Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
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Posts: 5,720
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
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Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-19-2014, 11:34 PM
The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.
Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.
Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-19-2014, 11:36 PM
Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,284
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Following The Rules
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-20-2014, 12:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
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Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.
I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:
Quote:
Ephesians 6:11 (1611 King James Bible)
Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the deuill.
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I Kings 7:23
And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.
New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?
Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.
Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.
Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!
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Descended from Rapes
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,548
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold Bible Campground and RV Park.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-20-2014, 12:42 AM
People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
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Mayor of Freehold
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Posts: 12,176
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-20-2014, 03:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godfly
People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
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What a Holy Man is that Pastor Zeke. He all but gives his time to save our lives.
Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-20-2014, 04:52 PM
I'm not an expert, but Brother... did you perhaps accidentally press the "SIN" button?
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,387
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-21-2014, 12:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD
I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:
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That posits a very interesting question...
when we talk about all who are truly born again (as all TRUE CHRISTIANS), we rightly say they are eternally saved and kept by the power of God.
Could his keeping take this form?
PRAY TO JESUS!
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Unsaved trash, retarded queer
Under Investigation
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Posts: 16
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In pastor Ezekiels bed.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-21-2014, 12:29 AM
Cause you are gay, embrace it!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,387
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-21-2014, 12:32 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayasperger
Cause you are gay, embrace it!
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Who let the loony out?
PRAY TO JESUS!
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Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
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Posts: 5,720
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-21-2014, 06:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayassburger
Cause you are gay, embrace it!
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People are so lazy these days. Another one who did not read the original post
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-23-2014, 10:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban
The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.
Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.
Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?
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I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?
That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.
Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.
On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).
YIC
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,387
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-23-2014, 10:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles
On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).
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Don't spare the rod, remember you'd be the only thing between that hairless, slender catamite and satan's priapic barbed wired tally-waker!
Make him cry under the rod until the demons spurt out of his anus and he's ready to receive JESUS's redeeming presence.
PRAISE THE LORD!
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Unsaved trash, retarded queer
Under Investigation
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Posts: 16
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In pastor Ezekiels bed.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-24-2014, 01:10 AM
Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous.--Lev.21:18 <----God hates ugly people and cripples!!
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,455
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
01-24-2014, 02:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayassburger
Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.
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Hmmph, I guess asking which orifice "god" speaks to you from will have to wait until you're out of quarantine.
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Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
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Posts: 5,720
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
02-25-2014, 07:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles
I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?
That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.
Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.
On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).
YIC
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I have been thinking about this, Brother Niles, and you might be right. It most likely wasn't Jesus typing that message to me, but He typed it to son. I have been trying to figure it out who of them it is, but I haven't been able to find out yet who is this sinner.
I'm not sure what to do. I think we need to arrange pastor to check their rectums to be sure. I hate to think what we might find out, but it's better to find out sooner than later, if one of them has been having anal sex. If this is the sad case, I think ex-Gay therapy is much easier to go through before the AIDS has truly sank in yet.
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True Christian™ with a quiverful
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Posts: 2,243
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In the kitchen
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
02-25-2014, 11:43 PM
Easy solution - cast lots
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Unsaved trash, suspected homer
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Posts: 32
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: in bed with my fag boyfriend
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
09-30-2015, 03:08 AM
Nice try you joke. Calculators don't type that on their own. You did that and took a pic just to make it a 'woe is me' situation
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Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
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Posts: 5,720
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
09-30-2015, 06:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tennisguy101
Nice try you joke. Calculators don't type that on their own. You did that and took a pic just to make it a 'woe is me' situation
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Are you bit slow? Of course calculators don't type on their own, it must have been Jesus who typed that message, it really is the only explanation. Besides, I can't think any reason why Jesus would joke about such matter.
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 140
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Location: Godly America
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Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual? -
09-30-2015, 03:09 PM
With all the Anal Sex "Marriage" being legal I would not be surprised if Satan is putting this evil image in people's subconscious. Just to be safe I think that you should repent anyway
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