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Zechariah Smyth Zechariah Smyth is offline
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Default 10-27-2011, 06:16 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by theblackest1youknow View Post
knock knock... whos there? nigger... HOLY S HIT RUN!!! hahaha
Please do not use racist terms when speaking about the lesser races.



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Z. Smyth
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-28-2011, 08:27 PM

How do you make a dog say "meow"?

You put it in a freezer and saws it apart with a bandsaw the day after, it will sound like "meeeeeeoooooowwww"
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-28-2011, 09:09 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud Faroese View Post
How do you make a dog say "meow"?

You put it in a freezer and saws it apart with a bandsaw the day after, it will sound like "meeeeeeoooooowwww"
How do you make cat say woof? Pour some gasoline over it and then use matchstick "woooooof".


Romans 1:18 - For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-10-2011, 06:10 AM

A lion is walking through the jungle when a banana falls out of a tree and hits him on the head.

"Ow!" says the lion. He looks up and sees a monkey scurrying away through the branches, and quick as can be, he bounds up the nearest trunk and grabs the monkey in his paw.

"P-please, Mr. Lion, don't hurt me!" the monkey stammers.

"Listen, punk," growls the lion. "I'll give you a choice. I'm either gonna bite off your tail or bite off your head. Up to you."

The monkey pauses for a moment, deep in thought. Then his eyes widen and he blurts out:

"Please, Mr. Lion, bite off my head!"

The lion is taken aback.

"But if I bite your head," says the lion, "you'll die."

"Yeah," says the monkey. "But if you bite off my tail, I'll be a Negro!"


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-10-2011, 06:47 AM

Q: What do you call a fat chinaman?

A: A chunk.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-10-2011, 06:49 AM

What's black and shiny and looks great on a Muslim?









A bodybag.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-18-2011, 04:15 AM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a
deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open..

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where
is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"







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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-03-2011, 07:08 AM

Priest #1: What's the best thing about twenty three year olds?

Priest #2: I don't know...what?

Priest #1: There's twenty of 'em.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-03-2011, 09:16 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
Priest #1: What's the best thing about twenty three year olds?

Priest #2: I don't know...what?

Priest #1: There's twenty of 'em.
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This is not a clean joke. The point of the joke is that priest #1 molests children.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-03-2011, 09:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
This is not a clean joke. The point of the joke is that priest #1 molests children.
That surprises you?


Exodus 22:20 He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-03-2011, 06:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
This is not a clean joke. The point of the joke is that priest #1 molests children.
It's funny because it's true!


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-03-2011, 06:10 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-04-2011, 05:26 AM

I have a joke I have a joke!

The Bible.

DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY!


I will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel. -- Zephaniah 1:8
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-04-2011, 05:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by pervertforlife View Post
The Bible.

DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY!
Yes, bible is also about laughter and joy.

Psalm 2:4-5 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the LORD shall have them in derision. Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure.

I can't wait to laugh with Jesus at sinners in hell.
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Red face Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-04-2011, 01:58 PM

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Originally Posted by Sister Kitty View Post
That surprises you?
not at all, religious officials are famous for touching little boys
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-04-2011, 02:32 PM

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Originally Posted by diablo666 View Post
not at all, religious officials Catholics are famous for touching little boys
Fixed.

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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-04-2011, 08:23 PM

Why do you always take two Baptists hunting with you?

If you take one, he drinks all your beer. If you take two, they don't drink any
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Default 12-05-2011, 02:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JWforever View Post
Why do you always take two Baptists hunting with you?

If you take one, he drinks all your beer. If you take two, they don't drink any
In order for a joke to be funny, the premise has to be believable. I simply can't see any chance of going hunting with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus, so that makes the whole joke fall flat.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-05-2011, 02:59 AM

A muslim, an atheist, an illegal immigrant and a communist walk into a bar.



The bartender asks: "What can I get you Mr. President?"


Leviticus 26:15-16
And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-05-2011, 03:54 AM

What do you call a group of Mexicans running down a hill?
A jailbreak.
What do you call two Mexicans fighting?
Juan-on-Juan


Just a Christian Girl.
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