thank me later. We can't lose you to Denmarkian harlots! You're coming back to Freehold, sir.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 01:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
I sure envy you all, out there preaching the word of God and ministering to all of those filthy fallen women (and transexuals). [...]
Transsexuals!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones View Post
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Pastor B! Don't worry! We will save you. Shhhhhhh, thank me later. We can't lose you to Denmarkian harlots! You're coming back to Freehold, sir.
Did you read Capt. Portway's post?! Ignore what I said, I want out of here! Where in Damnation are you!

I don't know where I am, here's a few photos of my surroundings, someone must recognize the place.

PS, you don't think that one in the top right is a transsexual do you?
Attached Images
 





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 01:59 PM

Where is everyone?? I just woke up in an alley. The nearest street appears to be named after a sneeze, something like Stagtagachoo!gade.

I don't know if I helped save Ilsabet's soul but gosh she sure is a pretty girl.

However, I may be receiving a punishment from God for not trying harder and longer. Does anyone know if there's a Biblical precedent for painful urination?

~~ OEJ
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-09-2009, 07:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by One-eyed Jack View Post
Where is everyone?? I just woke up in an alley. The nearest street appears to be named after a sneeze, something like Stagtagachoo!gade.

I don't know if I helped save Ilsabet's soul but gosh she sure is a pretty girl.

However, I may be receiving a punishment from God for not trying harder and longer. Does anyone know if there's a Biblical precedent for painful urination?

~~ OEJ
Don't pisseth against the wall!
I'm lost too. I found another internet cafe, this time a real one. I'm catching the train back to Prague. This place is dangerous.


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 01:29 AM

I'm still deep inside this lair of Swedish sodomites, and there's no end to the rebuking in sight! Satan has these nubile young boys speaking in tongues and contorting themselves into ungodly positions... When I first got here I tried to take them on one at a time, but now we're doing it in huge, sweaty, masculine groups! I won't be coming up for air until these boys are coming for JESUS!


...Or until they start charging again...


Keep the plane ready, captain Portway! And stay out of my liquor cabinet Bible locker!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 01:54 AM

The plane will of course be ready at a moments notice. If it's not too much trouble, could whoever is planning on coming back to the plane first bring me some food? I don't what they eat here, but I'm getting really tired of peanuts and Chex party mix.

And I would never get into your personal stuff Pastor, you can count on that. But I can't speak for the cleaning crew that came in to service the plane yesterday. The looked like Mexicans (except different) and they didn't speak a WORD of American! They all smelled a little like bacon too!

If anything is missing, especially alcohol, I'm sure they took it. And speaking of, did any of you all that flew over here take my hat with you when you went out ministering? I can't find it anywhere!




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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 02:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
The plane will of course be ready at a moments notice. If it's not too much trouble, could whoever is planning on coming back to the plane first bring me some food?
Well Brother, now that everything is stitched back on, I'm to be released from hospital any minute now, and maybe we can do a goat BBQ? We could roast it in your afterburners.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 03:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
The plane will of course be ready at a moments notice. If it's not too much trouble, could whoever is planning on coming back to the plane first bring me some food? I don't what they eat here, but I'm getting really tired of peanuts and Chex party mix.

And I would never get into your personal stuff Pastor, you can count on that. But I can't speak for the cleaning crew that came in to service the plane yesterday. The looked like Mexicans (except different) and they didn't speak a WORD of American! They all smelled a little like bacon too!

If anything is missing, especially alcohol, I'm sure they took it. And speaking of, did any of you all that flew over here take my hat with you when you went out ministering? I can't find it anywhere!
No problem. Do you think you could talk them into letting me ride home somewhere else instead of the cargo hold?

I need to recharge my phone anyway and I'm getting tired of ministering to hookers. Those vitamin shots they keep giving me are making me sleepy, yet I continuously find myself craving them.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 12:31 PM

I'm in Berlin. They kicked me off the train for giving out Chick Tracts! Europe makes me angry. Could somebody send me some money so i can get a new train ticket?


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 05:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open View Post
Well Brother, now that everything is stitched back on, I'm to be released from hospital any minute now, and maybe we can do a goat BBQ? We could roast it in your afterburners.
As delicious as that sounds, you know the Pastors won't let me fire up the engines unless it's for church business. And not to be a nag, but do we have a tentative departure date?

