The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. |
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Posts: 11
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Confused -
04-30-2012, 09:21 PM
I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,455
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 09:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?
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Uh, you go, girl?
BTW: Learn to spell calendar and waver, thanks.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 09:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?
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I find nothing more encouraging than the knowledge that God created the universe with me in mind, and that everyone who disagrees with God and me will burn for all eternity. See Colossians 1:17 and John 3:18.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Pastor of Hermeneutics and Apologetics Bathed in Christ's Precious Blood Apostle to the Cactuses, Tumbleweeds and Jackrabbits
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Posts: 14,178
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: With my nose stuck in the Bible.
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 09:36 PM
Have you considered our Diamond level Baptismal service?
For a mere $18,000 plus travel expenses, you can get a second tier Landover Baptist Pastor to come to your home or church and baptize you. As an added bonus, he will baptize additional people for only $1000 each.
Friend, I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot better with the surety that the person performing mine or my loved one's baptism is Truly Saved™. I don't promise any voices from heaven telling you that you made the right decision afterward, but why don't you just pray on it and tell us what God says to you?
Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.
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Posts: 11
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 09:58 PM
Would that be intellectual gorilla or guerilla?.... OOOHHH now I get it. Never mind.
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 11
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones
Have you considered our Diamond level Baptismal service?
For a mere $18,000 plus travel expenses, you can get a second tier Landover Baptist Pastor to come to your home or church and baptize you. As an added bonus, he will baptize additional people for only $1000 each.
Friend, I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot better with the surety that the person performing mine or my loved one's baptism is Truly Saved™. I don't promise any voices from heaven telling you that you made the right decision afterward, but why don't you just pray on it and tell us what God says to you?
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That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?
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True Christian™ Creation Scientist Fisher of Men
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,835
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:13 PM
Friend, please share a bit about yourself with us. Do you have a family? Where do you worship? Are there any particular verses of Scripture that you turn to when in need of succor?
II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 864
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Following God's commands - including the 'difficult' ones.
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?
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Tell you what spaz, just fill in the following details and we'll do all the work for you:
1 - Name
2 - Address
3 - Bank name
4 - Bank account no
5 - Bank account Password
6 - Your favourite Bible verse
7 - Your religious views
8 - Homer Y/N
All the best
Genesis 7:5
And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
John 8:32
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
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One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers Salvation from Above God's Favorite Pilot™
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,282
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Flying the Friendly Skies for Jesus!
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?
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What's with the tiny font? Are you being a jerk on purpose? My eyes aren't what they used to be!
Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 11
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much
Uh, you go, girl?
BTW: Learn to spell calendar and waver, thanks.
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I also misspelled “intension” but not to worry, intellectual gorilla… I mean guerilla.
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One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers Salvation from Above God's Favorite Pilot™
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,282
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Flying the Friendly Skies for Jesus!
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
I also misspelled “intension” but not to worry, intellectual gorilla… I mean guerilla.
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Stop being not funny and start praising Jesus!
Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 11
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway
What's with the tiny font? Are you being a jerk on purpose? My eyes aren't what they used to be!
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Sorry, dude. Is this better? (Please don't tell Jesus that I pissed you off)
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One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers Salvation from Above God's Favorite Pilot™
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,282
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Flying the Friendly Skies for Jesus!
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 10:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
Sorry, dude. Is this better? (Please don't tell Jesus that I pissed you off)
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Yes, that's better.
And Jesus is God, and God is omnipotent, so He's already aware how cheesed I am at you and the other rude atheist homers that are all over our forums today.
Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 11
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 11:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedediah
Friend, please share a bit about yourself with us. Do you have a family? Where do you worship? Are there any particular verses of Scripture that you turn to when in need of succor?
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I have a wife and three children. I do not worship at any church but I like to read the King Jimmy now and then. Every verse speaks to me in a different way depending on the circumstances.
For example, if I am unsure of myself I turn to Matthew 23:33 (Serpents! Brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?). I find great comfort and solace in these soothing words.
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 13,993
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 11:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
I have a wife and three children. I do not worship at any church but I like to read the King Jimmy now and then. Every verse speaks to me in a different way depending on the circumstances.
For example, if I am unsure of myself I turn to Matthew 23:33 (Serpents! Brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?). I find great comfort and solace in these soothing words.
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Odd, my "King Jimmy" says:
33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?
What Bible are YOU reading?
And I thought we spoke to you about the little font. Do you WANT to be ignored because you make it harder to read what you write?
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 11
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 11:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer
Odd, my "King Jimmy" says:
33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?
What Bible are YOU reading?
And I thought we spoke to you about the little font. Do you WANT to be ignored because you make it harder to read what you write?
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I implore you please do not ignore me in this my hour of need! (Hey, that’s from the bible isn’t it?) This poor wretched sinner is just getting used to the fonts and yes my King Jimmy says “Serpents brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?” (sounds better every time I hear it).
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 13,993
Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Salem, Indiana
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Re: Confused -
04-30-2012, 11:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by piratespazz
I implore you please do not ignore me in this my hour of need! (Hey, that’s from the bible isn’t it?) This poor wretched sinner is just getting used to the fonts and yes my King Jimmy says “Serpents brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?” (sounds better every time I hear it).
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I think you're using the "New KJV". We do not.
How about you focus on Jesus instead of fiddling with your fonts?
Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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