I'm just a bit worried about my house. I know Freehold is The Safest Town in America™, but as my front door was hanging off of one hinge when I left (see my first post in this thread), I wonder if it would not be too much trouble for someone who is still in town to run by and check on things for me. And I have a sneaking feeling I may have left the water running in the back bathroom in all the hub-bub.

Oh, and I still can't find my hat.




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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-10-2009, 05:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I'm still deep inside this lair of Swedish sodomites
Pastor! I say, Pastor Ezekiel! Is there any chance you came across a Man of God? One "Pastor Kenneth" in particular?

He can't still be Coverting homer!s in San Francisco after six years' time. Surely© he must have run out by now

Just like he ran out on me
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-11-2009, 01:32 AM

I just want everyone to know that I'm on my LearJet as I type this, flying to Copenhagen. I think that I need to check out this "conference" carefully, since it might hurt my business if the Chinks get on this global warming bandwagon. If they start some kind of "carbon tax," it might raise my costs by 10% and that would cost me millions.

I'm also going to look into this prostitute thing. It's just despicable what the liberals will do to attract attention. Like PETA, with their nude protests - I always go to check those out, to let them know how immoral it is.

I've brought along a couple of teenage Cambodian girls for the long flight to Copenhagen. I thought it would be interesting for them to pass the time doing "Bible study" during the long flight. I'm about to start a lesson on Sodom and Gomorrah, so I've got to run. More later.

Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-11-2009, 01:48 AM

I don't know why the prostitutes are bothering to offer free sex to attendees of the global warming conference. Everyone knows that people who believe ini global warming are all homos.

Now, if they offered free sex to anyone who attends one of our tent revivals, I don't think we could find a tent big enough...



...erh, not that I'm suggesting we do this, you understand.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford


yours in Christ,
Brother Buford



The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-11-2009, 06:40 PM

Quote:
Only four participants took it up

Susanne Møller is a sex worker in Copenhagen and the spokesperson for the Sex Workers Interest Group (SIO) that launched the “free sex” initiative.

The offer is for real, it's not a joke. But only four participants took it up so far. They have to email a copy of their COP badge as well as a picture ID to get a voucher for free sex, and I guess most would prefer to remain anonymous. It's not poor people coming here, delegates would probably prefer to pay for it and not reveal their identity.

I work from my own place but most sex workers are doing it in "clinics" (the Danish way of referring to brothels). Most girls are doing it only part-time; they rent a room at a "clinic" for an average of 1,000 - 1,500 krone per day (135 to 200 euros) and sell a 30 minute-"normal" sex session for 700 - 1,000 krone (95 to 135 euros).

Prostitution is completely legal in Denmark, but it's regarded as a social problem and you can't support social problems. If I want to join a union or insure my working place, it's impossible! We pay taxes but we are still discriminated against.

The city hall has launched this campaign to portray itself as taking care of its citizens, taking care of Copenhagen's image. They also claimed that a mini climate summit last May led to a prostitution boom, but we have seen no evidence of that"
Liars!


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I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Cream-filled Danish: Prostitutes offer free sex - 12-11-2009, 07:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
As delicious as that sounds, you know the Pastors won't let me fire up the engines unless it's for church business. And not to be a nag, but do we have a tentative departure date?

I'm just a bit worried about my house. I know Freehold is The Safest Town in America™, but as my front door was hanging off of one hinge when I left (see my first post in this thread), I wonder if it would not be too much trouble for someone who is still in town to run by and check on things for me. And I have a sneaking feeling I may have left the water running in the back bathroom in all the hub-bub.

Oh, and I still can't find my hat.
I had my servant-girl stop by your place as soon as you posted this. It seems your PS3 and all of your games have been stolen along with you Hi-Def TV and popcorn machine. I had her lock up the house and turn off the tub. The water had only spilled into your basement, ruining that level, but had not gone up any further. I hope you didn't have anything (or anyone) special in the basement.

Now, to celebrate the return of our team from this important Mission for Christ I would like to offer to host a party in celebration. There will be a showing of Expelled: The Movie in Hi Def (along with fresh popcorn) and we will even have a game room for the kids where they can play Jesus in Space on the PS3.

Who's in?


Yours In Christ,

Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

Reading only the parts of the Bible your pastor tells you to (those that make you feel warm and fuzzy) is nothing but mental and spiritual masturbation. Read the WHOLE Bible to find out what Christianity is REALLY all about! Only then can you talk to us about why we try so hard to save people from Hell.
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